Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friend’s Pregnancy Announcement

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  • This topic has 20 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by avatarcsp.
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  • #1029196 Reply

    How do you behave with someone who is obviously pregnant but refuses to acknowledge it? We have a friend -i would say pretty close- who is vary obviously pregnant but refuses to say anything about it. She has told us – our small grp of girlfriends that she & her husband have been trying for their second baby the last few months. I mean I don’t really need to give examples here but we meet almost every week and its pretty obvious ( we all have kids) that shes at least 3-4 months along now. Is she planning to post it on Facebook then? In that case I should probably not consider her a close friend and reduce the amt of time I spend with her?

    #1029197 Reply

    Wow! Why does she have to tell you? Many women prefer not to disclose it when they are at the beginning of a pregnancy. They want to be sure they are beyond the 3 months step and the biggest risks of miscarriage. And / or they want to enjoy it intimately before making it public. Let her be! It will come on due time. You are not such a friend if you contemplate a cold in your relationship simply because she doesn’t share something as personal, sensitive and intimate as a pregnancy.
    By the way, you don’t know wether she tried beforehand and had to go through a miscarriage or difficulties to conceive. This is none of your business, really. Just be there, supportive, joyful for her, and wait patiently that she communicates herself what relates to her own life!

    #1029201 Reply

    If this is their second, she could only be a couple of months in and not ready to share the news. A lot of women show faster with their second than their first.

    Don’t take this is a slight and some kind of comment on your friendship. You’re making a lot of assumptions, like you don’t know how she’ll share or if you’ll find out on FB or whatever. Relax. For whatever reason, she has decided not to share at this time.

    #1029203 Reply
    avatarMiss MJ

    Oh, wow. This isn’t your call to make. I’m past the “everyone is having a baby” stage now, but at one point, I’d say there were 30 pregnancies among colleagues and friends in an 18-month period or so. It became kind of obvious when someone was pregnant but hasn’t announced.

    At one point, a friend and her husband were switching drinks at dinner to “disguise” the fact that she wasn’t drinking alcohol. We got together weekly and this went on for months, until they announced. Know what we said when they felt ready to announce: “Congratulations!” Know what we didn’t say earlier: “I know you’re pregnant so you should just tell me now,” because it wasn’t our news to demand to be told.

    Relax, LW. At some point, your friend will tell you she’s having a baby, and I’m sure it’ll be before she’s carrying around a newborn. Probably.

    #1029206 Reply

    People can be weirdly superstitious about acknowledging these things too early. I think that there’s a sense that if you tell everyone and then you lose the baby that it’s going to be harder or you’ve invited trouble by announcing it too early. Don’t make it about you. They’ll talk about it when they’re ready too.

    #1029207 Reply

    I am currently 3 months pregnant and outside of my boyfriend and our parents we haven’t told anyone yet. If someone flat out asked me, I think I’d be offended to be honest. But at this point we are keeping it close until probably month 4. We just don’t want anyone asking how I’m feeling or something and having to relay that something devastating has happened.

    When she’s ready to tell you and the rest of the world you’ll know. Don’t spoil this time for her by making this about you and how you feel about your friendship. You don’t know her story and any struggles she might have had.

    #1029208 Reply

    Not your business. Maybe she’s dealing with IBS or PCOS. Maybe it’s a high risk pregnancy. Maybe she doesn’t want to hear anything about pregnancy in the time of COVID.

    Reasons are not important. Keep your mouth shut. Wait for an announcement, if it ever comes. Provide the support your friend needs, when she needs it.


    #1029210 Reply

    You behave like a normal friend. This is not a reflection on you or your friendship and you need to calm down. You are not entitled to know anything. For whatever reason, she’s not ready to tell, and whatever that reason is, it’s valid even if you don’t think it is. She’ll share when and how she feels ready to share.

    A friend of mine is about four months along and somewhere around the two-month mark, slipped and made a very telling comment. So, I knew then (or at least strongly suspected). I didn’t press for details. She and her husband finally started telling people last week. I congratulated her rather than saying, “I KNEW IT!”

    #1029212 Reply

    You do nothing and say nothing.

    When she’s ready to tell people, she’ll tell people.

    #1029213 Reply

    I’ve had good friends (one couple) disclose to much fanfare at four months only to then almost immediately lose the baby. So yeah —- I can understand your friend being slow to announce. What I simply can’t understand is you making her pregnancy all about you as some sort of bizarre referendum on your relationship.

    You simply come across terrible in your letter. Just fucking awful.

    #1029216 Reply


    You don’t actually know she’s pregnant. She could have gained weight, or have medical issues that she (for some strange reason!) hasn’t felt comfortable talking about. You aren’t entitled to her personal medical information, even if it is good news.

    Some people are really superstitious about announcements. I had a friend who lost a baby and then didn’t even buy stuff for her second or announce publicly until after her baby arrived safely.

    Do you really want to assume what’s going on, take it REALLY personally and distance yourself from a friend to punish her? That’s supremely shitty “friend” behavior.

    #1029231 Reply

    Maybe she’s eating a lot of burritos to cope during the pandemic. Many people are. I have given up on asking why people meet every single week in groups during covid. Just given up.

    It’s honestly really, really odd that you would consider downgrading the friendship over something that you’ve completely made up in your head. No one owes you information about anything.

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