AmberJune 29, 2020 at 12:03 pm #891199
Hi all. So my husband has established a lady-friend since last year. He doesn’t have many friends at all, so this friendship has been pretty much the only other person besides me he hangs out with. He seems to connect better with women anyway, so it doesn’t take me by surprise. She has a longtime boyfriend she lives with.
I have gotten to know her a little bit and I am always invited to join if I’d like to. They both have a very sarcastic sense of humor and joke around with each other like friends. There isn’t any sexual tension or sexual behavior. So I’m ok with that. He tells me when he is around her, he appreciates me. He says there is no way they could date each other or they would kill one another. She is very attractive though, and he’s definitely mentioned she is pretty. He always says “he isn’t attracted to her”. I know that if we weren’t married… they would probably hook up just because there is no doubt in my mind they both find each other attractive.
At the same time, it’s still hard. They text everyday and sometimes I see they have talked on the phone for 1+ hours about every week. So far he has been getting together with her every weekend (again either as a group or they go for lunch/brunch/happy hour). This weekend they are getting together two days in a row. It’s just a lot.. I saw one of his text messages (he is open about that) and he told her she should try and get Fridays off work so they can make Fridays their “hang out day”. It’s just like he can’t get enough of seeing her and the frequent texting makes me feel like he is thinking about her a lot. This would be totally cool if it was a guy friend though, right?
My husband still makes a bit effort to spend time with me and we definitely are together a lot. So some individual time is good.
I suppose I just feel like their friendship is a little threatening to our relationship but I can’t put a finger on why. That is where I need some advice. I know it’s ok for women and men to be friends. I just don’t even have a female friend in my life that I want to spend THAT much time with and talk to. The only person for me like that is my husband. I want to be open minded… they haven’t done anything sexual. He still shows a lot of love for me. We spend most of our time together. So what am I feeling? Why do I have this icky feeling inside of me?
Thank you – any advice is appreciated!HelenJune 29, 2020 at 12:30 pm #891201
It is absolutely ok to have friends of the opposite gender. But your husband & this woman are dating, not platonic friends. Your husband’s life revolves around this other woman, not you. He should be coordinating days off with you, not her. Their relationship bothers you because you know she is his primary partner, not you. Accept it or leave. You’ve been asking us for awhile about this, and no matter how you spin it, nobody is going to tell you that your husband isn’t cheating or that your marriage is worth savinggolfer.galJune 29, 2020 at 2:04 pm #891216
Tina, you have this “icky feeling” because she’s his affair partner, and because he’s abusive and controlling. You aren’t “always invited to join” and in fact are specifically excluded and barred from going out with them, when he bothers to tell the truth about where he is in the first place.
I honestly am so disappointed to hear you are still in this marriage, and still lying about how bad it is. I thought he said he was done and filing for divorce? If you’d started the process of leaving when we told you to, months ago, you’d be in a healthy, happy place by now. Instead you’re still stuck. Have you started therapy?
He is dating her. They are not friends.
I don’t remember if you’re seeing a therapist, AMBER/TINA but you need to. Or get a new one.
He’s having an affair, he’s spent the night with her, right? It’s so easy to see this.
Married people have friends, but this is not that.
Don’t you want more for yourself? Don’t you want to stop wondering and worrying about this? Don’t you want to be with a partner that loves and respects you? Who treats you with actual care and respect? Who doesn’t manipulate and gaslight you?
You deserve more, but this man is never going to be that guy. He will never stop seeing other women on the side. Please, call a lawyer and a therapist or choose to accept you have an open marriage.
Tina – why do you keep doing this? You keep retelling the same story with slightly different details as a different alias. You omit the big picture problems and present it as this “one little area” expecting a different result. It’s like asking for advice on how to paint the exterior of the house when you know damn well the house is built on a sink-hole.
I’m genuinely trying to understand what it is you’re hoping for. Do you want us to tell you “no, he’s right, this is fine”? Are you seeking validation that your concerns are valid? I really want to understand and help you break this cycle you are stuck in.golfer.galJune 29, 2020 at 8:30 pm #891239
I think she’s hoping we have a magic bullet answer that will stop his cheating. Which, even if we did, there would still be a host of insurmountable problems in their marriage. He’s an abuser, he wants nothing to do with her family, he doesn’t want kids and she definitely does.
Or she’s hoping we have a magic bullet answer to make her ok with what’s going on. To tell her it’s completely normal and she has nothing to worry about. Which, again, even if we did that won’t stop her feeling like crap because it won’t change the reality that her husband is openly dating this woman and regularly gaslighting and abusing her.
It’s a pointless exercise and it’s baffling at this point