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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friendship Advice- Asking To Move In

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  • #1086343 Reply
    Jay
    Guest

    I’ll try to make this as concise as possible. For the last year, I’ve been dangerously depressed/habit badger thoughts. My friend, also in his 20s, has been extremely supportive and literally saved my life last year. We used to talk every single day and would frequently hang out. We became like brothers. In recent weeks we’ve grown more distant after I reacted poorly to bad news and shut down.

    The only time I feel happy or safe is when I’m with this friend and I want to ask if it is ok to move in with him on a semi-permanent basis. Is this a good idea and how should I go about doing it?

    #1086371 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’s not healthy for you to become dependent on a certain person for your mental health. It also sounds like your mental health issues have already put a strain on this friendship.

    It looks like you’re in college. Have you visited the health center to ask about counseling resources and seek treatment for your depression, anxiety, and/or whatever is going on with you? That’s what you should be doing here, treating your problems with talk therapy, behavioral therapy, and/or some stabilizing meds. No shame, most people are struggling.

    #1087504 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    This is a really unhealthy way to view relationships. Are you in therapy? Or seeing a doctor or psychiatrist? If not, I would highly encourage you to seek the help of actual professionals in mental health. You can’t depend on a friend to be your sole source of support to the point where you’ve decided the only way to feel better is to move in. That isn’t fair to your friend. What about his needs and wants? It seems he’s taken some space from you recently, and with probably good reason. It is often incredibly exhausting trying to help someone else. We are all at the end of our rope after over a year of a pandemic. Do you think it’s fair to keep pushing for more and more from your friend?

    This is why people seek help from professionals. It’s not fair to place the responsibility of your happiness or security on another person. It’s your responsibility to work on your mental health issues and keep your friendship separate. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk with them about your struggles, it means you don’t expect them to literally save your life and offer you ongoing daily support.

    #1087991 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    You are putting a lot of responsibility on your friend’s shoulders and that’s not fair. Everyone has baggage and yes there are times that we need some help to carry it. But ultimately, you need to deal with your issues and let your friend simply be a friend and not a therapist, nurse, coach, and crutch.

    #1088669 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    Yes. You are asking an awful lot this one friend. Too much. Way too much. Instead… You should seek some professional help with your issues. Doing so will likely improve all your relationships. Including this friendship.

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