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Friendship at breaking point

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This topic contains 83 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leon 1 week, 3 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 49 through 60 (of 84 total)
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  • #850066 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well you know what? He’s neurodiverse, and he doesn’t really need your pity. He’s not a tragedy, he’s just trying to live his life the way he’ll be most comfortable, and that appears to include setting some boundaries. His brain works differently than yours and mine, but that doesn’t make his “bad” and ours “good.”

    Would you acknowledge that you’re exhausting on this thread?

    #850067 Reply

    After eighteen years, autism or no, you can’t expect him to change. Accept everyone for who they are. No one is going to behave exactly the way you do or the way you want them to.

    He’s had a gf. You say without him hosting you that you’d be alone for your birthday. You mention another friend staying at his place. You mention none of your other friends.

    #850068 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well actually I don’t know that he’s autistic or neurodiverse, but if he is…

    #850069 Reply
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    JuanMilo

    Skyblossom – Unless the guy is living a secret double life, he doesn’t do much other than work, gaming with friends and seeing his siblings every now and then / entirely out of his own choice because that’s what he likes to do. Needless to say, a secret double life is highly unlikely. He also has been suggesting I come to his while he’s off work for the month, or we go for a bloody ‘road trip’. I didn’t initiate this stuff, he did.

    Again, the relationship hasn’t been falling apart, we just tend to text or he calls me off his own back when we don’t see each other. He’s definitely not getting back with his ex. Who knows maybe he has a secret love interest, but I doubt it. It says a lot that I could tell you the exact bit of ‘god of war’ he was up to the other day. The guy doesn’t have much of a life out of choice, gaming is his ‘hobby’ so much that it’s all he does and almost all he talks about. The idea that he’s autistic is much more realistic than him having a girl on the scene, and I don’t mean that in a cruel way, it’s just what happens if sitting in your house playing games is your life, you don’t meet people.

    #850070 Reply
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    JuanMilo

    Anonymousse – no, you got the wrong end of the stick. You’re referring to another event that I mentioned which happened about 3/4 years ago after his breakup.

    I said that as it stood at the time, I wouldn’t have anything to do. Another friend is more than happy to come and have a few beers with me, as I also mentioned. I have several friends, many of which I’ve known for years. Another friend invited me for beers with him too, but neither of these are supposed to be my ‘best friend’ who suggested we hang out this month.

    Admittedly there are less choices these days as people are getting married and having kids. Me and my friend are both currently single, so that’s why I went to him first.

    #850071 Reply
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    JuanMilo

    Mark – yeah, totally addicted to drama and didn’t just feel a bit let down. You know what, I’ll admit that very occasionally I probably am ‘high maintenance’, but only with the one person who expects me to put up with him being extremely high maintenance. Not going to say I’ve always been perfect with other friends, but who the fuck is.

    #850073 Reply
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    JuanMilo

    Kate – that is a good point, but I can’t help but feel sad that if he really values his friends but doesn’t know how to express it, says rude things that offend people when he doesn’t mean to etc.

    Anyway yeah, the thread has run its course. Thanks to everyone for their input

    #850074 Reply
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    JuanMilo

    Anonymousse – ‘It’s really not hard to imagine why he wouldn’t want to host you at his place for your birthday weekend.’

    Just noticed that snarky remark 😆. Nah, the simple thing to do if you’re normal and if you do want to spend some time with your self proclaimed ‘best friend’ is just suggest something else or other user be honest if you don’t, not give some excuse. It’s shitty behaviour, but it depends what standards you hold. He could have at least acknowledged he was letting me down or some shit, instead it came across like he was blowing me off. I think it’s probably fairly obvious to most reasonable people tbh.

    #850075 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    JM, you’ve known this kid since you guys were 11 and this is an 18 year friendship which puts you at 29 years old. Way too damn old to care about whose your “best friend”, not being able to hang out with your friend without also commandeering his couch for the night, etc.

    Your friend said he didn’t want to have you over for your birthday. DEAL WITH IT. Either fade out of the friendship because you’re so butthurt, lower your expectations, or just get over yourself a bit. Your friend contacts you literally EVERY DAY, but you need more emotionally from him? He’s the one whose reaching out to you the most, right? You rarely reach out? and when you do it’s because you want to stay at his place?

    We can’t give your friend advice because he’s not the one writing in, and our armchair diagnosis mean nothing because he’s not here to give his truth. All we can do is respond to you and give you our best advice. Upset about how your friend is treating you? Lower your expectations of the friendship and fade out a bit. Using your grief to guilt a friend into doing what you want? See a counselor.

    #850076 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I mean, it would be good to stop referring to him as not normal or not reasonable or sad or tragic, given that you have a pretty good idea he’s neurodiverse. Maybe try to understand more about what’s going on with him.

    #850077 Reply

    No, I would say at 29 expecting your bff to host you overnight for your birthday weekend is not normal. It’s fine and normal for him to set boundaries and say he doesn’t want that.

    Just because you nursed him through a break up four years ago doesn’t entitle you to his place and time now.

    #850078 Reply
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    JuanMilo

    Curly Que – nah, I didn’t say I rarely reach out, I wasn’t making a point to the people who said he’s trying to fade me out.

    I hear from him most when he has problems, again, it’s very one way. I don’t go to him with my issues like he does to me with his, that was my point. I engage with the guy plenty, that isn’t the issue on either side.

    You’re probably right though, I’m too old to be bothering about expecting this shit from a friend, but then that obviously means taking a step back and not caring about his issues when he insists on coming to me with them and expecting me to help him out. I’ve been there for the guy through thick and thin and I don’t get the same back, so yeah it’s time to take a step away.

    ‘Commandeering his couch’ is a highly cynical way of looking at it. He would never see me if I didn’t make the effort to go to his flat, where he always is. If he guy won’t make the effort, then I don’t want to be kicked out in the cold in a shit area to get two busses back. He doesn’t warrant that effort because he doesn’t put any in himself. Don’t know why you want to frame it in some cynical way – everyone gets something out of a friendship and everyone should put something into one too. I don’t really know how you can portray me making me being the only one to make any effort and go all the way to his house so cynically tbh. I get that he doesn’t want me on his couch anymore, despite literally inviting me to do that for years up until a few weeks ago, but then I’m not going to make effort and spend money to be the only one ever willing to step out of their door. It’s probably all round unhealthy. As you say cut the expectation or fade him out.

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