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Dear Wendy

Friendship at breaking point

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This topic contains 83 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Leon 1 week, 3 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 73 through 84 (of 84 total)
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  • #850095 Reply

    Not once was the word immature mentioned in my comment, I wouldn’t call you that. I also do not consider myself on a pedestal. I am on this forum due to needing advice on mistakes I have made in the past – so I do not consider myself to be above anyone here, or anyone in general.

    I do not know the ‘ins and outs’ of your situation, hence why I framed my original response in the manner that I did.

    Low level thinking?… okay I am now utilising my glorious right to say no more. I wish you all the best and hope things get resolved with your friend or that you achieve whatever result is best for you. Take care x

    #850096 Reply
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    FYI

    LW, you seem very defensive. People are giving you feedback, and you’re arguing your point like it’s a debate. When you ask for advice, people are gonna call it like they see it. If you want people to agree with you, don’t ask for advice.

    To me, “across town” is not a reason to spend the night at a friend’s house. It’s definitely not a reason to go every weekend. You said: “And it’s my time, money or safety if I opt to take public transport or an Uber back.” Well, yes. Yes, it takes time and money to go from one place to the next. I don’t even understand this comment. Is your friend supposed to absorb your costs?

    People — all people — have a right to say No for any reason at all, and yes you did try to guilt-trip him. That you’re arguing with commenters on here tells me that you tried to argue him out of a simple boundary. He has a right to chill in his own place if he wants to, in whatever way he wants to.

    #850097 Reply

    Who’s ego is offended? LOL. Who’s insulting who? And trying to make it personal?

    “I’m allowed to disagree with you- that doesn’t give you license to insult me.”

    That’s exactly what you’re doing to me. What have I said that’s insulting? That’s actually personal? You’re right, I don’t know you and I am not pretending to. I’m responding to the person you’re portraying yourself as.

    You used the word tedious first. I’m so sorry that me using the term hit a soft spot.

    #850098 Reply
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    JuanMilo

    Andrea – none of those comments were aimed at you, so I apologise for the confusion. The comments we’re for anonymousse, who seems to be well aware that they’re for him/her.

    Anonymousse – I’ve read the thread back to gain a bit of perspective. I think it’s started off reasonably but went awry. I’ve read it all again I’ve come to a few conclusionsz

    I do think Mark was well off with his conclusions, but I also got on the defensive needlessly. Keep in mind, I’ve just had a significant argument with someone I’ve known for a long time. I don’t think his tone was the best, but then again, a good 50% of my comments here read pretty badly, so I can’t really judge.

    In terms of where you’re coming from, It might surprise think you’ve been quite understanding from the start. I will again admit that I was on the defensive almost from the start as one comment made out that I was the one being the shit friend. At the start, because I’m new here, I kind of grouped the ‘not fully supportive’ responses together and responded as if they were one – I’ve been reacting on the frustration of the original disagreement with my friend, because it has been fresh and raw. That is my flaw and my fault – I’m looking at this with fresh eyes now.

    That said, I do think that in your frustration with me, you perhaps took a mocking tone at times and then did insult me. I can’t completely blame you as I’m sure my responses have been pretty frustrating to deal with, but when there’s a communication breakdown it probably isn’t the best tactic to adopt. Anyway, I’ve read my responses back and realise that they too were pretty far from ideal, so I apologise about that. I feel more level headed, less reactionary and I realise I haven’t expressed myself in the best way in the much of this thread. I should have differentiated the people on the the middle ground from the one person who wanted to blame most of this on me. I shouldn’t have gone on the back foot – for whatever reason, I associated that person with you. That said, to interpret my words against what I’m trying to tell you and to insult me (calling me tedious) is pretty unhelpful – but I can empathise with why you would respond in such a way after I responded angrily several times to reasonable advice put my way. Again, I apologise for this. I’m on the back of a bad argument with a long term friend and I haven’t responded perfectly.

    In regards to the original matter at hand, I’ve asked you all to pass judgement so I can’t express much dissatisfaction with that, regardless of anyone’s opinion. That said, as many have noted, it’s clear I have put more effort in than I’ll get back with my friend. I can’t really express how much of a funny character he is or how hard he is to get along with – I do think it speaks volumes that everyone I know thinks the guy is very hard to get along with. Perhaps nobody truly deserves to get back what they put into any friendship but I do think a friendship is a two way street. I think I’ve been misunderstood to think that my friend should let me stay at his place or anything like it – I don’t. I just expect a little bit of decency when being let down, not to be given a kind of nothing, arguably insensitive excuse. That’s all expect, some common decency, not some counselling session however well meant that suggestion is.

    Anyway, I’m genuinely sorry for miscommunicating so badly – as I said, it was on the back of an argument qne I already felt defensive, reading back, I didn’t express myself properly, but I hope I have done now.

    At this point all I ask is that you don’t take my words and misconstrue them, please don’t take implications from them that I haven’t explicitly stated because that just isn’t fair.

    Reading back I realise I that the vast, vast majority of comments here are well meant – so I genuinely thank you, even you anonymousse

    #850099 Reply
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    JuanMilo

    I don’t know why, but autocorrect works incredibly bizarrely on this forum and seems to sabotage what I’m trying to say. Sorry for the mistakes. Hope you can decipher the general meaning

    #850106 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    “I think I’ve been misunderstood to think that my friend should let me stay at his place or anything like it – I don’t. I just expect a little bit of decency when being let down, not to be given a kind of nothing, arguably insensitive excuse.”

    What’s been bugging me about your responses is you have made no attempt to try to understand where your friend is coming from, or how his mind might work differently from yours. You keep putting him down for not reacting just like you think you would react. You’re saying he gave you a nothing excuse that was insensitive. I don’t think it was a nothing excuse. I think he genuinely wants to be alone and play video games. Whether or not that makes sense to you, there it is. That’s what he wants to do. This is who he is, like everyone keeps saying, and you keep coming back and saying you want and expect something different from him. That’s the issue everyone is trying to point out. No matter how much you’d like him to act a certain way, he can’t and won’t.

    #850108 Reply

    Im sorry to say but I would have to agree with the majority on this one. it seems like if you don’t get your own way you have a hissy fit like a child. you cant invite yourself to people houses its just not right. You also cant expect people to just do what you want them to do, that again isn’t right. my advice to you would be to just step back and let your best friend do what he like’s. I’m sure he will be a friend to you when he doesn’t feel so pressured to be one. you have to look at it from his point of view and the fact he might feel you are being to full on and wanting far to much from him. Im not saying he is perfect at all but just take a look at the way you react to the situation that has happened and ask yourself if you was to much. I hope you get sorted in the end.

    #850110 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    So interesting that “mystery guy’s” IP address is literally from the same city as JuanMilo. Is this the friend perhaps?

    #850112 Reply

    “I should have differentiated the people on the the middle ground from the one person who wanted to blame most of this on me.”

    “I shouldn’t have gone on the back foot – for whatever reason, I associated that person with you. That said, to interpret my words against what I’m trying to tell you and to insult me (calling me tedious) is pretty unhelpful.”

    “I do think Mark was well off with his conclusions, but I also got on the defensive needlessly.”

    ^^^ These are all direct quotes from your most recent comment. I applaud you on walking away from this and clearing your mind. That shows you are mature and do have the ability to reflect on yourself – which believe me, is not an ability a lot of people have (in my own personal experience of people).

    If I may, (and maybe I shouldn’t but whilst you seem in a more receptive frame of mind it seems like a positive idea) I would like to just point a couple of things out.

    As I said previously, everyone here ONLY has what you have written to go off in terms of generating an opinion and advice on your situation. If people have said things that you feel are unjust, or that they perhaps do not have enough information to be able to make such suggestions – the blame for that lies solely with you. I have read through all the comments and I don’t see one (regarding your situation) that is unreasonable based on the information you have offered.

    For example – the suggestion that your friend is depressed. That is a perfectly reasonable suggestion, given he is exhibiting behaviour that is very commonly associated to depression. This is the behaviour you chose to tell us about, yet you oddly got defensive over this. I would also like to point out that depression is a very tricky mental illness. People can and do hide it and/or deny it. Your claim of knowing him for X amount of years does not (and never will) make you an expert on his true mental health. You cannot say for SURE he is not depressed, the same as nobody can say for SURE that he is (other than a mental health professional).

    From what I have seen throughout other posts on this site, bittergaymark is someone who develops his opinion and doesn’t feel the need to frill it up or tiptoe around people. He likes cold hard naked truth. Which sometimes is what a lot of people need to hear. I think of him as the Simon Cowell of this site lol. But his opinions are his right, and it is also his right to post them here. If you don’t like someones opinion, or hold no value in it, just simply don’t respond – ultimately you can’t change someones opinion by arguing the way you have. If you MUST respond, just thank them for their input, because whether you agree with their words or not, they still took the time to write you a message with the sole purpose of trying to help you.

    Before I posted on this site, I read through other peoples posts and comments, to see the type of community I would be dealing with. I have not seen one unreasonable comment here or on any other post (some that were clearly meant in jest from time to time and thats good too).

    Tedious is another word for tiresome – which you claim is an unfair adjective to assign to you. Is finding something or someone tedious not subjective? Do they not have the right to reserve that opinion if they have in fact found your responses tiresome? Along with the right to express it? You may not have found this helpful, but I can guarantee you that again, that was only said to try and help you see things from a viewpoint other than your own whilst you were in a hostile mood – which even now, you acknowledge.

    The self reflection is good, keep it up. People cannot improve unless they acknowledge their faults. Just remember advice isn’t necessarily meant to make us feel better and warm and fuzzy – it’s meant to help us, and sometimes it can be hard to hear. That’s the reality of advice.

    Andrea x

    #850113 Reply

    Kate, sorry to say but no im not the friend.

    #850116 Reply
    avatar
    MaltaKano

    LW, happiness in relationships is all expectations management. You have to decide if you want to keep this guy in your orbit, then adjust what you want from him based on what he can give. I have friends who are kind of aloof and selfish. I keep them in orbit because the one time a year we do make it work to hang out, we have a great time. I’ve had other (old, childhood) friends whose aloofness and selfishness were outweighing any enjoyment I got from the relationship, so I just did a slow fade and downgraded them to social media friends. Those are really your two options. He can’t be someone he’s not.

    If you haven’t read the amazing Wait But Why post on friendships, it really spoke to me in my late 20s. https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/12/10-types-odd-friendships-youre-probably-part.html

    #850339 Reply
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    Leon

    LW, I don’t know you, but based on your replies, you sound to be a really defensive person. If I’m mentally drained just by reading this thread, I can’t imagine your friend having to deal with it the whole night.

    For me, it seems like codependency. Your friend doesn’t seems to like you that much, but you are the only one who provides emotional support. You give and give, but you don’t get reciprocated. And that hurts you, because all of the time spent together and your expectations.

    You don’t have to honour the big time being friends, as it is clearly stated that it doesn’t suit your needs anymore. I think this friendship has run its course and it’s okay. This shit happens.

    I think that everyone can have benefits from therapy. I strongly recommend to seek for professional help to make the grief process less difficult.

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