Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friendship crisis

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  • #850132 Reply

    I think the best advice above is to drag thee discussion into the present. I’d split the difference: half what you and she are doing now, have what you did in past. From discussion of present activities and life events, current common interests either will or will not emerge. If there are areas of compatibility, then do some fun activity together in that new sphere of activity. That will give the two of you something new, interesting, and shared to talk about in future.

    Do the two of you dwell in the past as a safe area which avoids your current problems, concerns, and frankly, thoughts. Don’t you trust each other with your current thoughts, fears, hopes, worries. If that’s the case, either less frequent contact or see how it feels to actually open up to each other as, presumably, you once did.

    #850134 Reply

    Thank you for the informative reply Ron.
    I deem it to be mostly habitual, the dwelling. It just seemed like this comfort zone within which it was our own little world, our music, our topics. It is not that we don’t trust each other with the present, it is just that past topics are a lot more interesting to her and I used to not mind them. Lately, I just don’t find any enjoyment in reminiscing with her at all. My interests have changed and they don’t align with hers hence they are not worth even mentioning. Because if they are mentioned, I don’t receive any meaningful feedback or any sign of interest, just a courteous nod of acknowledgement and let’s leave it at that.

    #850135 Reply

    Friendships change as you grow older. You can decide you’re too different and move on. It doesn’t sound like you interact often, so just do a slow fade. She lives in another country. This is a situation where it seems like it will resolve without much effort from you. You don’t need to confront her or even say anything at all, if you don’t value her friendship. If you do value it, and want to stay in very limited contact, be friendly reminisce at will and keep it light, but BE YOURSELF. She’ll either be upset or she won’t if you somehow say something offensive. It doesn’t seem like she’s your best friend and things are suddenly going off the rails.

    #850151 Reply

    Drag it into the present. Ask questions about her life now. Talk about your life now. I have a couple of friends I’ve known for 25+ years (one for 40) and sure there are times we talk about the past but mostly it’s whats happening now or what is happening now to people we knew then.

    If she drags it back to the past you don’t have to “confront” her but you can ask “you seem uncomfortable talking to me about your life now. How can we move our conversation beyond 2000?”

    Disagreeing isn’t a confrontation it’s just a difference of opinion. My oldest friend and I disagree on a lot of stuff but we maintain respect and still love one another.

    #850398 Reply

    In my opinion there is no need for a confrontation. But when you do see her be yourself…don’t change yourself to fit some version that you think she likes. Also, stop talking about the past and start talking about what you would normally talk about. Also, if you feel the friendship has run its course just scale back and hang out with her less and focus on your friends who you feel close to. It’s normal for an old friendship to sort of run its course bc people change and no longer have much in common.

Viewing 5 posts - 13 through 17 (of 17 total)
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