Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Future Father Material?

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  • #876610 Reply

    This is worrying: “I can handle his anger and impatience but sometimes it’s very difficult.” You can’t have children with a man you have to manage like a child himself. As a mum, you must be able to trust fully your partner, he has to be an adult. Good partners are good fathers, usually – if they are motivated by a family.
    Frankly, for your couple to have kids, he should make real changes. First of all, why can’t he change his job? Do you really want to spend your whole life with a guy whose job ruins your private time?
    He could also do something about his anger, because he seems like having an anger management issues.
    And I agree with the other posts: what he says about YOUR children project is his way of saying (or gaslighting you): no way. Go to the bottom of it with him before you run out of time.

    #876612 Reply

    I’m going to be honest. The part that bothered me the most about this was “the children won’t understand.” It’s not about them understanding or not. They shouldn’t have to have a dad who is angry, impatient, irritable, etc., all the time, whether they understand or not. You chose to be with him despite his personality flaws, and understanding the “why” behind it seems to be good for you. But that’s acceptable for a kid.

    I personally wouldn’t have kids with him unless he started therapy and I saw real improvements in his attitude.

    #876614 Reply

    Yes, and “the kids won’t understand”…that their dad gets a pass to be an angry a-hole? That’s what you’ll be teaching them as they grow up, that that’s just how dad is and you have to put up with being bullied by a man who is supposed to love and nurture you. Is that the kind of relationship you want to model for your daughter? So one day she can find an angry guy just like dear old dad? Do you want your son to think he should be able to yell at his own wife and kids and they just have to take it?

    #876615 Reply

    It’s very interesting to me that he had such problems growing up and seems to have used that and his “stressful” job as an excuse for his unstable temper. So in essence, he’s following in his father’s footsteps.

    If he truly wanted children- he’d be making changes. He’d be addressing his past, and working with a professional on methods to combat his anger and responses.

    It’s very sad and strange to me that you accept his temper and deal with it.

    Yes, having a father who regularly flies off the handle in anger- even if he’s not physically abusive- will damage your children. They will love in fear of their father. They will think it’s normal and okay to behave like that. They will resent him for being an angry father. And history will go on to repeat itself.

    You need to ask him if he really wants kids. And listen to his answer. If it’s vague or confusing, it’s not a yes.

    If it is an enthusiastic yes- he needs to get help to address his anger AND his deeper issues that he’s been avoiding (and using as an excuse for his own bad behavior) his entire life.

    #876619 Reply

    No. I wouldn’t have kids with this man.

    Hell, I wouldn’t ever even have had a second date with this guy, but then I’m not some masochist…

    NEWSFLASH: people with “moody” and “difficult” partners — you know… assholes — REALLY shouldn’t have any kids. Sorry, but the world truly would be much better off.

    #876627 Reply

    No, do not have children with this man.

    But why have you settled for someone who can not manage his own stress and frustrations? It sounds like he takes it out on you and anyone within reach. I’m sure he has good qualities, but if he’s increasingly frustrated and short tempered, at some point the balance between being an ass and having redeeming qualities is going to tip beyond “tolerable” for you.

    In sickness and in health doesn’t mean you have to put up with constant walking on eggshells and emotional instability. Your husband doesn’t get to be an asshole because he is stressed.

    #876979 Reply

    I love both my parents deeply but similar to your husband, they have unresolved childhood trauma and volatile mood swings. Please don’t have children with this man unless he gets serious, targeted help for anger management. It’s incredibly damaging to grow up in that environment and I’ve spent most of my love life in abusive relationships with similarly difficult people (a pattern I’m working to break).

    You’re right: kids don’t understand. We just grow up believing it’s normal to be in fear of people we love and then spend our adult lives trying to unlearn that.

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