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Dear Wendy

FWB: was it worth speaking up?

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Viewing 9 posts - 13 through 21 (of 21 total)
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  • #889729 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Your response was fine then. You absolutely do not have to fake an ecstatic response to a guy who sneak attacks you with a “do you like me?” instead of choosing to have a thoughtful and deliberate conversation. You told him you’d be open to dating, not sure what more he would need if he was on the same page.

    #889730 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You could also ask him what he was looking for with that conversation.

    #889740 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Yeah, what Kate said.

    #889744 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    “I just don’t truly know what he wanted from the conversation … “

    He wanted exactly what he said he wanted. He wanted to know if you like him. I don’t see it as a sneak attack at all. C’mon, this is a tricky area for everyone. He was being vulnerable, trying to open the door a bit. There is nothing wrong with what he did or said at all. Did he have really big, perfect courage about it? No. Should he be faulted for that? Of course not! He was putting a line in the water, and you didn’t really bite.

    Nothing ruinous happened here. You don’t have to force yourself, but at some point, with someone, you’re going to have to take a risk. None of us are guaranteed absolute immunity from heartbreak, even people who’ve been married for 30 years. Have some confidence in your ability to move forward in life, and don’t carry past hurts around with you into your future.

    #889747 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s lame to just blurt out to someone you’ve been in a no-labels sex/friend/fauxlationship thing with for years, “do you like me,” and then not follow up on that at all. She says she has feelings for him and would be interested in dating if he would, and he not only doesn’t pick up the ball, he stops communicating entirely. If he is also potentially interested in dating, literally all he has to say in that moment is, “yeah, me too.”

    If he really just wants to know if she likes him, she told him she does, and even offered an action-oriented next step.

    #889751 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    She put a ton of disclaimers on her answer. She basically said she isn’t ready, which — yes — is going to keep a nervous guy from pressing further. Everyone gets nervous. He’s just a guy, not a romantic-comedy hero who has his lines written for him. He’s fumbling around like all of us are, including the LW, who maybe wants more but maybe doesn’t.

    I just don’t see him as lame. And certainly not as sneaky or attacking. He did say, “yeah, me too.”

    #889765 Reply
    avatarJoonbug
    Guest

    Definitely hear what y’all are saying. I think it’s more just me being scared of vulnerability and the (very feasible) possibility he doesn’t see me as anything more, which makes me wish I said nothing lol. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t have asked his feelings if I wasn’t interested, but I’m by no means faulting him. Just don’t know what to do now. Saw each other today and acted normally; he didn’t address the conversation, so I didn’t. We’ll see I guess.

    #889825 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Why would you think he doesn’t see you as anything more?? He brought it up, didn’t he?
    Sorry, I don’t get this at all. You can’t always hedge your bets. With a strong sense of self-worth, you don’t have to worry about every possible rejection having the potential to destroy your life. Maybe look into that?

    #889827 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I would ask him why he brought it up and then be honest. I think he brought it up because he wants more, and when you have him your lukewarm response, he backtracked and didn’t elaborate on his feelings because yours were so noncommittal.

    I’ve been in a few casual relationships and those conversations come up generally because he wants more, or he feels like you do and he doesn’t. This doesn’t sound like the second example to me.

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