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Getting married in 7 weeks and have concerns

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar Mimi 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #806579 Reply
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    Sophcles9
    Member

    Me and my partner are living abroad. Been here for almost one year. It was supposed to be a maximum of 5 years plan, which is why I was happy to leave my family and home country.

    He now is talking about buying a house, and talking about our long term future here. He knows that I don’t love it here yet and that I miss my family a lot and hasn’t even discussed it with me! I feel like I have come here under false pretences.

    I.cant work here until we are married so he thinks that once I’m settled in a job I will be happier and feel more at home. But I don’t know if that will happen until I marry him.

    I’m suddenly realising what a huge risk I’m taking marrying him. I love him and he is the man I want to be with but I don’t want to be miserable living in a country so far away from the rest of my family for the long term.

    When/If I do marry him, I feel after 5 years I will be asking for us to go ‘home’ and it will be an awful decision and sacrifice that one of us will have to make.

    Whenever we discuss this, he says I’m not grateful for the opportunity and just waiting for it to end. I have anxiety and I like to have structure in my life and at least a brief idea of the near future.

    I told him I don’t see myself living here for the long term (over 5 years) and asked if I was struggling after then would he look to move back and he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. Apparently feeling homesick isn’t a good enough to reason.

    I feel completely torn and really anxious about what I should do. If I love him as much as I think I do maybe it shouldn’t matter where we are?
    Should I feel this way? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

    #806580 Reply

    Don’t marry him. You moved there with an agreement to return after five years, now he’s trying to change the deal and gaslight you for your (shockingly mild) protest. Nope nope noooope. If you decide to marry him double up on birth control for at least five years—I’ve seen people asking for advice on this type of expat marriages where children are involved and it’s unbelievably complicated. To say your life choices would be severely limited by children in the event of divorce is putting it mildly. I’m putting this out there because if you marry him I think you’re going head for a divorce in the semi-near future.

    Edit-punctuation

    #806582 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Please book the next flight home you can. Get away from a man who is trying to rush you into a marriage and buy a house to forever tie you to this foreign land you don’t enjoy. It’s been a year. That’s long enough to try a new place out. Plus, he’s controlling and it kind of sounds like he’s belittling your concerns. These are all red flags.

    Don’t have sex with him. Triple check to make sure you will not become pregnant. Get outta there.

    If he loved you, he wouldn’t be pushing this. You wouldn’t have been led under false pretenses.

    It’s not homesickness. I think you know this isn’t right for you.

    #806584 Reply
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    Betty

    You are so lucky that you can get out now before you are married, have kids, a house or anything else that will tie you to him. He has let you know that he does not value your opinion or feelings and that he is going to live in this country long-term. Since that is not what you want, MOA

    #806588 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    I have a question about why you can’t go ahead and get a job? Why do you need to be married to get a job? Also, you have only been living in this country for about a year and you sound miserable. You initially agreed to live with him for five years but can’t even make it a year. I would say that at this point it appears you two are incompatible and that you should just go ahead and return home to your family and friends. I don’t see a problem with investing in a house or some property as it would be a good Financial investment but the statement of living there long-term could be a problem if you don’t want to be there long term. It doesn’t matter how much you love or care for a person, your needs and wants matter too

    #806590 Reply
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    ron

    Unless she moved from one EU country to another EU country, you normally can’t just move to another country and work. You need a work visa for that.

    #806591 Reply
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    Sophcles9
    Member

    I am not able to work (in the US). Once I am married I am able to get a new visa and a work permit. This means I have no experience of working and having my own life with out marrying him. (Not the only reason we are doing it by the way!) I definitely couldnt stick not working for another year, if we were to postpone the wedding. But want to make sure I’m not just doing it as an answer for a short term problem.
    I would be heartbroken if I were to leave and don’t want to give him an Ultimatum by saying he has to commit to just the five years here or I will not marry him. But maybe I have to?

    #806593 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    He shows every sign that he’ll agree to what you want then go back on it later. He’s already doing that now. In five years there will be incrementally more reasons to stay put. Unless you want to build a life here permanently don’t marry him. At the very least don’t have kids because there is a very real possibility that you would be trapped in a bad marriage in a place you don’t like.

    #806604 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Agreed. I don’t think you have to rush back to your home country but you need to have a big ol’ sitdown. It seems he’s completely content with how things are and has no concern that you aren’t. It’s entirely plausible that he can not imagine that you have your own feelings. If he’s happy then you must be happy. It’s also possible that you haven’t said things in a way that resonates with him.

    I am unhappy. I do not want to live here for years. I do not want to buy a house because that is a financial commitment that ties us to this country and I want to be able to pick up and leave more easily. I am willing to stay in this country for one year but then I intend to leave. If you are not planning to come with me, then we should not marry.

    But, you know, probably with your words and maybe nicer. Or not.

    #806606 Reply
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    JD

    You really shouldn’t be marrying him until or if you are both in agreement on this very serious issue. I’m guessing this might be his home country? Since you mentioned being able to work once you married him? So perhaps he wants to be near family? Either way you went there with an agreement and he is already changing it without your input.
    I moved for my husband, and we had a very similar ageeement, but he knows that it sticks and I won’t be changing my mind. Heck, he even is going back sooner since I don’t like it here. That’s compromise in a marriage.

    You must tell him that since he is changing the plans you cannot marry at this time. Also, really think about if you explain this to him and he says what you want to hear, is he just saying what you want to hear or will he follow through?

    #806608 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I do understand that you’ll be heartbroken if you have to split up, but if you can’t compromise on critically important issues like this, the relationship won’t survive anyway. The end will just be longer, more painful, and more expensive than if you realize now that you’re not functioning well as a couple.

    Loving each other isn’t enough. Marriages succeed or fail on how well you work as a team. How well you problem-solve together. How well you compromise. Because the decision on where to live is just the first big thing you have to figure out together. There are many, many more decisions like that ahead for you. And if you have children, your team problem-solving skills will be tested just about every day.

    Right now, the two of you are not a team. He’s making the big decisions alone and trying to steamroller you into accepting them. You make an agreement together, and he ignores it and does what he wants.

    #806615 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Don’t marry this guy. Agree with what everyone else is saying about how he can’t just change the living agreement without consulting you, but also:

    Whenever we discuss this, he says I’m not grateful for the opportunity and just waiting for it to end.

    WOW! He just doesn’t sound like a nice guy. I’d pump the brakes on a relationship with someone who was gaslighting me and dismissing my feelings over way smaller issues than this. Moving to another country (temporarily or permanently) is a big deal, so to tell you you’re being ungrateful when you raise your concerns!? Yikes.

    I have a friend who moved to another country for her husband right after they married, though she didn’t really want to. She was miserable! She kept telling herself some of things you’ve written — If I love him, does it matter where we are? Love is all you need! — and he’d say things that are similar to what your boyfriend is saying (“you’re not trying hard enough to like it here” — he even dangled the idea of moving back to the U.S. in front of my friend a couple times). After several years of being mostly-unhappily married, and a ridiculously long separation during which they lived on opposite ends of the globe, they decided to divorce over the summer. Don’t fool yourself into thinking this would or could never be you.

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