Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Getting over the ultimate ghoster.

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  • #878823 Reply

    Hi, I’m currently in a confusing state of mind filled with emotion due to a guy I’ve been seeing for close to 2 months. It started out great, he took me on the best date I’ve ever had. We had in-depth conversation, we were super compatible and we even got to the “babe” stage.
    Now as i am extremely choosy when it comes to men solely based on personality, emotional intelligence, and maturity, and I quite often filter out the bad contenders because I’m not afraid to ask the hard questions. We’ve been communicating everyday (mainly by text) and mind you we did have sex on our second date.
    I recently had a trip to NYC and we discussed hanging out the Wednesday I came back. The day came along and I essentially was ghosted even though he texted me that he was getting dressed to see me that same day.
    Fueled with frustration, I let him have it and we’ve had 3 separate conversations about his communication Pattern, my intolerance of this behavior, and reassuring that my time is respected. So, in a step to “make it right”, we rescheduled our meetup which was again a failed mission due to recent news of his grandmother having Covid-19. Now although frustrated, I understood and held back on us meeting up all together. However, he was insistent on seeing me. Now yesterday was wen we were supposed to get together and again, he texted me when he was off work and stated he was going to take a nap then come see me … and now here we are. He ghosted me yet again and I am extremely hurt.
    I’ve been through men like him before, but I just don’t quite understand why would someone go through all that effort just to fall back on their word once again. I refuse to ever speak with him, but I really did see something blossom with him. I really liked him and he specifically expressed how he liked me to and to be afraid to come to him if there is an issue. In which I have and we’ve came to a mutual understanding. I’m very vigilant when it comes to how one handles conflict resolution, and I really thought he felt empathetic and even begged for me to give him a chance when I initially wanted to part ways due to little red flags that I noticed. But I do now notice that once someone passed through my walls, just maybe I’ve given more chances than he deserved. I feel so used, played, and mentally beaten, which was something I was oh so careful of preventing. Any advice would be deeply appreciated thank you 🙁

    #878830 Reply

    Why on earth are you going on trips to NYC and then trying to go on dates? Do you know how unsafe it is to travel right now? It is unsafe to socialize with anyone right now.

    Other than that, I’m sorry you got ghosted but it happens to us all. The first time he failed to show up, you should’ve just moved right on. Maybe he’s actually heeding the government’s/state warnings and not unnecessarily leaving his house right now. Maybe your cavalier behavior frightens him.

    Find a great at home distraction and roll with it. Forget dating right now. Time heals all wounds.

    #878831 Reply

    What were the little red flags that you ignored when you initially wanted to part ways?

    #878834 Reply

    I feel like for the next few months the answer to every other question that comes up is going to be “why are you even dating right now?? You’re supposed to be in quarantine!”

    To answer the question as to why he ghosted – some people are just jerks, and this is one of them.

    #878838 Reply

    NYC is under lockdown. Why would you go there and then expect someone to go on a date with you? You should be self-quarantining for 14 days. Seriously! He probably ghosted you for some combination of fearing for his life and your ‘hard’ questions. He ghosted you after your NYC trip and you contacted him and excoriated him. I’m not surprised he wasn’t interested in seeing you after that. He may have said what you wanted to hear or he may have been teetering between wanting to see you on one level and thinking it was too risky on another and on yet another level finding you to be simply too harsh. I wouldn’t want to date a woman who was rather belligerent about having “been through men like” me before. If his grandmother has coronavirus then coronavirus-NYC is front and center in his mind. It sounds like you’ve only actually had two dates. Ghosting isn’t all that odd, but you refuse to be ghosted.

    #878841 Reply

    Ok, I’ll do the obligatory thing and ask if you are OUT OF YOUR MIND, wanting to get together with someone who’s been exposed. If he’s been around his grandmother, there’s a very good chance he’s infectious, even if he’s not showing symptoms. If he has it, and you spend time with him in close quarters, you’ll have it. And then you’ll be infecting the people around you even if you’re not showing symptoms.

    I haven’t seen my friends or my mother in weeks. I’ll live. So will you.

    Now, for the ghosting. He’s not boyfriend material. Even if he’s upset about his grandmother, he could say that, and not ghost you. If he didn’t want to go out while the city is under a stay at home order, he could say so.

    It’s upsetting to be ghosted. I’ve been there. But it sounds like you’re way, way, way too invested for such a new relationship. You’ve only been together for 8 weeks. Weeks. You‘re just starting to know each other.

    You’re probably wanting to say “No, I know him SO WELL. We’ve talked so much.” Getting to know a prospective partner isn’t just about talking. It’s about observing. Observing how they treat you. How they treat others. How they react to stressful situations.

    #878844 Reply

    When someone stands you up, you don’t then go on to have three separate conversations about behavior, communication, respect, etc etc. You say, “see ya.” The end. Especially during COVID. (To echo others: what were you thinking?!)

    Ignoring COVID for a second:
    You talk a lot about being extremely choosy, filtering out bad contenders, your walls, your criteria, asking the hard questions, and so on, but all of that sounds very… strained. Like, you have yourself on a tight leash so you won’t get hurt, and none of that would be necessary if you had some internal centeredness. Relax into some self-love. Give yourself a break. That way, you won’t have to be so on-guard (which didn’t even work anyway and never does).

    #878895 Reply

    Ignoring the virus here because others have addressed it. His behavior doesn’t match his words. People can say what you want to hear but when their actions don’t live up to the hype, you need to move on. He has showed you that so early in the relationship which is great because you can see who he really is now and not when you are so entangled later on.

    #878922 Reply
    avatarRuby Tuesday

    Maybe he ghosted you because he decided to do the right thing and stay home.

    #878930 Reply

    You are being incredibly irresponsible. I think all recent travelers to NYC are supposed to be self quarantining right now. Maybe ghosting is somewhat rude, but I think flagrantly defying safety measures during a global pandemic is actually much, much worse. People are dying.

    #878932 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    Dafuq’s wrong with you?!?! I live in nyc. The sirens are unrelenting, they don’t stop for a second. We lost 222 people to covid in 24 hours yesterday. Why were you here?! Everything is closed! Why are you trying to see anyone after being in the most infected place on earth right now? Quit being such a selfish jerk and self-isolate for two weeks before you spread this shit all over whatever town you live in.

    Grow up and think about your actions and your behavior a little bit and how you can be a better fucking person in this world before you try to date. This guy you’ve been seeing just found out his grandma had a disease that is killing grandmas faster than anyone else other than grandpas. Maybe he’s freaked out! Maybe he’s worried! Maybe he gives a damn about what is going on in the world and is utterly turned off by your seeming lack of regard about anyone but yourself. Grow up!!

    #878933 Reply

    Eh… Honestly? You don’t sound that choosy to me —- you simply sound a bit stuck on yourself. Oh, and more than a little nuts.

    PS — what’s the “Babe stage.” He calls you, “Babe?” Is that —- really somehow supposed to mean something? Or maybe it means you are simply grasping at straws…

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