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Girlfriends Friends

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    Hi! I’m a 28 year old male. I’m hoping to get some third party perspective or advice. My girlfriend and I have been together for abt 9 mnths now. She has 2 friends that she told me early on she was very close to. One of which is her roommate. These two friends and I have never spoken or seen each other in person, but they “hate me”, she says.
    Unfortunately, my GF shared some private conversations with her friends abt my views on a silly topic; Her friend’s boyfriends were discussing opening a “Bowling alley brewery” while the group was hanging out (I was not there). My gf shared the idea with me.. I’m a very logical and realistic person.. and told her statistically the venture was a for sure failure, and quite frankly sounded rather silly. She shared this, Which has mixed with other small differences such as political or religious to make a pretty strong bias against me. Again.. we have never actually spoken or texted or anything. They have urged her to break up with me. On two separate occasions she has broken things off with me due to the stress they put on her over this. The breakup not lasting very long. It was just silly immaturity until one day they actually called the police on me for coming to her house. I only received a warning.. but on the backend of it my GF refused to stand up for me or to them over it. Instead she broke things off a third time. Coming back shortly after. This time hiding our relationship.. not allowed to send her a FaceBook friend request, and saved in her phone under a fake name. And Obviously… not allowed at her house or to call while she’s with friends. A total secret. Her friends found out we were still together and blew up. This time they msged me (for the first time ever). One made threats using her “military husband” and “police chief dad”. When I asked what could justify such threats and hatred she only continued to tell me what a terrible person I was and that I was only pretending to be nice. The only reasons she ever gave were my personal opinions towards our differences (that never should have been shared). It was obvious that the conversation with her friend was not going to be a constructive one, so I broke off communication after a few msgs. My GF then called to say she had been kicked out of her house for continuing to date me (even tho she pays 1/3 rent and is in the lease).
    She once again broke it off with me… and once again came back shortly after.
    She is now trying to find a new place. She lives an hour away but works abt halfway between us. I’ve asked her to move to my town.. so we could be closer and she might gain a little distance from these friend relationships that seem to be unhealthy. She now says that she WANTS to.. but can’t because she would lose her friends. She says she hopes she can stay in her town for another year, to “let things cool down” before telling them we’re together. I am still not allowed to even send her a FB friend request as of now. She says I don’t understand the dynamic of they’re relationship bcuz I’m a man, and that they are her security net. She says this is a “need” in her life.. and wants me to understand.

    I feel that I’ve been taken for granted, and let this go too far. However, I try to be understanding and ensure I don’t simply have a blind spot.
    I’m my opinion.. the friendship has become controlling. It offers no security as it requires compliance. I also believe that a romantic relationship should Trump middleschool friendships when it comes to large life decisions. These things seem obvious to me; but I want to hear others take.

    Thank you!!


    Ok. Look, real talk. Your girlfriend has broken up with you, what, 5 times in 9 months? She hasn’t introduced you to her closest friends. She called the cops on you. She shit-talks you to her friends, who actively hate you. SHE hates you. Her relationship with her friends isn’t what’s toxic and dysfunctional, it’s her relationship with you. This relationship is not only horrible, it is OVER. How do you not see that? What is going on with you? Honestly, it sounds like you’re abusive and she’s trying to get out of a situation that’s toxic and dangerous. Yes, I realize you haven’t told us of any abuse. I’m reading between the lines.


    Yeah, re-reading this, it’s pretty clear that you’re controlling and dangerous. I can see it in everyone’s reactions to you.


    Honestly, I got bored a third of the way through. This is an insane amount of drama for a relatively short relationship. Find someone new.


    “She shared this, Which has mixed with other small differences such as political or religious to make a pretty strong bias against me.”

    Right now, political differences are not small. The fact that you aren’t sharing specifics on these differences naturally makes us wonder what your views are. Her friends deem them so hateful that they don’t want to live with her, because of her proximity to you. Sorry, dude, but this makes all of us rather suspicious of what you’re leaving out here.


    Everyone in her life hates you but you have never met any of them? That is bizarre. I can only think two things:
    1) What kind of guy in his right mind would want to be with this girl, if everything you wrote is true?
    2) Or more likely….there is a hella lot of very important info missing from your story.
    “I also believe that a romantic relationship should Trump middleschool friendships when it comes to large life decisions” is a red flag IMO. Why would a 9 month off and on very unstable “relationship” trump lifelong relationships with friends?


    She’s broken up with you four times. She’s told her friends horrible things about you and now they hate you. They’ve called the police on you. They’ve threatened you with police and military men and supposedly kicked her out for continuing to date you.

    No, a nine month tumultuous, I’m going to go ahead and guess abusive relationship doesn’t trump old friends.

    Sorry. You need to move on.


    Thanks for the feedback everyone.

    Where is the “abusive relationship” perspective coming from?


    From the way everyone in the story is reacting to you. Also your last paragraph sounds controlling and creepy.

    Either there’s a LOT you’re leaving out here about your own behavior, or she and her friends are batshit crazy. The first one seems much more likely.


    Eh… I can’t make heads or tails of your situation.

    Either everybody else is crazy. Or you are…

    At any rate, who needs the drama? Move on already.

    Oh, and here’s a handy tip… One good way to win over romantic partners friends is to —- you know — meet them and NOT arrogantly shit all over their dreams.

    PS — a bowling alley / brewery would make BANK in Los Angeles, California. So maybe it’s high time to accept that you don’t fucking know everything. Especially when it comes to your lame-ass political opinions. Of which I suspect I very well know what they are and that I myself view them with the most withering of disdain.


    Yeah, this dynamic is gross. You are 28 years old, grow up. Healthy relationships do not trump friendships. Healthy relationships don’t involve the cops. Healthy relationships are not on and off again. Healthy relationships do not have this much drama. At the very least you need to be single and in therapy to figure your shit out. I think her friends see all the red flags so much better then your ex does, and they are doing tough love.


    I’m not getting the vibe that you’re abusive or controlling from reading that. If everything you describe is true, then it’s no wonder you wrote that last paragraph: And if this is a relationship that intends to move on to long-term and eventual marriage, then yes, there will be situations where it needs to take precedence over some friendships, but that’s not a blanket statement about every situation.

    But here’s the most important thing: SHE thinks that these friends are more important than you are. That’s really all you need to know. They are aggressively hostile toward even just the idea of you, and she is allowing it.

    Cut her loose, my friend.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 114 total)
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