Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

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Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 114 total)
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    Hmm.. I hadn’t considered that.
    I see your point abt me being codependent here. It’s completely isolated to this tho! I have been lucky to find success in every other strata of life. Which is Kinda how I justify tolerating the drama I think.

    Frankly my life is otherwise boring! Lol


    Spouses that beat their partners are Always really great at apologies. It means —- nothing. Apologies are Fucking worthless. Our society thinks they are so meaningful. But no. They are just to lure you back to be hurt again. And again. And again.


    I wonder how many spouses now rot in the ground from accepting one too many apologies.


    As someone who is very, very familiar with dealing with BPD loved ones, I need to agree with the others. Even with extensive inpatient therapy and medication BPD is extremely resistant to change. Many therapists do not even attempt to treat it because results are so poor and usually specialized DBT techniques are required, and even then it’s unlikely to help. So the fact that she’s going to therapy absolutely does not mean that she will improve. Improvement is very likely not even one of her therapeutic goals. The lying, the mood swings, the verbal and emotional abuse, the rollercoaster…this will be her reality as long as you know her. There should be no “cutting slack” because she is eventually kind of sorry. The chances of her actually improving are so small they are statistically insignificant. You may think the intensity is attractive now, or your own codependency may make you hesitant to leave. But I have seen a marriage ravaged by BPD and codependency for decades and it is ugly. Ugly. Cycling endlessly through disdain, violence, abuse, and misery when most people should be enjoying their golden years. Alone because friends and family fled the drama years ago. Affairs just to feel desired and normal for a brief moment, followed by years of grueling emotional punishment in exchange. I’m not saying all people with BPD are bad, but I would never, ever advise staying with one who is already treating you badly. She. Will. Not. Change. Leave now and don’t look back. Even a few years down the road you will deeply regret the time you lost if you stay, and you will be emotionally and mentally beaten into exhaustion.

    I agree with Kate that things just do not seem right here. Get yourself into therapy. You seem really flippant about all of this and it’s really, really serious stuff. An unstable partner who breaks up with you over and over, getting the fucking cops called on you, having no one in your life you can get a sanity check from – this is really serious. What’s with the “lols” and exclamation points? There’s a reason you’re willing to accept this sort of behavior as love, please get some help with that. Your behavior is also very likely contributing to this shitshow and that needs to be identified and fixed.

    Start cultivating a healthy social life outside of this person. Join a club or sports league. Talk to people at work in your age group. Check out attend trivia nights at your local watering hole. You need healthy friendships.


    It’s not completely isolated to this one area. Dude, you don’t have any friends!

    Codependency doesn’t work in an isolated way. Continue on with a toxic partner if you want to see how it will screw up absolutely every department in your life.

    Codependent sex and relationships are fueled by need. It has an addictive quality to it. It feels like this person is filling an emptiness, but that is not healthy, not sustainable, and not even accurate. It’s a temporary high, with no roots — and lots of turmoil. Like a drug.

    If you won’t go to therapy, at least read a book. Barry Weinhold or Melody Beattie or John Bradshaw. But you should go to therapy.

    We all declare what is acceptable to us by what we tolerate. You are tolerating the fact that she wants to hide your relationship, that she gets furious at you for no reason, and that she (apparently) lies to her friends about you. Yes, you are saying all that is okay with you, because you’re still with her.


    This is so weird. You didn’t mention she has a serious, diagnosed mental illness until several posts in, after I said that either she’s bonkers or your behavior is abusive. Why would you withhold that info when asking for advice?

    Regardless, I detect sexism, controlling tendencies, and a lack of honesty on your part.


    “But she goes out of her away to apologize, and everytime I think it’ll be different.”

    Dude, listen to yourself. You sound like every battered spouse from every movie you’ve ever seen. “He’s always so sorry and says it’ll never happen again.”

    You are totally codependent; you are addicted to the potential. At the beginning of your relationship, she love-bombed you and made you feel wonderful, and now you keep hoping to get that back – and the only time you get it back is for a short while when she decides she simply must have you back.

    Your life will never get better until you take step one, which is leaving her ass for good.

    Try reading Codependent No More. I bet you’ll keep nodding to yourself the whole time as you recognize yourself. You say you’re only codependent with her. That is rarely the case, but even if it is true, you’re codependent with her. You need to fix that shit.

    I believe that you’re not the misogynist that some are accusing you of being, but you need to snap out of it. Her friends aren’t the problem; the problem is fully and completely with her, and now it’s your problem too.


    Sexist, not misogynistic.


    Look, it’s a well known myth that “crazy” women are great in bed. We can make jokes about it but the point is she has serious mental health issues, to the point where she VERY CLEARLY tells horrible things about you to all her friends. Her friends have believed these lies to the point where they have called the police on you. They haven’t even met you and think that badly about you, and you’re okay with that! It’s alarming. Either you really are a bad guy or you are desperate for human connection.

    Why did they call the police on you? I’d really love to know how she’s justified that to you. For one, I still don’t understand why the police would even respond to the call of someone being parked outside their friend’s home. That’s not illegal. There’s nothing suspicious about it. Did she tell them you are abusing her?

    You are so desperate for a girlfriend or a friend, that you are settling for this. She is clearly manipulating you. She’s clearly- by what you’ve said- lying about you in very bad and destructive ways. You need to open your eyes and contemplate the very real possibility of how this could affect your life. You can’t move in with her, dude. You have to stop seeing her.

    And he’s, I agree therapy would be a great idea for you. It’s really sad to me that you, a young guy has no friends. I’ve moved all over the place but I still have friends and make new ones.

    And look, constant drama and make up sex can feel really passionate and intense but it’s not real, man. That type of passion is not love. If someone loved you, they would introduce you to their friends and family. They’d be proud of you. They would not trash talk you to this degree. You wouldn’t have the police knocking on your door if things were good. It’s not normal. And this is probably not ever going to get better because now is the “honeymoon” phase when shit should be fairytale happy and great and she’s broken up with you five times and had the cops called. Please, get yourself to a counselor or therapist, even by phone if you need to. You’re backed into a corner and you think you can handle her but you’re being naive.


    And this has nothing to do with your politics or preferring Bernie over Hillary. I’m amazed you believe anything she tells you.


    You have a very solid point. I have never really looked at it that way. Since she is the one in therapy and with some diagnosable issues, I suppose I have always considered her the one who needed her needs attended to; and was more susceptible to abuse. I know I must look like a dolt putting it all out there and acting surprised… but I am sure I am not the only one who has tolerated too much in the name of high hopes.
    Thanks Friend

    Thank you for the feedback. I agree that the act of going to therapy alone does no good. I will also say that, at times, she seems to use her diagnoses as a crutch if not an excuse. Continuing this cycle “into my golden years” is definitely a worry of mine. The codependency thing is something that I have never considered before.. but does add up. I have always been a relationship guy, and put a high value on romantic relations. I had previously always thought this was just me being a “Hopeless Romantic”, but certainly see the points here.
    I will say, the loyalty and respect that she shows her friends and also her only other previous relationship gives me a little hope for her. I think I am kinda hoping to stay by her side through the BS to earn that kind of devotion as well.

    Thanks a lot! I really do appreciate you taking the time to write such a detailed post.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 114 total)
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