Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

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Viewing 12 posts - 49 through 60 (of 114 total)
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  • #887546

    Thanks you for the comment.
    “temporary high, with no roots”.. that really got my attention. You are absolutely right about the high of being with her.. as well as the addictive nature of the relationship. I will definitely take a look at some of the books available. I have always put relationships at the forefront of my priorities, but have never been this caught up with someone. I know she has some terrible traits, but so many other things about her are so wonderful. Her potential is intoxicating.

    I agree with your point about teaching people how to treat us by what we tolerate. This is my biggest concern with her, obviously. I don’t really care if we are on FaceBook or not.. its more just the principle of being taken for granted.. like a second thought.


    You also might want to read the classic: Women Who Love Too Much. Just flip the genders when you read it.

    It’s already messy enough to have involved the police. It doesn’t matter if she “didn’t realize” (WTF?!), that’s messy enough for you to treat this as an urgent matter. Your house is burning, and you’re lol’ing. Get your head in the game and stop being “hopeless” about romance.


    Hey Kate,
    I appreciate your comment and honesty. I originally was mostly looking for advice on the moving situation. (Granted I vented a bit and ranted). She is being forced to move out because she is dating me.. she says she would like to move closer to me (apartment, not move in my house) but is scared her friends would abandon her. My instinct says to encourage her to pursue what she wants regardless of her friends opinion (though I obviously have a bias in the deal as I want her to be close to me). But she says she wants more time to pass for them to cool down and change their minds. To me this seems like asking her friends for permission. So I don’t know if I should be supporting her insecurities or her personal wants. She has a very deep desire to please her friends. I initially was not being vocal abt it.. but she shared that her therapist recommended pursuing the relationship and allowing her friends to adjust at their own speed over time. Her therapist said to post Happy pictures and positive comments rather than confronting them. She now wishes to discuss it more… and I feel a bit trapped unsure if I am actually supporting her desires or my own; or if its okay in this instance as they align somewhat.

    I didn’t think the diagnoses was super relevant to the moving choice, as it has more to do with her friends dynamic than ours…? I only mentioned it once the multiple breakups and her gossiping to her friends was brought up. Was meant more to shince light on the fact that we don’t have any acute problems like cheating or abuse.. more like small things such as me going to long without texting her back, or not texting “GoodMorning” till I get to work rather than when I wake up . She blows up for a bit, cools down, but does damage inbetween (such as gossiping to her friends). Her therapist says she does this as a subconscious way to validate her insecurities by having others mad at me as well. Which is why I try to give her a little slack


    Thank you for the wise advice.
    You described the relationship pretty perfectly. It was incredible at first, and then the first incident has just continued to snowball. I still cant help but feel im just one small fix away from getting it all right. Her and I have never had a real issue inside of our relationship. It has always been something involving her friends. She’ll get upset over something tiny like my text response rate, or me eating without her, then blow up for a moment. Its during this time that she “overshares” (her therapist calls it) with friends in order to validate her anger. She calms down.. but the damage is done. Her therapist suggests that they are now forming opinions based on a bias that she has given them during the negative look through a keyhole they get. This bias has grown as shes hidden the positive in fear of inflaming confrontation with them. Her therapist has urged her to widen her social group and to pursue her personal desires absent their input.
    It puts me in an odd spot. A boyfriend who says “don’t listen to your friends” sounds instantly controlling. But it has been a constant problem for us.. and is also her own therapists advice. I am obviously not privy to her private therapy sessions.. but I assume she has disclosed info abt them even further than what I am aware of for her to receive such advice and an opinion from a therapist.


    Thank you for the comment.
    First, let me say Yes, she is very good in bed. She is also what you may consider out of my league. She is very attractive and receives a lot of male attention. To her credit, she doesn’t seem to be at all shallow in her affections. She values my calm nature, dedication to resolve conflict, and intelligence.. she says.
    Yes, its true that I have something of a desperate nature for a relationship. Just the thought of being single I find rather depressing. I DO understand that this is bad and leads me to tolerate too much..

    “Why did they call the police”? They were unaware we were together still. She refuses to add me on FaceBook even as a friend. So when I showed up early while she was at work, they took it as stalking. I asked her to explain it to them.. but she is terrified of losing them as friends. The cop said that they were called because “My GF said I was obsessive and wouldn’t leave her alone”. I asked them to please verify, they recalled the number and again said it was my GF. After the fact my GF called to say she did not call the police and had just learned of the incident. I considered going to the police abt the false accusation.. but it seemed like it would only cause more drama and I am not even sure my GF would have had my back.


    At this point…regardless of who is the good guy or bad guy, this is a toxic relationship and no amount of posts or commenting is going to change that. Moving on sucks at first, but it is a part of life. MOA. For the life of me, I cannot comprehend why you are hanging on to this relationship.


    “But she says she wants more time to pass for them to cool down and change their minds. To me this seems like asking her friends for permission.”

    I think she’s lying to you. She clearly doesn’t want to move with you, and she’s putting you off with this story. I find it very hard to believe her therapist said she should pursue a relationship with a guy never introduced to her longtime friends, who she’s broken up with multiple times in 9 months and lied constantly about and she won’t even friend on social media. Really? “Don’t talk to your friends about it, just post happy pics! Then you can move with him.” You think a therapist would say that? Have you been in therapy? A therapist would not recommend pursuing something this toxic and fucked up.

    Why do you believe what this woman is telling you? It’s clear from your original post that she doesn’t want to be with you, and clear from subsequent posts that she is mentally ill and lies.

    The fact that you thought the illness wasn’t relevant to the moving piece of the story indicates you’re not at all in touch with reality. Moving in with someone who has a condition like this would be a HUGE deal.


    “My GF said I was obsessive and wouldn’t leave her alone”.

    This. This is exactly the vibe I get from all your posts. That you’re obsessed and won’t leave her alone and she’s telling you placating lies to get rid of you.

    You claim she lies to everyone else, but somehow you think she tells *you* the truth?

    She has the capacity to be loyal to people – her friends, her previous boyfriend(s) – but you’re not picking up on the fact that she doesn’t want to be with you. Why doesn’t she make a clean break then, you ask? Well, it’s really really hard to get away from an obsessive guy, even if you’re NOT struggling with mental illness. It’s definitely easier just to tell you stories and hope you’ll go away. Meanwhile, you think you can just hang around and change her mind, which is what creepy obsessive guys always think.

    You’ve got people on here now believing she’s the bad guy because you told them she’s mentally ill, but you’re the one insisting this vulnerable woman is going to change her mind and move away from her friends to be with you if you just persist. You need to leave her alone and MOA.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by avatarKate.

    Dude. This is really, really unhealthy and you need help. When someone tells you that you’re obsessive, believe them and get help. You admit you wont leave this toxic situation because you don’t want to be alone and that she is the entirety of your life outside of work.

    Honestly the more I think about this the more sinister this all is. You seem attracted to her because she’s damaged. You admit you she’s out of your league looks-wise and seem to want to stay with her for that reason plus the sex, despite the fact that being with you is clearly not what is best for her. She’s been kicked out of her home, she says terrible things about you, and yet you are prioritizing what you want over what is so obviously in her best interest. You also seem to have zero emotion about any of this. Therapy, stat, and end this now. Though I seriously doubt you’ll do either.

    avatarPart-time Lurker

    “Her potential is intoxicating”. This says it all. People aren’t projects. They are who they are and the person they are today is who they will always be. Look at what she does, not what she tells you. Her actions are the true indicator of how she feels about you.


    Right, if you want what’s best for her, why didn’t you consider her serious mental illness in the decision about moving in? Why aren’t you taking seriously her efforts to end the relationship? Why are you going over to her house unannounced and stirring up shit? Why are you pressuring her? Why do you want her to choose you over her longtime friends?


    What Kate said. It’s pretty clear from all that you’ve written that you want this relationship *way* more than she does. I can feel her trying to put some space between you, and you keep saying “we’re so close to getting it right.”

    What if she doesn’t want to get it right? Why is it only your decision? I think between her illness and her friends and you, she’s feeling really overwhelmed. She doesn’t have the strength to properly break up with you, and just responds to whoever is pressuring her at that moment.

    And I have to say, the way you’re trying to get her to move away from her support system is just ugly. You’re a lot more concerned with getting what you want than with what’s best for her.

Viewing 12 posts - 49 through 60 (of 114 total)
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