Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Girlfriends Friends

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Girlfriends Friends

Viewing 12 posts - 73 through 84 (of 114 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #887636
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    None taken. But that’s actually two very different things.

    Look: my advice would be the exact same if the sexes were reversed. I’ve worked with people who I later learned were BPD. And this letter largely screams to that issue. The LW Has issues, sure. But his mistake isn’t being creepy. It’s being too naive and too trusting. He wants to SAVE her which is a lost cause — but how often are women here who want to SAVE equally messed up dudes ever called creepy?

    Sorry, I just don’t see it. We have plenty of creepy guys write in here. Most, actually. But I disagree with you on this one.

    #887638
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    I’ve known some people with nosy friends but they’ve never called the cops on their friend’s boyfriends or repeatedly threatened police intervention just because they don’t like a guy. There’s some bad crap going on here.

    #887639
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Unless the BPD person has repeatedly lied to her friends about him.

    One person I worked with was eventually fired only after going to HR to claim a colleague who barely knew her were trying to kill her. The whole thing was fucking bizarre.

    #887640
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Right, again, saying you don’t see creepiness here – it’s because you haven’t experienced it. It’s here. Her roommates were concerned enough to call the police over this guy’s obsessive behavior, which is very evident in his posts.

    #887642
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    I think the fact that she’s BPD is the reason a certain type of creep would get this involved with her.

    BGM, I think you’re right that she’s also a problem. Remorseless, compulsive lying is extremely common in BPD, both on it’s own and as one tool in an arsenal of emotional abuse tactics. It’s obvious he’s left out a lot of relevant information. Her friends hate him because she’s either lied repeatedly to them and refuses to correct the lies, she’s told them the truth about behavior that is obsessive and disturbing, or some combination of both. No matter how we slice it, blaming the friends for that is ridiculous. So why is he doing exactly that? The kindest explanation is that he’s in denial about the severity of her behavior, but I don’t think so somehow. I think the friends have picked up on things about him that aren’t ok and they’re encouraging her to ditch him, and he doesn’t like that so he’s demonizing the friends. Creepy guys do this all the time – instead of looking inward at behavior they can change they villianize the people pointing the behavior out.

    #887643
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    The fact that he sees the friends as the problem is also really off. I don’t believe that he really thinks that the friends are calling the police because he made fun of their feminism or he doesn’t like Hillary Clinton. I think that he knows that there are other reasons.

    #887647
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Saying you would give the same advice to either gender is like saying you don’t see color. That is something that racist people say because they have no idea what it’s like not to be white, and have no idea that people of color are in unique danger. Women are in unique danger that men just are not. That’s why it matters. Women get hurt and killed by men all the time. Men don’t have much to fear from women.

    And not for nothing, but yes, we would call a woman out on obsessive, creepy behavior.

    #887649
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Agree to disagree on this issue.

    But please do stop putting words in my mouth. For the record — I have never once said I don’t see color.

    #887651
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    It’s not an agree to disagree thing, you’re just wrong.

    While you may never have said “I don’t see color,” you’re doing the same thing by not acknowledging women are in danger that men aren’t, and denying gender plays a role in these situations.

    #887654
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I think she could be a huge part of the problem, but also a lot of what she’s done seems like deescalation tactics women (I say women because I am one) use to pacify a scary man.

    This guy has red flags galore. He has no friends. How does that happen to a late twenties man who’s gone through the marines? Isn’t that all about sticking with your buddy?

    He has no one he socializes with other than her, a mentally ill woman with severe issues (supposedly) who lives an hour away. She apparently has enough stories to tell her friends that they believe he’s a threat, that he won’t leave her alone, etc etc. He hasn’t gone into detail about anything she’s told them. Why?

    I think that itself is VERY telling. He’s done some or many things that are alarming enough that her friends, who know her MH issues- have called the police.

    At the point I also can’t believe the narrator here. Too little clarification on important parts of the story and yeah, the LOLs are getting weird. None of this is funny.

    #887655
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Oh, good grief. I am so NOT suggesting that. I am merely saying I don’t see that here. In this one stupid letter.

    Must you turn every thread into a pissing contest? I thought the point of these forums was actual discussion — not blind consensus.

    #887656
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    There are many ways men can be threatening without actually making an explicit threat.

    What guy would stick around after all this? A normal, well adjusted man? Nope. Maybe she is not being clear with him but all her friends know he won’t go away. Many people have a hard time saying NO or even telling someone they don’t like them, don’t want to see them anymore. I can absolutely imagine her trying to back away slowly without disturbing his ego. She blames her friends. She’s suddenly moving out- is she, or is she trying to get him to stop coming to their home?

Viewing 12 posts - 73 through 84 (of 114 total)
  • The topic ‘Girlfriends Friends’ is closed to new replies.