Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Girlfriends Friends

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Viewing 12 posts - 97 through 108 (of 114 total)
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    Exactly, FYI.

    I swear sometimes we are all reading different letters. She dumps him with mountains of drama drama drama — only to then beg him to take her back — according to the narrative which is fucking textbook BPD behavior…


    Where is he now? What happened to replying to all and then some?

    Anyway – he didn’t need advice on his initial inquiry. He needed confirmation to MOA. Come on, he kept lol-ing because it’s simply “dumb”

    It’s now 2 days later – Hopefully you’ve purchased some of the recommended books and researched Therapists in or outside that “dry county” in Arkansas.


    Even if I take everything in your letter at face value, I don’t think you quite understand what it means for your girlfriend to have a personality disorder. The nature and severity of personality disorders is devastating- it means that the illness is at the core of your being. Doing anything about it, even just the work of mitigating the symptoms means a person has to change EVERYTHING. Not just how you interact with your friends and how you treat your boyfriend, but everything about how you structure your life.

    I have a cluster C personality disorder. The symptoms don’t just affect my relationships, they affect everything. Because it’s my frigging personality. It doesn’t FEEL like an illness. It feels like who I am. Unfortunately, who I am is not very functional. I’ve been going to therapy every week for over 6 years just to recognize and minimize symptomatic behavior to function on a basic level. Because my disorder is anxiety based, from the outside it looks a lot like agoraphobia. In 6 years of work, I can leave my house and manage my shopping and order in a restaurant. I can call the vet and text a friend. But I still can’t look for a job. It takes a long time to manage even small, basic changes.

    Your relationship sounds very classic to me- really good sex with a super hot person, and enough drama to fascinate. But, dude, those butterflies you feel when you think of her? That ain’t love, it’s anxiety. The sex hormones and your loneliness are confusing you. Those kinds of relationships tend to be very obsessive, because seeing her alleviates the anxiety. You actively feel better when you see her, so of course you want to all the time. But it ain’t love, even though it feels agonizing and desperate so it must be, right? Leave and stay gone, ya’ll are no good for each other.


    Actually, his first post just says she “came back” each time. Maybe he added the “begging” part later in one of his personal replies to someone where he changed his story, but the first post just mentions multiple times she broke it off and “came back.” Coming back to an obsessive guy who pressures you (we know he pressures her) would just indicate you want to be rid of him but it’s difficult to get out.


    He also said the police gave him a warning, which to me means he actually did something other than park near the house.


    Right, a warning for what? Being on your girlfriend’s street? A white guy (right?) in a Cadillac? Pretty sure the Arkansas police would be biased toward this being a misunderstanding and sending you on your way.


    “I swear sometimes we are all reading different letters. She dumps him with mountains of drama drama drama — only to then beg him to take her back — according to the narrative which is fucking textbook BPD behavior…”

    My first read was that he was just in a dysfunctional relationship, but seeing this again I guess that I have a hard time seeing him a reliable narrator. I don’t believe that the police are being called and threatening him to stay away because he didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton. I don’t believe that everyone in her life is desperately trying to keep him away because he made a joke about someone’s feminism. I think the fact that he continually portrays this as being an issue with her friends keeping them apart is highly suspect. I don’t think that we’re getting anything resembling an accurate portrayal of events.


    Thanks everyone for the posts and comments.

    A little clarification.. as things seem to be getting off par. I AM with this Girl.. as in she spends most of her time with me. As in she sleeps in my bed most nights. We are actively together. I DO understand many of the points made.. but I’m not going to break up with her Simply because Her friends don’t like me and she doesn’t want to add me on FB. Yes, I find it irritating and insulting, but abandonment issues IS a problem for BPD people and her particularly. So I cut her slack.

    In reference to all the comments abt me not having friends; I really don’t see why that’s relevant. I have always been comfortable by myself. Everyone has always made me feel like a leper for being shy and introverted. That’s just how I’ve always been. Nothing “sinister” abt it. I hold many meeting at work every week and have excellent communication skills.. I just prefer my own company. My hobbies are gardening and woodwork; neither require friends. But anywho…

    I also like the use of “Lol” and “!”. Again.. nothing sinister. I have a personality and I’m not over here crying. I Do take her issues serious, as well as mine. But my life is far from chaotic; I’ve been fortunate to be very successful in life.. and just happen to have a relationship with some issues.

    As far as “obsessive” goes. Yes, I very much like my GF; I wouldn’t be with her otherwise. There’s no guilt there; I find her adorable and precious.

    Not sure where the “Creepy” is coming from.
    It seems like the explanations for this are circular (he’s creepy bcuz he’s creepy bcuz he’s creepy). I’d be open to hearing a reason, honestly. I’ve never forced myself on her or pressured her into being with me. Yes, she blows up and has “broken up” with me a few times now… once for a whole hour, once overnight, and only once for a few days.
    I’ve been very adamant that if she leaves.. I will not pursue her. I HAVE blocked her and she made an entire fake FB account just to msg me and ask to come back. I don’t show up anywhere unannounced.. this is my GF. Not a girl I’m stalking. When she runs away, I respect her decision and won’t even text her back. She always returns, usually upset that I didn’t pursue her, or that I went on another date.
    She can leave if she wants.

    As far as the friends.. Yes, I do believe they are bad for her. They have a lifestyle I consider less mature than hers. She has also expressed this to me. I assume she also has to her therapist for him to offer such advice. If the roles were reversed no one would say she was controlling for advising me to make decisions without consulting my immature friends. I LOVE my Little Sister.. shes my favorite person. But she is very immature and has a lifestyle I don’t want… so I don’t go to her for advice on how to live my life. This doesn’t mean I Love her any less. I’ve only encouraged the same mentality with her friends.
    Not forced! But I’m as entitled to an opinion as anyone else. My GF likes coming to me for advice.. and I like giving it to her. That’s part of our dynamic.

    Sorry I haven’t been as vocal the last day or so! I work A LOT. I work for the Hospital and as you can imagine it’s crazy these days. But I do appreciate the Participation!
    However, let’s maybe resist using racial tensions to make cheap points.

    Thanks guys!!


    Points about gender are not “cheaper” / less valid than points about race.

    All this “adorable,” “precious,” “pouty-lipped” crap is so gross and paternalistic.


    You’ve moved passed constructive convo. Are you okay? You seem to dislike me and even BitterGayMark for no reason. Like you’ve wondered into the wrong forum. How does race or gender have anything to do with my topic…

    Yes, I find my GF adorable. She’s my buddy. I’m not going to feel guilty for liking her.

    Again, more than welcoming of any solid logical explanation to your taunts.



    I mean…good luck with this. I’m not even sure what advice you wrote in seeking at this point. Your girlfriend has a severe mental illness. You describe a host of inappropriate, concerning, emotionally abusive, and unstable behaviors that stem from immutable characteristics at the core of her being, which you apparently believe will change. You don’t deny your unhealthy fixation with her, you admit you’re with her because she’s hot and you like the sex, and you also admit she’s the sole social outlet you have and you won’t break up with her because you have no one else despite the fact that your relationship is clearly bad for her. You then say you see no problem at all with the fact that you have no friends or support system and can’t see the very obvious connection between that and your current, very unhealthy, circumstances.

    You asked where the creepy comments are coming from. Calling a grown woman “precious and adorable” is infantilizing and creepy, and objectifying. Men who speak this way, and who “like women who come to them for advice and enjoy giving them that advice” usually like having power over people, which is easier to do with someone who is vulnerable. Showing up at someone’s house, having the cops called and recieving a citation, and having that not deter you in any way is creepy. The fact that you keep circling back to her friends as the problem instead of taking responsibility means you are living in Creeptown. But, yeah, have fun. It’s clear there’s nothing we can say that you are willing to listen to, despite your cheery “thanks for the comment” that feels very much like thinly veiled disdain.


    Yes, I’m ok, and I really hope your girlfriend is as well.

    And yes, I dislike your persona here, and I dislike BGM’s ongoing bias against women.

Viewing 12 posts - 97 through 108 (of 114 total)
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