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Going to male friends house

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  • #963331 Reply
    avatarSara
    Guest

    I am married and have a close male friend (he has a girlfriend) who I frequently see. For the most part my husband is ok with it but we do have some boundaries in place. A lot of times i go to my friends house and catch up for a bit before his girlfriend comes home and then we all hang out or other people will come over too.
    I am supposed to meet up with my male friend tomorrow. He invited me to his house but his girlfriend is out of town this weekend. We are probably going to hang out for awhile at his place and then get some food and drinks somewhere and then come back before some of his friends come over or we will meet up with his friends at their place.
    My husband isn’t ok with this because he said it’s different because my friends gf is out of town and he doesn’t like me being alone there with him. He said it’s inappropriate as a married woman.
    I don’t really get this because what’s the difference between me being there alone and then his wife coming home from work to join us and being alone with him there while she is out of town.
    Am I far fetched to think my husband is being controlling? I don’t want to tell my friend that I can’t come over “because my husband said so”.
    Advice is appreciated.

    #963332 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    He’s saying he doesn’t trust you and only the threat of being discovered by the gf is what keeps you from ripping one another’s clothes off and getting to it on the living room floor.

    Because if that isn’t what he means then he best use arguments from the 21st century and not “things look unseemly” which is also when we worried about women showing their ankles and thought riding in a car might cause uteruses to fall out.

    #963333 Reply
    avatarSara
    Guest

    So it’s not a matter of inappropriate/not inappropriate. It’s a matter of trust?

    #963334 Reply
    avatarcsp
    Guest

    I think you guys need to talk about the rules for your marriage. I know for me, I would not feel comfortable if my husband was hanging out at a single woman’s place. I wouldn’t forbid it but I would have some questions. Why doesn’t your husband hang out too?

    #963336 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    Well first of all, when you hang out with anyone outside your household, wear masks, keep physical distance, and try to keep it outdoors if you can. That should minimize your risk.

    Oh, your husband is worried about some other risk? The risk of something untoward going on?

    Well, personally, I trust my husband to be around other women and not cheat (or to decline any advances), and he trusts me in reverse, and I couldn’t imagine not being in a relationship where I couldn’t trust my partner.

    THAT SAID, we all make comprises for our partners in different ways. If something hugely bothers my husband, even if I think it’s fine and he’s being irrational, you know, sometimes you give the small things for the big picture of your marriage’s harmony.

    Assumming your husband is generally loving, respectful, trusts you, and isn’t controlling, indulge the occassional hang-up. If this is just one example of a greater pattern of distrust and controlling behavior, well then couples counseling ASAP.

    Maybe start with asking him why this makes him uncomfortable, what he is fearful could happen. Maybe talking it through and reassuring his fears will make him feel comfortable with you going. Maybe you can talk about some comprises that will make him feel more comfortable (rather than go to your friend’s home, maybe you meet him in a park or somewhere public? Maybe you invite your husband along?)

    But if it’s a one off and your marriage is otherwise pretty healthy, maybe indulge him. Marriage is long, not every hill is a hill to die on. But if everything is a hill, maybe don’t stay in this marriage.

    Only you know what situation you are in.

    #963337 Reply
    avatarSara
    Guest

    My friend isn’t single he has a serious girlfriend. And we have similar lines of work so I like to connect with him about that without my husband there because I don’t want him to feel third wheel. Plus it really helps me decompress with someone about work that understands it.
    When my guy friend and I hang out with his friends like usually invite my husband to meet up with all of us.
    If he doesn’t trust me how can I help him trust me so this can be a normal friendship. He wouldn’t care if I was alone at another female friends house…

    #963338 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Hi Tina!

    #963339 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Hey Tina,
    I’m genuinely curious why you’d write a post like this? Is this supposed to from the other woman’s perspective? Is this the same other woman or a new on?

    You haven’t left him yet, I take it.

    What’s the stopping point for you? It’s going to continue in this manner, possibly worse until you choose to leave this situation. I hope you come to that realization soon for your own sake and peace of mind. Your life doesn’t have to be this way. He’s never going to change. He’s never going to give up his girlfriends.
    I’m sorry, I wish you’d choose your happiness over this illusion of marriage.

    #963340 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    She’s asking the same question she always asks: “Am I being unreasonable?” She just flipped the genders.

    #963341 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You’re right. How exhausting this must be for Tina.

    #963342 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    WTF?

    No matter how many times you ask, the answer is not going to change.

    Also, all this “going here, going for drinks, friends coming over, then going there” — WTeverlovin’F???? Whether it’s the fictional YOU doing it, or your real-life cheating husband, does no one understand that THERE IS A PANDEMIC THAT IS GETTING WORSE??? It’s real. It’s happening.

    Christ on a cracker.

    #963343 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    where I live, nobody is going to anyone else’s house. Right now, the best way to hang out is online, and if there is no physical element involved, that should be no problem, so just meet that way, problem solved.

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