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Dear Wendy

Going to male friends house

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Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 32 total)
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  • #963345 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Wow. At least he’s getting more truthful; he’s openly telling her he’s going to his mistresses house because her boyfriend is out of town (and it’s time for him to get some). I’m willing to bet my next paycheck he doesn’t come home that night.

    Tina, people do things, make sacrifices, set boundaries all the time that they don’t personally love or agree with “because their spouse says so”. It’s called compromise and respect. Even in the alternate universe upside down where this woman isn’t his affair partner (she is) it would STILL be inappropriate for him to be in her home alone because of the serious boundary crossing he’s been engaging in for, what, a year now? He. Doesn’t. Love. You.

    #963346 Reply
    avatarAndrea Letsen
    Participant

    I have no idea what everyone is referring to but I am assuming there is a very similar post by someone named Tina where the situation is the same, only with the genders flipped over.

    From a clueless standpoint on what’s actually going on – I’m going to respond on the assumption that you are genuine, because the advice would be valid either way anyway.

    Your SPOUSE has expressed discomfort at you spending time alone with this other person. Are you really that willing to cause a rift in your marriage and go against what your spouse has said just to spend some alone time with a friend??? That’s where this story falls apart… if this person really were JUST A FRIEND, you wouldn’t even consider causing issues in your marriage just to spend time with them. Your husband and his happiness should be your priority. As has been said by others, many people make sacrifices and compromises every day in their marriages – it’s what needs to be done to make marriages work.

    I do feel very sorry for your husband that your vows to him fall lower on your priority list than hanging out alone with some friend. Sounds like he definitely drew the marriage short straw.

    For your sake and your husbands, grow up and get your priorities straight. If not, give the poor guy a divorce so he can find a good woman who will treat him with respect.

    #963347 Reply
    avatarSara
    Guest

    How does the victim in this situation move on easily? The choice is awful both ways: loose my home, the husband I love and spent 1/2 of my life with and invested so much love into because of his actions. Or stay and cry myself to sleep when it’s 4am and he hasn’t returned home. I loose big time… both are so horribly painful.
    I don’t know life without this person… I haven’t gone on a date since I was 19 (I’m 31 now). I wanted to start a family … the thought of starting over makes me have so much anxiety and feel very very frozen. Like I don’t have the strength to leave this life and marriage even though I know 100% I deserve better than this.

    #963351 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    That’s a false choice you set up. First of all, talk to a lawyer, you don’t have to lose out financially here. Your adulterous husband should. Leaving this home situation that causes you pain and anxiety doesn’t mean you lose your home. You would find a new home where everything is the way you want it and you can become happy again. You wouldn’t be losing a loving husband either, you’d be dumping a cheating, lying, empathy-lacking asshole who doesn’t want what you want, including kids. Start being honest with yourself!

    #963352 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, you don’t move on “easily,” but you move on and things get better. You just do it. You talk to a lawyer. You get divorce papers. You find a new place to live. You no longer feel sick and devastated. You don’t stay up crying because your cheating spouse isn’t home at 4am. You feel ready to date again at some point and you meet a good guy. Somewhere in there you find self respect, you take care of yourself, and you realize you’re ok.

    #963355 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    If you’d taken the advice we originally gave a year ago, you’d be 30 (not 31) and facing the same circumstances. You’ve lost a year of child-bearing potential to the SAME CRAP, and this guy isn’t going to have kids with you.

    The longer you stay, the more you lose. He isn’t going to change.

    #963356 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    You are still very young and can start a family if you want to- after you leave this man. You are experiencing this how many days a week? Starting over will be hard, but it’s not going to last forever. Staying with him- when he has repeatedly told you he chooses her over you- I’d the option that prolongs your pain. You’ve supposedly spend half your life with this asshole who openly cheats on you with (over the years) many other women. He doesn’t care that you feel pain. He doesn’t care if you leave. He’s always going to do what he wants.

    I really wish you’d see a therapist and take the actual steps to reclaiming your life- a divorce attorney. 31 is not too old to start over. Choose your happiness, and what you want in life over this shameless cheater.

    #963357 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    Tina, you’re not happy. You have so many strangers imploring you to leave your husband because you deserve better.

    You need to see a therapist by yourself. You also need to speak to a divorce attorney. Come up with a game plan. Start searching for houses or apartments. Then leave him. Do not separate. Divorce. Continue seeing a therapist until your mentally stronger. Then date.

    You’re not too old to start a family. I have so many friends who married mid thirties and had kids mid 30s to early 40s. I married at 37. It’s not uncommon.

    Again, you have two choices. Leave and be happy. Or stay and accept that this is who your husband is and learn to deal with it. He isn’t going to change. Personally, I’d choose the former.

    Also again, even if this were happening with a friend of the same sex, I wouldn’t put up with my husband coming home at 4 am on the regular. And I completely trust my husband.

    #963359 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    One of those choices ultimately leads to healing, joy, and the life you want. The other choice never will. It’s the choice between 3-6 months of mourning, sadness, and upheaval followed by a lifetime of happiness, a partner who loves you, and children. Or a lifetime ever growing, constant ache of grief, betrayal, anger, resentment, and pain. Especially when you look back not that many years from now and your chance at biological children has vanished.

    We’ve told you, over and over and over, how you start the process. Talk to a lawyer, read “Splitting” by Randi Kreger, gather all the bank, mortgage, retirement statements that you have access to. Get all your important documents gathered somewhere secure, including a copy of your marriage license. Tell your friends and family what’s been going on. Start therapy. Look at local real estate and apartments. Visit your ob/gyn and tell her what’s happened and get a full checkup and std screen.

    #963360 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    I didn’t follow all of Tina’s and her avatars’ posts, but this one is so sad. Tina/Sara, you speak as if you were 65 years old. And you are 31??? Do you have so little confidence that you prefer staying in this crushing situation rather than… acting? You prefer torturing your mind in these roles swaps self-justifications, rather than making a decision? You prefer living in a lie (the “home” you live in, the “love” with your cheating husband, all fake imitations of a happy marriage). The day you will owe your own reality, you will be honest with yourself, you will feel much better and empowered. And you won’t need to stay in the shadow of your husband’s contempt. You will realise that you can make it, and the earth will still be revolving.

    #963361 Reply
    avatarAndrea Letsen
    Participant

    So it’s your husband who has a female friend? I’m so confused…

    If the actual situation is the reverse of what you posted, and it’s your husband seeing a female friend that you have expressed discomfort at – then yes please take everyones advice and leave. My previous response applies, just with reversed roles.

    I’m sorry for your situation 🙁 but it can get better if you put yourself first and give yourself the chance for a life you actually want.

    #963366 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    @AndreaLetsen – Tina is a regular help-seeker here. The situation here is fabricated. She basically just flipped the genders here. Her husband has a “best friend” that he spends all of his free time with. Her husband has a history of cheating and making Tina miserable.

    Tina – you said you haven’t been on a date since you were 19. You literally don’t have any idea what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t a piece of shit. Life can be so much better than this. Go on a date. Don’t even wait to get divorced or separated at this point. Find someone better.

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