- This topic has 15 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Lori.
- May 4, 2019 at 7:33 am #842488StuckOnAnIssueGuest
I just need advice as I’m not sure if I am overreacting or if my friend is not the friend I thought she was.
My partner and I both have a mutual friend. For her birthday we both attended and bought her a present together (I was the one who picked it out and also put a bit more into it).
We both went to her birthday event which was bowling and I paid for her to bowl as I didn’t want her paying for herself on her birthday.
Fast forward a few months and my birthday rolls around. She let me know she couldn’t afford a present for me which I said was not an issue at all and that my present could be her not worrying about money. She didn’t offer to celebrate my birthday by catching up or chilling or anything though.
Fast forward 3 weeks and my partner has his birthday event which is dinner then drinks. She said she could not attend the dinner as she was too poor, again not an issue at all, she came to the drinks but was there for an hour if that and left to go elsewhere with other friends. She didn’t say goodbye to anyone or message me but she did message my partner. She messaged him quite a few times but he did not respond as he was upset that she ditched his event. She also called him 5 times and when he didn’t respond or answer she blocked him on messenger.
This led him to blocking her on all contact platforms. A few days later she drives over and they talk about the situation and make amends.
A week after his birthday event his actual birthday rolls around and she gives him an $80 gift.
Am I overreacting at the fact she was too poor a month prior to get me anything or even a week prior to come to dinner but she can afford an $80 gift for one person?
My partner thinks it’s nothing because it’s been a month since my birthday and also that she may have bought it to make amends for his birthday event but I’m feeling super hurt by it and it’s not sitting nicely with me.
I do not care about gifts either. Personally spending time is more important but I just feel the principle of the situation is not right.
Also she was the last to message me which was the day of my partners birthday event. Not asking any questions or anything though but didn’t say bye so I didn’t message back as u was super busy preparing for his event. She hasn’t messaged me since and it’s been 2 weeks.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.May 4, 2019 at 9:13 am #842497FyodorGuest
I think that your partner acted in a petty manner and she tried to assuage him and now you’re upset that you didn’t shake her down the same way. Adults don’t usually get their friends birthday gifts. You guys are both being bad friends to her.May 4, 2019 at 9:14 am #842498FyodorGuest
Honestly, if she was writing in, I would tell her to find different friends.May 4, 2019 at 10:07 am #842505dinocerosParticipant
Yikes. I think there’s a lot less conflict when adults don’t put that much emphasis on their birthday. When I have a birthday, I invite friends to do something together and then if folks can’t come, then that’s it. I don’t expect them to make it up to me in any form. I think birthdays are for celebrating the day of, and then once that day is over, that’s it.
Ignoring messages and calls because someone only stayed for an hour at your birthday drinks is petty. It’s also sort of strange that you were both upset that she didn’t do enough for your birthdays, but then when she buys an expensive gift, you get upset about that too.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever been broke, but yes, a person can afford something one week that they couldn’t the week before. For example, after they receive a pay check. After they find out what their expenses were for the previous week. Etc. Judging whether you think someone could have afforded something or not is really not appropriate.
If you wanted to spend time with her without spending money, then you should have just said it. “I don’t expect you to spend money on my birthday, but can we just get together instead? Maybe you can come over and we can chat and have snacks.” Most people who are embarrassed about not being able to afford going out are going to think that it sounds sort of silly to invite you to do nothing for your birthday, unless you tell them that’s what you want.
My advice: Apologize that things got out of hand. Tell her that you just wanted to spend time together. In the future, don’t make such a big deal about birthdays or judge people for how they do or don’t spend their money on you.May 4, 2019 at 3:33 pm #842521ronGuest
It does seem petty for your husband to refuse to respond to her. She was petty to block him on one platform and he was more petty to block her on everything. I’m sure she did feel shaken down for a gift she couldn’t afford. Accept at face value her admission that she is very strapped financially. Do you have any reason to expect this is a false cry of ‘poor’. Your lives seem very tied to social media and your birthdays for healthy adults. You have weaponized both and turned them into tests of friendship. If you only want friends with as much money as you have, who can afford to go to all dinners and purchase gifts for all birthdays, that is your choice, but it seems more than a tad shallow.May 4, 2019 at 3:38 pm #842522MaltaKanoGuest
Yikes. You both owe her an apology. Unless you’re 5, birthdays should not be such a big deal. If a friend admits she’s hurting financially, offer to take her to dinner or have her over some time, since the point is just spending time together. And getting someone a birthday gift does not mean you deserve one in return. Between adults, gifts should be freely given, with no strings attached, and no one should keep score. If you’re friends over years, things tend to even out.May 4, 2019 at 5:56 pm #842526BittergaymarkGuest
Yeah. This is a lot of fucking drama over birthdays….May 4, 2019 at 6:38 pm #842528StuckOnAnIssueGuest
Ok I probably should have put some back story.
Like I stated earlier. Could not care about the gift. I’m not shallow but I feel as though she favours my partner. I would have been so happy and grateful if she had just said let’s catch up and celebrate no money involved. Time is what’s important.
There have been countless times that she has messaged him rather than reply to me and also a time where we were a way on holiday and she messaged him to ask when he was back so she could give him something.
I really couldn’t care about presents but what I was trying to get at was I feel as though, me personally, am no importance to her as I am always trying to catch up and always hit this wall of ‘I’ll let you know when I’m free’ to get no response.
I 100% get having no money and when I can’t get friends gift I ensure I schedule a time so I can at least celebrate with them.May 4, 2019 at 7:09 pm #842530anonymousseParticipant
How are you both mutual friends of hers? Was she your friend first? His?
If you didn’t care about the gifts, why mention it? It kinda seems like you do care about the gifts. You’re upset she did nothing for your birthday. If she’s broke, she isn’t going to offer to meet up or celebrate your birthday…because she is broke, and she knows what you expect. And I bet she also knew you and your bf were doing enough to celebrate.
It’s really weird to be so concerned about reciprocity with gifts and birthday celebrations as an adult. You’re not ten years old. No one truly cares about your birthday after….21? 25? I mean, truly.
Maybe she can tell you have this issue, and she’s backed off because there is no way for her to afford to buy you gifts and take you out. You shouldn’t buy people gifts and treat them and EXPECT them to do the same for you, just the way you want. If you can’t temper your expectations, prepare to be disappointed a lot. It’s nice when someone gets you a gift. It’s a bonus, not the baseline.
She went to your partner’s birthday and left after an hour. Why is that offensive? She showed up! There is so much judgement about what she does. Why?
The drama afterwards on both sides is just bonkers. If they made amends, what is the problem? Maybe she doesn’t like you as much as your partner. Is that really the heart of this issue? Is it because even though you’ve bought her gifts and paid for her to go bowling, she still just doesn’t like you as much? Have you tried to actually talk to her about this? “Wanna meet for coffee, my treat?”
The $80 gift. How do you know it was $80? Maybe she got it on sale, or even regifted it to him. Did you google to see how much it was?
You have no idea what she is personally going through. You see the top of the iceberg of who she is, what her life is like, etc etc. instead of assuming what she is doing, try being a little more generous with your assumptions. She’s broke and probably living from paycheck to paycheck. There could be a lot more to her life, but even just the money issue is enough. And people are different! Everyone is different. Everyone is unique. You cannot expect everyone to behave the same way as you do. Stop trying to put a square peg into a round hole.May 4, 2019 at 7:13 pm #842531anonymousseParticipant
Not everyone is going to like you. Life is not a popularity contest.May 4, 2019 at 7:15 pm #842532MaltaKanoGuest
Ok that sounds like a different problem. Have you talked to your partner about this dynamic? Does he notice? Maybe she does just like him more than she likes you. I have some couple friends where that’s the case – I enjoy both, but have more in common or a better rapport with one of them. Is there a romantic element/threat here? Either way, it’s okay to be hurt by her preference for your partner, but I’d start by talking with my partner and getting his take.May 4, 2019 at 7:23 pm #842533saneincaGuest
I totally get where you are coming from LW. She is trying harder with your partner and blowing you off.
Was she his friend first ? Or is she one of those who latches on to her friend’s boyfriends ?
Nevertheless, I suggest both you and your partner take a step back from this person. She is definitely acting weird. And trying to cultivate a separate relationship with your partner rather than both you as a couple.