- This topic has 27 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 2 weeks ago by LisforLeslie.
November 20, 2020 at 8:36 pm #964616EmmaGuest
We’ve been friends for 5 years. And it’s quite a cute story to be fair, I’m just scared and would like some other peoples opinions/perspective on the whole situation.
So basically I’ve liked him since college, but after new years the unexpected happened and he had said he wanted to kiss me on new years. I was not long out of a relationship at this point, and neither was he. We broke up with our partners around the same time actually.
Now, because we were only out of relationships about 2 months, we were kinda of like, friends with benefits would be fun. Nothing ever came about of it though and then
My ex came back into the picture, and well, I got sucked back into to that toxic “relationship” again with my ex. Even though me and my ex said we were “just friends”, as the months went on it was basically like we were in a relationship, doing things couples would do but not actually in a relationship. Yeah it fucked with my head. that’s why 3 weeks ago now I finished with him and I’m so much happier.
So while I was in this toxic “relationship” with my ex, my friend was always there for me. And we’d talk about how we felt about each other and say things like “I wonder what it would be like”. He was the one that helped me basically, break up, with my ex. Now since I’ve finished with my ex, things have been, how should I say it, progressing? With my friend. I see him like twice, three times a week. I kissed him for the first time like 3 days ago. Everything seems to be going really well. I do like him alot. I finally think I found myself one of the rare ones, the good guy. But what I’m scared of is,
I feel like I miss out on red flags and get caught up in this ‘fantasy’ in my head. And then, theres always a catch, or something goes wrong. What I’m scared of is, does he want a relationship with me, or does he just want in my pants?November 20, 2020 at 10:50 pm #964618ronGuest
Do you want in his pants?November 21, 2020 at 12:52 am #964620BittergaymarkGuest
Ron’s question seems flip — but really… it’s the most valid one out there. Honestly? Fools who routinely get repeatedly sucked into lousy relationships would be wise to actually start having a few simple, uncomplicated flings…November 21, 2020 at 1:57 am #964623bloodymediocrityParticipant
What red flags did you miss with your ex? What red flags are you seeing with this friend? I get the impression that there’s something keeping you from jumping into this further. What is it?
If it’s “oh, I don’t want to ruin the friendship” – it’s probably too late for that, so you might as well keep going.November 21, 2020 at 2:02 am #964625Ele4phantGuest
Oh to be young.
Honestly sounds like you want a rebound and he’s the one that’s there. You just ended a relationship that you admit was pretty screwy, maybe you should just chill and be totally unattached for awhile. No new boyfriend, maybe no hookups (at least with this guy, sounds like there’s already a ton of strings).
Also obligatory – there’s a pandemic happening right now, it’s surging everywhere in the northern hemisphere now, we really should be limiting how many people we have close contact with, so…maybe don’t hop from one dude to another.
Use Covid as an excuse to come down off your breakup and maybe by Jan, Feb, March whenever vulnerable people and health careworkers have started to get a vaccine and we are starting to come down off the winter infection peaks, you can revisit whether or not he’s someone you want to be intimate and up close with on a regular basis. If you still want him in late winter/early spring, well then jump in.November 21, 2020 at 9:25 am #964628EmmaGuest
I am taking onboard what everyone is saying, people who give advice on these sites are pretty wise and can look at the situation from an outside perspective.
Bloddymediocrity, red flags thay I missed out on my ex, are big red flags thay I think I’ve, well I hope, I’ve learnt from. There was one time I seen messages he sent to this other girl and I brought it up to him and he denied it. As soon as I left the room because I was done talking, he deleted the messages and then showed me, he never talked to this girl. Until I came upfront with him I said that I seen! Them. At that stage I should have ran for the hills. But I stuck around, for another two years.
With this friend, I dont see any red flags, he tells me nice things, like at times when we went for a walk in the past and he had wanted to kiss me, But now he can. But I think because of my past relationship with my ex, who lied and gaslighted me, I find it hard to believe what someone says now. So I’m questioning if my friend saying nice things to me like thay, is just a way to have sex. And yes, I want in his pants. But not right now, I first want to see if this is something and if he is genuinely interested in me.
I’m also scared if I tell my friend that I just want to be by myself for a couple of months, have time to deal with my past relationship, thay I’ll lose him. That hes not going to wait for me, till I’m ready to move forward with me.November 21, 2020 at 10:01 am #964629Part-time LurkerGuest
If you feel like you need time alone be upfront about it. If he’s your friend and genuinely interested he won’t just suddenly lose interest and if does then you have your answer. Don’t waste time twisting yourself into knots wondering about what ifs and maybes.November 21, 2020 at 10:16 am #964630anonymousseParticipant
I think listening to your inner voice telling you to wait a few months is a really good idea. If he truly is a good guy, he will wait.
Take the time you need. Maybe he will move on, but that tells you exactly what he wanted in the first place, right?November 21, 2020 at 10:19 am #964631KateKeymaster
You don’t know what you want, but you want him to want a relationship?
You’re scared he just wants sex and not a relationship… so then why:
“ we were kinda of like, friends with benefits would be fun. ”
Is that what you really wanted? I’m guessing neither of you did because nothing ever happened.
You need to not send mixed signals, or try to guess what he wants and then say that’s what you want. If you don’t know, that’s fine, then just let this unfold organically and see what happens. There’s no need for anything to happen right now anyway. Pandemic, recent breakup, no idea what you want. Maybe just do nothing.
I will say, most of the time in these cases where you’ve got the on-off relationship and the guy in the wings, it turns out neither of them were the right guy. Better to be alone, find peace with it, and then meet a guy when you’re really ready.November 21, 2020 at 10:40 am #964632EmmaGuest
Thank you everyone. I’m going to reflect on everything use have said. I think the right thing to do is to reflect on my past relationship and deal with it. But I’m scared of losing him, Which is always how my mind works. And that fear makes me jump into things, which probably doesnt help me.November 21, 2020 at 11:45 am #964633anonymousseParticipant
Fear makes you jump into things. It is good that you know that about yourself. Scared of losing him as a friend? Or as a potential boyfriend? Needing time to reflect on your past relationships and think about what you want shouldn’t send him packing if he actually sees relationship potential with you. Have you ever considered seeing a therapist to talk this stuff out with? They can be a really good neutral sounding board to help figure out why you have this tendency and how to change it.
Do nothing, as Kate said. Work out how you feel. You don’t have to announce to him that you need time, you just take it. That doesn’t have to mean you stop talking to him or anything, it just means you don’t progress this until you feel more sure about what you actually want.
I do think it’s confusing that you mentioned wanting to be FWBs, but worry he just wants sex. I mean…you have to stay true to what you want or you will end up in a situation that makes you deeply unhappy. And I do think it’s very interesting that you both previously said you wanted FWBs, but then nothing came of it. Why didn’t anything happen?
Don’t get into a FWBs situation unless that is what you actually want. Because those can often end up messy if you aren’t communicating well or have agreed boundaries, etc. You don’t have to agree to what he wants to keep him, or if you do- he’s probably not worth it.November 21, 2020 at 12:01 pm #964634KateKeymaster
If he is going to disappear, you realize that means he’s not actually your friend, it means he was hanging around hoping to get laid. So why don’t you see if he does actually stick around and be your friend, and not jump in there and suggest you two be FWB or whatever. Let it develop. If he leaves, let him, there’s your answer.