Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Good friends that said we liked each other

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  • #964635 Reply

    My answer was only partly flippant. LW said she and this guy have been friends for quite a while and that she could talk to them. She never said she felt physical desire for him. She is worried that he wants to get into her pants faster than she is comfortable with. So… the major thing that seemed to be missing from the possibility of turning the friendship into a relationship was real desire on her part. I say real, as compared to frantically trying to leap into a relationship and trying to convince herself that he can be a relationship partner, rather than just a friend.

    I doubt he just wants to get into her pants. He has been around quite a while, as a friend, even when she returned to her asshole bf. If she chooses to try for a relationship, she still gets to control the pace. I fear more for the friend. If she feels no physical desire for him, the honest thing is to tell him exactly that now and stop toying with him. From the way she said what she wrote, I suspect she has no desire for him and wants to lock him into a nonsexual relationship that is a lot closer than friendship. so she’s not alone and so she is less tempted to return to asshole ex. Describing him as ‘nice guy’ suggests that if she weren’t hurting from ex, she wouldn’t possibly consider him as a possible bf.

    So ‘so you want to get into his pants?’ seems to be the most pertinent question.

    #964636 Reply

    If he genuinely wants to be with you, and you genuinely want to be with him, those feelings will still be there after you’ve let your head clear for a couple of months.

    If you find that in a few months one, or both of you, are no longer interested, well that was always the truth and time just revealed it.

    I mean you do you, but I highly recommend that you take some time to process your last relationship before jumping into something new right away.

    Just be straight with him – you need some time to get your head on straight before starting up something new. Whatever happens from there is what would’ve happened anyways, eventually.

    #964642 Reply

    All really good advice and alot to think about.

    After starting this thread, I did get back in this with my therapist and my first session is in 2 days.

    I’ll keep use updated on what happens with the friend

    #964643 Reply

    Sorry, but a lot of this seems …. not cool. Not cool at all.

    You kind of ignited things with this friend and then went back to your asshole boyfriend for more crap. Now, only THREE WHOLE WEEKS after ending it with that guy, you want to start up again with your friend? I mean, have some respect for the guy, for chrissakes. That’s a horrible roller-coaster to put him on, all because … it’s been three whole weeks with no drama?

    Why can’t you just chill? Be HONEST with the guy. Tell him you need to not have any entanglements for a while. (But I know you won’t do this, because you seem addicted to drama, and you want attention from him to distract from your loneliness.)

    I dunno. It seems to me like you’re treating him like a toy you can just take on and off the shelf when you feel like it.

    #964650 Reply

    FYI : a little bit harsh no? I get where you are coming from, and I see why you would think this but honestly, you only know a tiny bit of everything! That happened. You dont know excstly who I am, who my ex is or, who the friend is and what we are all really like. So to come out and say something quite so harsh doesnt help me in anyway to try and look at things from a different perspective. I’m not trying to start an argument or a negative thread, I HATE conflict. But your comment has negatively affected me in the way you communicated it.

    #964654 Reply

    Emma — Look at FYI’s response as a prompt to fill in the important things which you feel you left out in your tale about the 3 of you. Opinions and responses can only be made based upon the information you provide. I got the same impression that FYI did — you’ve had multiple opportunities to begin a romantic/sexual relationship with your friend. Rather, you are still attracted to your shitty ex. Now, why are we wrong? What haven’t you told us?

    #964656 Reply

    “You don’t know exactly who I am, who my ex is or, who the friend is and what we are all really like.”

    No, I don’t. I can only go off of what you say; I am not a mind-reader.

    What you described is a guy who is your friend. You sidelined him in order to go back to your ex. Immediately after you break up with ex again, you want to start up with him. THAT is why I said you should chill. I don’t see anything harsh about that at all.

    He was available as support for you throughout your breakup, after you already sidelined him once, and now — what? He has to wait around while you decide whether you trust him? That indeed seems not cool to me, at all, and I don’t think it’s harsh to say that either. You are not ready. That’s what you asked, and so that’s what I said.

    #964676 Reply

    To tell use everything, I wouldn’t even know where to start. Like my problems begin in childhood. and also, I feel if I go into it, it’s like I’m giving use this ‘sob story’ to have everyone on my side, or to feel sorry for me. which is not the case. I also don’t want judgements of the mistakes I’ve made in my life.

    I’ll try to tell some of it and try to keep it short… enjoy the read… hope it makes sense.

    My dad, non-existent. his words when I was 12 years old “Emma, you’re old enough now to know, I want nothing to do with you” there’s waaaayyyy more to that story, but you get the idea. That’s where my problems stem from. then also the bullying all the way through school which leaves me with not good self-worth. so that brings me to, getting into unhealthy relationships.

    I’ve been working on this in therapy since I was age 19. I am now 24. My relationship with my ex began as a good relationship but it started to get toxic not even a year into it. I didn’t realize this when I was in it at the time. He would text his ex behind me back, lie. he gaslighted me for the whole three years and made me feel crazy. He broke up with me probably about 4/5 times but would always get back with me. how I look at it is, I was feeling so down when he would come back I just wouldn’t want to feel this low anymore, so id jump at the chance. one time, he broke up with me but when he came back to me, he told me he cheated on me with an escort. but of course, I still went back to him. We broke up for the last time in late November 2019 and then he got back in contact with me in early Feb 2020.

    Now my friend and I had just admitted our feelings to each other on Jan 1, 2020, so we were chatting, nothing serious for about a month and a half until I started backing off when my ex came back in the picture, which I told my friend, I was talking to him again. Why I don’t view it as sidelining him is because at that point we weren’t even talking about being in a relationship. It was just FWB talk. nothing happened between me and my friend. We didn’t talk to each other in a flirty way after my ex came back in the picture, we just went back to being good friends and things with my ex seemed good. He was nice to me again, it was like the beginning of our relationship, until months into the friendship, around March/April I could sense something had changed. so things started falling back into the same pattern of me not trusting him, arguments, and so forth. I started to view me and my ex as a ‘thing’, but we weren’t. we were just friends who hung around a lot with each other, had sex. basically a relationship but it wasn’t.

    Now around late September, my friend and I started talking about us again. The ‘Whats If’s’ and talking in a way of not just friends with benefits, but talking in a way that came across as, being in a relationship. this made me start comparing how shit my ex was treating me, and how well my friend was treating me. And making me realise, being with my ex is not what I want. And I knew what my ex and I were doing wasn’t right, but you see, my ex would phrase it in a way that made what we were doing seem okay. saying “we’re just friends and when someone comes along we will talk about it then”. He’d always make it clear that he didnt want a relationship, but he’d string me along. for whatever reason. so it was then that I started to view my friend as someone who could treat me right and not be in this dark place anymore. So I finally had the strength to end things with my ex and move things forward with my friend.

    This is why I started this thread. I don’t want to get into another bad relationship, I don’t want to miss out on red flags, I don’t want to be used.

    If use still see it as sidelining my friend, then I’ve work to do, which is why I’ve my first therapy session tomorrow. (haven’t gone since the start of this year because of covid)

    #964678 Reply

    You said your friend wanted FWBs in the beginning. That’s what you talked about.

    I’m curious as to how he is now talking in a way that’s not just FWBs, but a relationship.

    Is he being clear and telling you he wants a relationship with you? Because it sure doesn’t sound like that is what he’s saying.

    If he’s being evasive, or confusing or not being clear- he wants to fuck you, not have a relationship. If he tells you that you can start as friends and see where it goes….I think he just wants FWBs.

    When men really want you, they make it crystal clear, not confusing, not hinting.

    And you say your ex was very clear he didn’t want a relationship, but was also stringing you along…are you sure? Because if he was being clear with you and you stayed….that’s on you. You are an adult capable of making decisions for yourself.

    I’m glad you’re going back to therapy.

    #964680 Reply

    Not clear. Did you ever get to the B part of FWB with friend, or was he just a friend that you talked to about possibly being FWB? Do you actually want a full relationship with this friend. Is your mind still in a place where you are likely to be sucked back into sex with shitty ex. That is what the therapy should be for: why are you having so much trouble being finally done with ex and what do you actually want from this friend?

    #964682 Reply

    Honestly, I’m glad I’m going back to therapy tomorrow aswel. It’s hard to read the truth.

    I’m truly finished with the shitty ex. I wouldn’t be able to do a FWB with my friend anymore, as my feelings have grown for him so yes, its a relationship id be looking for with him

    #964683 Reply

    Good. Then carry on as you are.

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