Guilt and low over a crush I’ve fallen for
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Hi.
If possible would it be possible to receive some advice? May be long so I apologise in advance.
Back in march I met a girl online but at that time I had no confidence, shy and was nervous when I met her. We met a couple of times but always talking on the phone. Sadly I lost my job and other issues arrived and became severely depressed. Few weeks later she informed me she wanted to be friends, I was struggling and didn’t deal with it in the right way by drinking heavily and calling her. Eventually and I agree that she should’ve she blocked me. So it was two months I improved myself lost a lot of weight got a new job, went on a couple of dates. My confidence was high and was loving life but kept thinking of her as I did really like her. So as she followed me on instagram she messaged me after two months asking how am I . Yes I was very happy she messaged me and tbh when it comes to her I should’ve just said my intentions from then regarding herself. I decided not to rush and constantly text and call like I done last time. Everything seemed to be going well then a very close member of my family sadly passed away and I had to have joint responsibilities of organising the funeral,dealing with solicitors and my mum was struggling very badly like all of us grieving. I did inform the girl I like all this as we both spoke regarding problems etc. I never had so much pressure on my shoulders doing all this and at the same time I kept on thinking of her. Eventually I asked her out for a drink and she said yes. So we went out, now I can’t really handle alcohol like I used to and at the same time she said she had interest and wanted to start as good friends meet up regularly and into something after. She always texted me each night as well.Obviously I was happy but I had all this other things pressing my mind worrying about my mother and was getting calls from her. Now, me and her decided to do shots – bad idea. We took a picture together which she put on Facebook which she never does. Sadly the alcohol caught up and I couldn’t remember leaving the bar and woke up in her bed fully clothed. I got home and text her-no reply but read. She text me she’s unhappy because she said I couldn’t stay at hers and her daughter was there and I was apparently refusing to get up and her daughter was upset which is still hurting me now.Now not being wise I can’t remember any of this and sent my deepest apologies to them both, she didn’t block me but no communication from her. I was out a week later again drinking and text her sorry and other things- nothing vulgar or explicit. Eventually we texted again with each other and she said hoping my mum is ok and I will let her know how how the funeral goes. I did text her and said I’ll call over the weekend, but I thought I’d leave it and give her space as I was texting too much and maybe thought she was upset. After that time I text her regarding a favour I needed to help with elderly care which she does. She replied and I thanked her and said I’ll call Friday which was two days later. No answer, so as well I was told my responsibilities with the solicitors and other issues regarding my relative are finished and it was a relief so I text the girl thank you for asking about my mum and being there when I talked to her about this and I’ll call Sunday at 2:00. She replied with “ no worries, talk soon “ . Not sure about the reply there . I’m not that much bothered about social media but she did unfriend on Facebook after that night of our drink together. Thing is I really like her and also see her as a very special friend to me and I just want her to be happy and safe as her past exes have been very tough and unkind towards her. I’m not like a “nice guy” when it comes to dating I speak my mind and intentions. But when issues are happening in my life it happens when I talk to her and I turn into this other character being nice and friendly and no flirting nothing. I gather this is not going to happen with her now but some way I really want it to. If anything is advisable would be much appreciated.Here’s the thing, this woman has had such bad relationships in the past that she was willing to overlook a whole host of red flags on your part and give you a second chance. And then as soon as you two met and she seemed receptive to seeing where things would go, you got blackout drunk and refused to get out of her bed, blowing things up with her kid. That’s really bad. If she would give you another chance after that, then she’s a complete mess herself. Maybe she will, idk. But it doesn’t sound like you’re in any shape to be in a relationship.
Look, a lot of people have had bad drinking experiences, but it sounds like you really have a drinking problem.
Please, may I ask this? Is it possible that you may have a drinking disorder? If that is indeed the case, please stop drinking for your own sake. If you are blacking out, cannot handle alcohol, and use it to cope with life’s struggles, you may very well have a problem. I have an alcoholic spouse, and while I have read that there are over 100 different types of alcoholics, I will tell you this: I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Walk away from alcohol, put it behind you, and find healthy ways to cope with life. Life is full of ups and downs, and the sooner you can find healthy ways to deal with this, the better off you will be.
Deal with yourself first, and learn to love and respect yourself. Healthy relationships will follow.
Also, my condolences to you for your loss.
Yeah, if you read this neutrally, every time you’ve fucked up – it’s because you were so drunk that you lost control. No one needs to deal with that. Especially a single mom who has to protect herself and her child.
You may not think you have a drinking problem but there’s a saying from Alcoholics Anonymous: If someone has a problem with your drinking – you have a drinking problem.
You need to work on becoming sober. You sound like a nice man who has made mistakes.
Being a single woman and having a drunk man she barely knows refusing to leave her house and scaring her daughter- She should have called the police. You need to take this seriously and look into whatever services you are drawn to for sobriety. AA, others…good luck to you.
You do sound like a nice person who has made some bad decisions while drunk. Some advice in getting her back? Start by going back to the gym and to AA meetings all while giving her some space for a few weeks. That old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” does hold truth. Clear your head a bit. Then, write her an apology letter: not a text, not an email, but a letter. Go to the store and grab a nice blank notecard and write it out. This shows effort as well as thoughtfulness on your part. Write the draft on something else if you need to first, but focus on her emotions. Let her know how you imagine she was probably feeling and use words such as “afraid” when you recount being passed out in her bed. Be specific in what you are sorry for but also make sure to focus on her emotions. When referring back to yourself, you can use words like “ashamed” and “embarrassed.” By focusing on her emotions, you are showing empathy for her. By using words like embarrassed, etc. when describing your own behavior, that gives the reader the impression that you are truly sorry and have learned from your mistakes and won’t repeat them again. At the end of the letter, let her know you are taking steps to live a healthy life and that you have quit drinking and that you are going to the gym. Then, put the ball in her court and let her know that if she’d like to have a friendly date with you, you’d love to bring her to the park or to the movies (obviously, not the bar!) as those kinds of places feel safer for her, and you won’t be tempted to drink. If you do decide to include a small gift-like item, make it something friendly like some home-baked cookies or banana-bread or the like. Flowers are too romantic.
I can’t promise you anything, but, I am a grown-woman, and I have seen guys mess up more times than I can count and still redeem themselves. The point here is is that we all make mistakes. If you own up to them, take accountability and show you’ve taken action to correct your own bad behavior (as well as put in a tiny bit of effort without coming across as creepy as I suggested), she just may give you a second chance. If you decide to try out my advice, please let me know how it goes.
You may have a problem if you frequently experience blackouts, battle with alcohol, and turn to it to get through difficult times in your life. Although I have heard that there are more than 100 distinct types of alcoholics, I will tell you that I wouldn’t want that on anyone because I have an alcoholic spouse.
