Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Gut feeling or red flags

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Gut feeling or red flags

This topic contains 24 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar SpaceySteph 4 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 25 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #836272 Reply
    avatar
    Grace

    Hi everyone,

    I have such a beautiful boyfriend. Inside and out. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anyone before and we are so close. I can feel us getting closer all the time.

    My dad died recently it was unexpected and horrible. I would have not got through it without him. He’s been amazing! He also came out to visit me whilst I was volunteering abroad for 3 months. That’s when we made us official.

    I was abused as a child and have had issues with trusting men. I am struggling though, with just simply relating everything back to that. I worry so much that I’m being ‘duped’.

    My boyfriend has so many female ‘friends’ on social media. He ‘likes’ their pictures including those who he has had flings with. I give him credit for having healthy endings in relationships, he doesn’t seem like he’s had any horrible endings with girls before. I had a horrible ending with my ex, and would bother liking any exes stuff. He also seems to like a sexy selfie and it gets to me.

    The other day I saw he had messages from girls in his insta messages section. (I didn’t go through phone, I never would, he was just showing me something on his phoned and I pointed out that he had a message. He very reluctantly opened his messages). He gave me some spiel about how he gets scam messages and messages from girls who are interested in him but he doesn’t reply. He said he would be honest with me.

    He’s 9 years younger than me (25) and I know there are cultural differences but I don’t get why he is bothering with SM if he loves me.

    He loves me being around his family, constantly talks about our future and is so loving! He’s always with me and we have so much fun together.

    I’m constantly thinking that I’m not good enough for him and get suspicious about EVERYTHING. I get so paranoid and I don’t know why! Should I leave him? I really don’t want to.

    In my previous relationship, I would go through my boyfriend’s messages even though I knew he loved me. I don’t really know what I was looking for. In this relationship I casually stalk him on SM to see what he’s up to. I know it’s not healthy but I’m desperate to know if he’s doing something wrong.

    He has no idea and I feel so sad that I can’t be honest and talk to him about it.

    The other day I was invited to his friend’s birthday party but I was ill. He told me he’d understand if I was ill and needed to look after myself. In my head I turn it into him basically saying he doesn’t want me to go and putting me off. I have those kind of thoughts with EVERYTHING. I’m so tired of it! I have no idea whether this is truly a red flag. In all other aspects this is the healthiest and kindest relationship I’ve had. He has no idea I’m like this.

    Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

    G

    #836274 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s not a red flag, but it’s like a pink flag. I think if a guy has a girlfriend or wife, he should knock off the following and liking the sexy Insta ladies and thirst traps. Following friends and exes is ok, but following bikini and lingerie girls and liking their pics is a bad look for guys in relationships. I would tell him you aren’t comfortable with that and ask him to please stop.

    Now, his DMs. He probably does have a bunch of messages in there going way back that he wouldn’t want you to see. But if you’re getting a gut feeling that he’s currently messaging women in a way you’re not comfortable with, you should talk to him about it. Not in a “let me see your phone” way, but a more general way about setting the boundaries of your relationship and what you’re both comfortable with.

    It’s not normal or okay to need to go through your boyfriend’s phone though.

    #836275 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Actually this is a red flag on your part (like for him): I don’t get why he is bothering with SM if he loves me.

    It’s social media! It’s part of people’s lives and how they keep up with what’s going on. His use of it has nothing to do with his feelings for you. He can follow women and like their pics, within reasonable boundaries.

    #836276 Reply
    avatar
    JD
    Member

    I know for sure men get those strange messages. They are from bots not real women. Another of the billion reasons I have everything set to private and am only friends with those I know personally. I wouldn’t love the liking sexy pics thing, but I have seen that this is something younger men just do. That being said it sounds a lot more like your own insecurities than anything he is doing. Him saying it’s ok for you not to come to something when you are sick does not require picking apart. It means “sorry you are sick babe it’s ok if you can’t come”. I think some time with a therapist to work through your insecurities would be ideal.

    #836278 Reply
    avatar
    Grace

    Thanks for your responses 🙂

    It’s clear that I have my own issues. I agree and with the liking other girl’s pics. They are actually girls that he is friends with and it just seems that they are constantly posting selfies and all liking eachother’s selfies.

    I would never go through his phone. I would feel so sad for us if I did. But it would reeeally scratch an itch and I would be so tempted. It would completely ruin any trust that I am trying to build and I know that needs to come from within and not checking messages.

    @kate totally agree! It is a red flag for him and it’s sad that I can’t admit to him that I’ve stalked him on SM. I think he would be really shocked and freaked out.

    I’m currently seeing a therapist and it’s really hard to fix this. I jump to very quick assumptions like when his phone rings, I think it’s another woman and it’s turns out it’s his sister. When I see he’s online I assume he’s messaging other women. It’s tiring!

    But what I’m afraid of is that I’m going to put this all on me. Make myself blind to the fact that he’s really doing something wrong. And that I ignored my ‘gut’ the whole time.

    I try to think rationally and understand that he’s brought his whole family and good friends into our relationship. He has bought some baby clothes online that he said he’s going to keep until we have one and constantly talks about moving in together. I just can’t believe it’s real and think he can do better than me. It’s such a shitty place to be in.

    I’m aware that I sound a bit weird. I shouldn’t be setting the bar so low at my age. I think that it’s because I’ve only just started to deal with sexual abuse from my childhood and I have not ever really known what a normal healthy relationship is.

    I feel so sorry that he’s got someone like this with so much baggage. So for me to end up trusting him and get it wrong will be devastating.

    G

    #836279 Reply
    avatar
    JD
    Member

    I mean, right now it is on you. He hasn’t shown you that he is doing anything wrong. I am not coming down on you but you have to chose to trust someone you are in a relationship with unless they give you reason to not trust them. If you can’t do that, either you are actually seeing signs (which in your case I wouldn’t trust) or you aren’t in a place mentally to be in a relationship. Thinking it’s another woman when his phone rings? And what if it is? He wouldn’t be taking the call in front of you if it was. And if it was and he didn’t take the call, he could still be doing nothing wrong but didn’t want to take the call.

    You do need either more extensive therapy or at this point perhaps a different therapist to work through the childhood abuse issues you are just now dealing with. It is really difficult to be in a healthy relationship until you deal with that. The person who abused you put you in that position and it is their fault but sadly one you have to deal with. You need to be in a place where you can bounce back from finding out someone lied. That doesn’t mean it is ok but it WILL happen at some point from someone and you need to be able to mentally get past it and not be in a mental place where it will cause you serious mental harm. You can never know, in any relationship if that will happen. The best you can do is go in with your eyes open and hope for the best. People might even hurt you when they don’t mean to, it happens.

    OH but buying baby clothes online for when you “have one”, so weird. Stop thinking that is cute, it’s creepy and weird. I’d be more concerned with that than the possibility of him cheating. Even women don’t do this let alone men. So weird. Do not even risk getting pregnant with this man until every and I mean EVERY issue is resolved.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by avatar JD.
    #836283 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Whoa whoa whoa, back up the bus.

    “He has bought some baby clothes online that he said he’s going to keep until we have one and constantly talks about moving in together.”

    What? How long have you two been exclusive? Talking constantly about moving in together seems premature. But buying baby clothes??? That’s BANANAS. Cuckoo. Did you tell your therapist that? That is a red flag right there for me. What’s his living situation right now? What’s yours? How much money do you have? Is there a chance he sees you as a sugar mama?

    #836285 Reply
    avatar
    Grace

    Thanks both. Yes I do need to deal with normal relationship set backs. I’m dealing with it slowly and I think it will take a long time before I’m healed.

    Ohhhh yes I can see why that may seem like a red flag. We’ve been together for about a year and a half. I have noooo money. I’ve just finished a masters degree and am currently looking for a job. He’s paying for most things at the moment. I can understand why it sounds weird! I didn’t explain about the context. We’ve been talking about the kids things for a while, it wasn’t out of the blue. We’re talking about a place together and starting a family. (Obviously I need to work more on my self before that). I think one time I was explaining how much I loved elephants. He then told me that he had seen this cute little elephant baby poncho online.

    #836286 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    All right, I still think it’s *weird* though.

    A year and a half is toooooo soon to be talking about settling down and starting a family, at least for this relationship. You’re feeling like you two are “getting closer” and worrying about his social media habits. You’re not at the stage yet to be locking it down and getting pregnant. You also had a traumatic event (your father’s death, I’m sorry) in the recent past. And your boyfriend is much younger, which matters. I would give this at least another year, with regular therapy for you, before you make plans to move in. You also need to feel secure and like you trust him before you do that.

    #836287 Reply
    avatar
    JD
    Member

    Agree with @kate. For sure don’t move in with him when you have NOOO money or you will find yourself stuck when you want out (if you do). I don’t think a year and a half in you should be planning a child yet as you are not in that place in your relationship.

    #836295 Reply

    The baby clothes thing is the only red flag I’m spotting on this guy as it could be seen as a push to speed up the relationship. Everything else cited as a concern seems pretty normal. I think keeping at that therapy to get that jealousy under control should be your number one priority here.

    #836303 Reply
    avatar
    ron

    LW —
    I’m glad you’re in therapy. From what you wrote, it sounds like you killed your prior relationship through your own jealousy and sense that you couldn’t possibly hold onto a guy. That is very low self-esteem, which you need to fix in order to have this or any relationship have a chance of working. You can’t love if you can’t allow yourself to trust.

    Almost everyone has failed relationships in their past. Yes, it hurts a lot when they end after you have become attached to the other person. If your goal is to have a wonderful life-long relationship, then that’s a risk you have to take. And you have to trust as you are taking that risk. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You presented zero reason not to trust your bf, yet your heart stops every time the phone rings or he is on his computer. He might love you with all his heart, but be driven away but all of your fears that he’s cheating. You say you fear that you will focus on your inability to trust so much that you miss signs of his misbehavior. You can’t happily live life like that and you certainly have a lasting relationship while thinking like that.

    This all seems to stem from your comment “I’m constantly thinking that I’m not good enough for him.” That’s the sort of low self-esteem which will self-sabotage any relationship you are in. Don’t worry about missing signs of his bad behavior; fix yourself. That’s the important thing and the only thing in your power to control. Remember that he has voluntarily chosen to be with you. He believes that you are good enough for him.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 25 total)
Reply To: Gut feeling or red flags
Your information: