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Gut feeling/red flags again

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This topic contains 29 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar Grace 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #839497 Reply
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    Grace

    Hi all,

    So I posted a couple of weeks back about not knowing the difference between gut feelings or red flag due to social media checking.

    Good news is that I’ve stopped checking SM. I realised that I’m better than that although I do still think about doing it sometimes but stop myself.

    I still have a nagging feeling and am so tempted to leave the relationship after our first proper row yesterday. We are just approaching 8 months together. He invited me to visit his grandparents with him. All in all I spent 5 days with his family, non stop. It might seem normal to do that but as my Dad has recently passed away I found it very challenging to be bright and bubbly the whole time. I tried my best. I noticed he wasn’t as cuddly as usual but kept thinking about my trust issues and insecurities and tried not to overly read into everything.

    When we got back I said goodbye to him before driving home and I felt that he was just not the same. I told him I would be very busy with seeing friends. I was traveling to see them for a few days so we might not see eachother for a while. Two weeks have gone by and all we have done is just text back and forth all the time.

    During that time we had a bit of a sarcastic exchange with him saying that I’m the one that could phone him.

    Anyway, we have gone from seeing eachother all the time to hardly seeing eachother due to him getting a full time job. I’ve started building up self employment work but am not as busy as him yet. He was messaging me on Sunday and I was expecting him to tell me his days off for this week but he didn’t. Yesterday, he messages me good morning. He asks me what am I up to and I return the question. He responds by sending me a picture of him chilling in his garden. I respond by asking him if it’s day off and he says “Yeah, come over if you want”.

    I was upset by this and let him know. I told him it seems like he is fine with not seeing me or speaking to me for 2 weeks. He said that he invited me over (I said I couldn’t drive as I have a headache), and that I declined and then got all ‘weird’. He brought up that he hasn’t seen any missed calls from me. I said it’s up to him to let me know when his days off are and he said he should have let me know and apologises.

    I explained why I was upset and said we need to think about whether this is truly working. So more back and forths, with no phone call from him. Just quite flippant responses. Later on he offers to drive to see me if he can get his car to work (to be fair I did know that his battery was drained a few days before by him leaving his lights on & it’s a very old car). But surprise surprise he couldn’t get it to work and he thinks he needs a new battery. He just messages me later on to ask how my head is.

    I’ve had no messages from him today and feel that it’s just not good enough. I know I’ll be fine on my own but feel ever so sad that he got to know my Dad before he died and spent all that time with me in hospital with him. I’m pretty devastated about it. He was also such amazing support, it was quite early on in our relationship but he kept on telling me he loved me.

    When I explained how I was hurt I also told him how grateful I was for his patience as I knew that it had been quite heavy for him. He replied that it had been heavy and not always ‘super fun’ and if he wasn’t bothered he would have stopped trying a long time ago. I can’t help it that my dad died! I can’t help that I’m not always’super fun’. I think if he loved me that wouldn’t even cross his mind. I’m so worked up by this and am so close to saying to him to meet me with my stuff and just get it over with.

    My friend told me not to do that as he might get defensive and that I owe it to the relationship to just meet up and talk. But at this stage I just think it’s not good enough. You’d have thought by me expressing doubts about the relationship that he’d be doing everything in his power to save it but it just seems like he doesn’t care. I feel so sad. Am I being too quick to end things with him?

    Thanks for any responses to this essay!

    Grace

    #839506 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I agree that this relationship isn’t working, and the problems seem to be on both sides.

    You are being exhausting, honestly. I know you have a lot of bad stuff in your past that’s messing with you, but you’re acting in ways that will destroy rather than sustain a relationship. You want him to do all the work to see you, and you have all your conversations by text instead of phone, even when things get snippy. That’s a really bad idea.

    Also, you told him you were going to be busy with friends and you might not see each other. Then you got mad at him for not taking the initiative to let you know his days off and make plans.

    On his part, he doesn’t sound super into the relationship. He sounds tired of the wringer you’re putting him through.

    Look, maybe you’re just done, maybe you both want out but you’re clinging to this because he was around when your dad was sick. But maybe the relationship was never that great. 8 months in and it seems to be fizzling. Also, the guy’s a weirdo as we discussed last time with the baby clothes thing and trying to get you to move in.

    On the one hand, it feels like you’re done. On the other hand, yes, you’re being impetuous to break things off because of the latest series of events which is largely on you.

    Bottom line, I don’t think this is working and you’d be better off alone.

    Edited to add: But yes, obviously you should get together and talk about this instead of just texting him that you’re done.

    And PS, I just skimmed over your other thread and you said you’d been together a year and a half. Now you’re saying 8 months, and weren’t you abroad for some of that?

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by avatar Kate.
    #839514 Reply
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    Kate

    It really seems like things moved fast in the beginning with him telling you he loved you, and you leaning on him when your dad was sick. But maybe now that a little time has passed, it’s becoming apparent that this isn’t working. Or that neither of you really have the relationship skills or are willing to put in the effort to make it work.

    The thing is, you’re in your 30s and he’s in his 20s. I give him a little more of a pass for being immature, though he should just call you to tell you to knock it off when you’re hammering on him by text. But YOU, as a 34-y/o woman, should know better than to do that. That whole post was about you testing him, expecting him to jump to it, and then getting mad when he didn’t and continuing a toxic text cycle.

    But having read the other post, I just don’t even think this is worth it. It would be a lot better for you just to end this and keep going with the therapy and becoming emotionally healthy.

    #839515 Reply
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    dogmom

    This is just way too much drama. I would be exhausted if I had to deal with this — it was exhausting just reading it! Break up, take some time to mourn your dad and be single for a while.

    #839519 Reply
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    Grace

    Thanks for your responses.

    I had no idea that I was putting him through the wringer. I felt like my messages were quite calm, telling him that I was simply sad not to know that it was his day off. I then just stopped messaging and gave him space.

    I’m thinking I’m perhaps lacking a bit of self awareness and not understanding what is normal in a relationship.

    It’s very sad to think that he’s not into it anymore. It’s a shame on both of us for wasting so much time. The good times have been really great. I’m so disappointed that I’ve let my insecurities get the better of me again. I’ve tried to leave the ball in his court as to not appear needy. It seems to have gone wrong! It’s not been my intention to exhaust him.

    He’s such a lovely guy and I’ve really enjoyed my time with him. It’s hard to let him go when I feel love for him. I know I need to be healthy and take time to figure out where I’m going wrong.

    I’ll miss him so much

    #839521 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    “I’ve tried to leave the ball in his court as to not appear needy…”

    Is that really true? Or do you think maybe you do it because you want him to do the work or “fight for you” or prove something to you?

    I hope you’re at least going to meet up with him and talk face to face.

    #839522 Reply
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    Selene

    You’ve had a lot on your plate with your abusive past, abusive relationship and your dad passing away. None of that is your fault, but I think at this point it would be best for all parties involved for you to spend some time on your own, seeing a psychologist and dealing with all of that in a way that allows you to build a healthy relationship eventually, as it doesn’t seem possible at this point.

    I agree with Kate, you seem to expect him to do all the work for you. You expect him to call you, him to drive to you (you can’t drive with a headache or take a painkiller?) him to tell you his days off, when you could just do all those things yourself or ask about his days off. I know it’s not fun to do all of that yourself and relationships require reciprocity, but it seems that you’re the one not doing enough. You recognize it yourself that you’ve been quite heavy on him (anyone would have been with what you’ve been through) but when he agrees with that saying that yeah, it’s been heavy, you get mad at him. It seems like everything is a test and he’s failing your impossible standards. No wonder he’s getting a bit distant and lukewarm on you.

    Having your dad die in the middle of the early stages of a relationship (is it eight months or a year and a half?) is a heavy load to carry. Not all relationships survive that, and that’s pretty understandable.

    But all of that doesn’t really matter anyway. You say you feel like it’s not good enough for you, and then it isn’t. Maybe the things you need from a relationship and a partner will be different once you’ve dealt with everything, maybe they won’t be. The bottom line is, it’s not working right now. Meet with him, talk it through and go your own separate ways.

    #839523 Reply
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    Selene

    And yeah, leaving the ball in his court in an attempt to not appear needy doesn’t work if you’re still needy underneath it all. It’s like saying one thing and expecting something else entirely. That’s not how healthy relationships or communication works.

    #839525 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Right, part of being a good partner is telling the other person plainly what you need, while simultaneously communicating with them about their needs. That way you can both work on giving the other what they actually need. None of that is happening here.

    #839526 Reply
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    Grace

    Yes @kate maybe I didn’t realise that I’m constantly looking for validation. I always read that “when a man wants to see you, you know”. So I worry that if I do initiating that I’m making that person so something that they don’t want to.

    He was leaving me a voice note last week saying goodnight and that he loves me lots. The other day he sent me a link to a present that he thought would be nice for my niece. I don’t understand how it all can change so quickly.

    I will meet up with him, I know I have to. I just hope I don’t just sit there and cry because I’m devastated. I miss him already.

    #839527 Reply

    Just reading this is exhausting. It’s kind of amazing he’s stuck with you this long, it’s probably because he’s so young and inexperienced he doesn’t know how messed up this is.

    How can you not see all the tests you’ve put him through just in the text above? He texted you a pic of him and his garden and LITERALLY ASKED YOU TO COME OVER and that upset you? Why is it his job to tell you when he’s free? If you want to know his schedule ASK HIM.

    You seem to want him to call, and he’s mentioned how you don’t call him. Why these double standards? You told him you’d be really busy, and are mad he did nothing more than text you since. Have you done anything but text him since then? You told him you’d be busy. To most of us, that means don’t text me, or don’t expect me to respond.

    You want him to constantly prove he loves you. You say he should be doing everything in his power to save this relationship. No, he really shouldn’t be doing that. He’s probably exhausted from trying to live up to your impossible standards. In a good and healthy relationship you don’t have to constantly jump through hoops to prove your love. The love is assumed. It’s not forced. You need to address these issues of yours to a therapist.

    My response may seem harsh, but I am shocked you are my age and behaving like this in an adult relationship. Your behavior is manipulative whether you realize it or not.

    #839528 Reply
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    cdobbs

    if it was me i would end it….he doesn’t appear to put in any effort and just always has a blah attitude toward you….i would want a man who wants me and makes the effort to see me….not telling you he had the day off and then giving a lame “well you can come over if you want” is just so lame…it takes 2 people to have a relationship with both people putting in equal effort….and no relationship is going to be upbeat all the time….things happen in life all the time (death, loss of job, etc) so you have to accept the good with the bad

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