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Dear Wendy

Gut wrenching choice

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  • This topic has 8 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 months ago by avatarLisforLeslie.
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  • #962441 Reply

    I am torn between pursuing my dream, or moving back home to care for my mom who is dying of cancer. I have already canceled the lease on my apartment and quit my job. But every waking moment i think what if. And i feel like it isn’t right for me. Couple of months ago the doctor said this past summer would in worst case scenario be her last. Now she is back to being stable after treatmentb. (the cancer isn’t growing but it’s still there).

    I took a week off of work to find a job back home and she said, that week i was home was the happiest she had been for a very long time and that i make her happy every day. It is killing me. I am very close to her and i love her very much. How do i make this choice that i will live with for the rest of my life?

    #962442 Reply

    Will taking care of your mother make your dreams dissolve? Can’t you postpone your dream and take care of your mom?

    Which will you regret more? I am not sure what the right choice is for you, but I don’t think you will regret taking care of your mother while she dies.

    You quit your job and canceled your lease. Can you get your lease and job back? Can you pay for caregivers and visit her more often? Come up with alternatives and think about it carefully before you make a rash decision.

    It might be worth see a therapist and discussing this for a couple sessions. They are impartial.

    #962444 Reply

    Your dream is in YOU. It’s not some once-in-a lifetime thing that you will miss if you don’t grab it right this second. It evolves from you, and another opportunity will present itself. Doors don’t close permanently if you stay interested and engaged with your dreams. Some other chance will come. You could even ask about taking THIS opportunity, but deferring your participation for 6-9 months due to a family illness that requires your attention.

    Just hang with your mom for a while. You’ll get many other opportunities. That’s my suggestion anyway.

    #962445 Reply

    I don’t know your situation but could you work near where she lives? Can you restart your career there? Don’t put your life on hold but do consider a fresh start where your mom is part of your life while you get adjusted and set up where she lives. Sometimes we have to adjust our life expectations and goals to focus on what really matters. I moved home after college when my mom got sick for the 2nd time while I was away at school for 5 years. It was the best decision I could have made because family meant more than living in a cool place. Even though I don’t love where I live, I see my family frequently and was nearby as my mom was dying of cancer 3 years ago. I got to see my mom all the time for those 12 years since I graduated college. Obviously if you quit your job and canceled your lease you want to spend time with your mom. You don’t have to be her caregiver and you don’t have to live with her in order to benefit from your decision to be nearby. Find a job, only live with her if it is what you want, and make adjustments along the way to figure out what is best for you and your mental health. Start fresh and don’t put life on hold!

    #962447 Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story with me. I should have put this in at the beginning but my dream is to become a professional MMA fighter. And yes, if i choose to move back home that dream, that goal. My passion, dies. I come from a very small town where there is no gyms. So i moved 6 hours away to pursue it. And i am 25 now so if i wait another year, or however long. It is over.

    Thank you all for your input.

    #962448 Reply

    I did wonder if it might be an age dependant thing, like sport. I wouldn’t presume to know how tight the age parameters are – if one year would be okay given lots of work keeping fit and keeping contacts live on your progress, but more wouldn’t, I’d say allow yourself one year of hard personal training near/with your Mum while looking into ways for you both to live together where you can pursue your dream. And if that is something which would work for her- it depends I suppose on how much support she has where she lives, which she might not wish to move from. It’s rotten that you are having to choose like this and I hope you can manage to make it work with some delay, and possibly later a move for her if that’s possible as it sounds like you care about your Mum a lot and she you.

    #962452 Reply

    The odds of succeeding in MMA seems really low right now. Are they even doing those events presently due to Covid19?

    After the shitshow of my life, I wouldn’t advise anybody to go after their dreams. NEWSFLASH: All that happens is you wake up in a nightmare. One that never ends.

    #962458 Reply

    RTK, I don’t want to crap on anyone’s dream, but that’s a pretty demanding sport, and usually one where people start young. Have you done that kind of competitive fighting before? Do people break in for the first time at 25? Are there tournaments happening with COVID?

    #962465 Reply

    Why don’t you move your mom to be near you? If she’s in a small town and you’re in the USA, then she’s not near the best doctors or hospitals. She could get better care if she lived elsewhere.

    If she’s dying then do that Swedish cleaning thing, move her treasures into storage, get rid of the stuff she doesn’t need and you don’t want to inherit. Sell the house, get a 2 bedroom.

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