Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no.

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  • Miss S
    March 1, 2023 at 10:57 am #1118863

    A guy I sorta knew asked me out and I initially said yes, but after 2 or 3 days I grew uncomfortable with him due to the fact he told me he loved me a day after asking me out and said he sees us together forever. He shared with me how much childhood trauma he holds and how he was kicked out of his home at 16. He has lied to me about how he used to have his own apartment before he was put into foster care, and how he has been arrested for assaulting his previous bosses at his previous jobs (this could be true, but I couldn’t find any court records under his name). I ended it respectfully, by telling him I wasn’t ready due to the fact I’m still in high school and care about getting my diploma, which he doesn’t care about school at all. He sent me voice messages later telling me how depressed he is now and how he was super depressed prior to us “dating” but meeting me stopped his depression. He also said he had suicidal thoughts now, and how it was my choice to break things off with him but it was making him super depressed. I don’t know if he’s actually depressed, but he has garnered a bunch of sympathy from different teachers at our school by refusing to eat and having an outwardly depressed appearance. Both of us met in an autism support group at our school, so I believe he doesn’t understand relationship boundaries; I also believe that we share a different view on relationships and dating. Now, he always sits by my friends and stares at me sadly whenever we’re in the same room together. What should I do? How can I not let him affect me? Sorry for this long essay.

    Miss S
    March 1, 2023 at 10:59 am #1118864

    I let a teacher at my school know about the suicidal statements he made towards me, for those who are worried.

    Avatar photo
    March 1, 2023 at 3:43 pm #1118894

    Oh, wow, I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s really unfair of him to put this burden on you and to blame you for his poor mental health. Please know you 100% did nothing wrong, you were great to listen to your intuition and back out of the date, and you did do respectfully and with compassion. Your moral obligation to this person is over now. Try to avoid him as much as you can. Are you still in the support group together? Is this group facilitated by an adult? If so, would you feel comfortable discussing with that adult what’s going on and asking his best to set boundaries when you share space together at school?

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Avatar photoDear Wendy.
    March 3, 2023 at 10:56 am #1118946

    First, you did the absolute right thing turning down a date with this guy. He isn’t looking for a healthy relationship — he is creating a false ideal of you in which having a relationship with you will solve all his problems. This is pretty common, actually. Crushing on someone and falling in love feels really good. It can be easy to assume it’s “fixing” your depression instead of what it’s really doing — masking it for a while, the same way drugs or gambling would. Once the honeymoon period ended and you showed yourself to be an actual human being with needs and wants of your own, he would get angry with you for failing to fix him and he would turn on you, possibly violently. I’ve seen it time and again. In fact, threatening suicide or implying that another person is responsible for preventing your suicide is considered an abuse tactic. It is not okay for him to put that on you and you are NOT responsible for his mental health. You are still in high school and you are not a trained mental health professional.

    You are correct that he doesn’t have a good sense of boundaries. Please continue to trust your gut, do what you need to stay safe, and let other adults that you trust know what’s going on with this guy.

    March 5, 2023 at 12:50 am #1118966

    He’s using his depression as a weapon to try to manipulate you into a relationship.

    Don’t let him hide behind his autism. He knows what he’s doing.

    Break off contact as much as you are able, and be thankful you never did actually start dating him.

    Don’t feel bad. You’ve done him a favor by teaching a valuable lesson about love-bombing and moving too fast. If you acquiesce to his depression-temper-tantrum, you will just teach him that it’s an effective strategy, and he will continue doing it. The absolute best thing you can do for him is to not date him and not talk to him.

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Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no.

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