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Guy friend confessed his feelings hours after my breakup

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  • #832865 Reply
    avatarBubblegumGirl
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    My best guy friend is getting on my nerves. First of all, he keeps saying stuff like “just looking out for you” “just making sure you’re okay” “I wouldn’t let anything happen to you” and its just annoying. I probably sound like a huge bitch, but I am not comfortable with the way he has been taking to me and acting around me. He’s not an obvious flirter but i can tell by the way he looks at me sometimes and the way he says stuff. I want to tell him to stop because it’s making me so uncomfortable but I don’t know how to even explain it. I have NO romantic feelings for him and he’s acting like I do! First of all, he started acting like this literally HOURS after I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. When I was trying to figure out if I should break up with my (now ex) boyfriend he confessed he had feelings for me. In the middle of that dilemma I was having. He said he “didn’t want his feelings to be a problem” so I responded with “then why would you tell me”

    Yesterday he texted me and I didn’t answer and then 2 hours later he messaged me on Instagram and then I didn’t answer and 2 hours later he messaged me on Facebook.

    This is what I said to him:

    “It’s very clear to me how you feel because of the way you have been acting around me. The way you talk, the way you’ve been acting. It’s making me pretty uncomfortable. You said you didn’t want it to be a problem for me, but then why did you tell me at all? I don’t have romantic feelings for you. I don’t want to be anything other than friends. It seems like you think I feel the opposite. But you have to stop. You have to sort this out. This may sound harsh but you are being pretty dramatic. It is just a crush…I could understand if you were absolutely in love with me and needed to tell me but that just is not the case… You made a decision and whether or not you agree with me, it was selfish. You should have thought about how that would affect me with the shit that’s going on with me, but you didn’t. That’s all I want to say.”

    He basically was being super dramatic saying things like “I feel like I’m at a war with myself and both sides are losing and I had to tell you because I need you to understand why I’m acting differently” that’s why I told him he was being dramatic.

    Again at this point it has only been a day since I broke up with my boyfriend. Am I being a huge bitch?

    #832866 Reply
    avatarFannyBrice
    Guest

    No you’re not. He’s being pushy and rude and not respecting your boundaries. All you owe him is honesty about your feelings and you have done that. Your message to him is extremely clear. If he can accept that, then you may be able to go back to being friends in time. If not, well, you can find better friends than him.

    #832873 Reply
    avatarEle4phant
    Guest

    Ah – you’ve found yourself a niceguy (T).

    From his perspective, he’s put in all this time and effort being a good friend so he could cash in all that good will at the right time to get in your pants.

    You’re not being unreasonable. You just broke up with your boyfriend, you’re not interested him, and he was never being a friend to you in good faith.

    #832888 Reply
    juliecatharineJuliecatharine
    Guest

    Definitely not being a bitch! You told him the truth (that there’s zero chance) and asked him to knock it off. Now sit back and see what he does. Give him space. I don’t think you’re going to be able to consider him a good friend for much longer though so be prepared for that. As Ele4phant said this has ‘nice guy’ written all over it. Focus on yourself and getting over your breakup. Good job setting boundaries and speaking up with this dude.

    #832890 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    You’re not being a bitch at all. However you don’t get to tell him it’s a crush and not love, those are his feelings to deal with. You also gave him a rule with an exception so now he can say it’s love so you have to let me cross boundaries, because you said that’s ok.

    Keep your distance, it sucks losing a friend but it doesn’t sound like he was a real friend, he was just waiting for his shot.

    Otherwise your message was direct and clear and you should be proud about communicating so clearly.

    #832891 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Nope, not a bitch. No one gets to force their feelings on you.

    Consider the friendship ended, because whether it’s a crush or love, there’ll never be any normal interaction between you again. I think @Ele4phant is right, though. It was never really a friendship. He was just being a Nice Guy, thinking you’d owe him a relationship because he was nice to you.

    #832895 Reply

    Yeah you’ve got a NiceGuy (TM) on your hands. He’s hoping for a moment of weakness. He’s just “looking out for you.”

    He could treat you right, blah blah blah.

    Never mind what you feel.

    You’re not going to be friends. Take a long break from this friendship. It will probably need to be permanent. This has happened to me a time or two, and it’s so so disappointing.

    #832912 Reply
    TaraMonsterTaraMonster
    Participant

    Yeah, definitely a Nice Guy (TM). I’ve also had this happen to me. The guy didn’t stop believing I had secret feelings for him until he fell in love with someone else, despite me repeatedly and clearly telling him I didn’t feel the same way. It was exhausting and it made the friendship difficult. If I could do one thing differently, I would just have stopped being his friend entirely after the second time I had to reject him. So that’s what I’d advise you to do now: cut him out of your life. He’s not really being a friend, anyway. He’s just sniffing around and hoping that if he’s present all the time, you’ll eventually change your mind.

    #832914 Reply
    avatarNorthern Star
    Guest

    No, you’re not. I would also recommend you stop hanging out with him.

    #832920 Reply
    bagge72bagge72
    Participant

    You mean to tell me he put all that time in being your “friend” and he doesn’t even get first dibs at being your next boyfriend!

    Honestly after seeing his true intentions why would you want to even be his friend after this?

    #832923 Reply
    LucidityLucidity
    Guest

    You’re right to feel uncomfortable. This person was never really your friend. He’s been pretending, to get in close. If I were you I’d end this “friendship” immediately.

    #832931 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    I do agree with Lisleslie in so much that by trying to dictate that he “just” has a crush on you, his behavior is unacceptable. You give him an out to view his behavior as okay so long as he is “actually” in love with you.

    But, it’s not okay regardless of what his feelings are. I mean, certainly he could tell you his feelings, whatever they are (although common sense would say probably not an hour after someone’s previous relationship ends).

    But his continued pissiness is not okay.

    I mean he obviously thought because he was such a great friend for so long he was next in line to be your boyfriend, and he’s confused and piss, that actually no, you really have just “friendzoned” him the whole time.

    He may not have articulated these thoughts clearly to himself, but his reaction clearly indicates – he’s been into you the whole time, he’s invested in this friendship in order to get in your good graces, he’s confused and upset that you weren’t immediately like “Oh I love you too! All along you’ve been the right guy!”

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