Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › Guy friend confessed his feelings hours after my breakup
- This topic has 98 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 3 months ago by mellanthe.
I did NOT let him pretend to be my friend knowing he had feelings for me. It is NOT my responsibility to make sure he is okay in the friendship. He is an adult, not a child, and responsible for looking after his own wellbeing. And it is so wrong for you to assume I shit talked my boyfriend to him. No, I never shit talked my boyfriend to anyone. I’m an adult, and if I had a problem, I went directly to him. As I have mentioned SEVERAL times before, it wasn’t “right in front of my eyes.” I am so tired of explaining this situation I am not explaining it again… Yes, he did hurt me. Yes, he was selfish. I wrote him a long message to explain to him my situation, because, as I also mentioned before, if I have a problem I am going to deal with it directly.Northern StarGuest
“It is NOT my responsibility to make sure he is okay in the friendship. He is an adult, not a child, and responsible for looking after his own wellbeing.”
Well, so are you, right?
Yet, here you sit, feeling all BETRAYED!!!!!! because he didn’t act how you wanted him to. Apparently, you owe him zip. And he owes you zip in return. Right?BubblegumGirlGuest
sigh. Here we go again. You aren’t listening. I never demanded he look after my feelings, I never demanded he take care of me… AS I MENTIONED BEFORE.
ALL I ASKED… Was for him to act decently around me for a night. I really just wanted to be respected. Why is that such a hard concept to grasp?Northern StarGuest
I guess I can’t quite get over you bulldozing past him confessing his feelings for you (post breakup), and dismissing them as unimportant. Because it was about YOU. Not him. It’s like you don’t care what he thinks or feels, so long as he acts right. That’s kinda sad.anonymousseParticipant
I don’t think she’s out of bounds for being disappointed in the way in which he went about this. She’s 19 for fucks sake.BubblegumGirlGuest
How did I dismiss his feelings for me? When he told me he liked me, he assured me it wouldn’t change our friendship. I assumed he would have the sense to distance himself from me if they would. If he tells me that, I’m going to believe him. I’m not in high school anymore, I’m an adult, and I am not a fan of playing mind games.CurlyQueParticipant
She’s 19/20 which is why she’s over dramatizing this situation and her reaction to him was crazy.
Guy has been putting out signs this whole time that he was interested. She DID complain about her boyfriend to him because she stated she did, and when she did her friend decided that was the time to tell her his feelings. She kept the friendship and then broke up with her bf, he took that as a sign that he had a chance (he was looking at her actions, not her words). He’s since been shut down and he was self-pitying about it, and she went nuclear because instead of focusing on her feelings about her breakup she’s decided to get mad at this guy instead.BubblegumGirlGuest
You really are not listening to what I have been saying… I told him SEVERAL TIMES before I broke up with my boyfriend that I was NOT INTERESTED IN HIM. I never complained about my boyfriend to him, I simply asked for his advice regarding breaking up with him because I have been struggling mentally and am not in the right place to even have a boyfriend. Why on earth would he still think I wanted to be with him?SkyblossomParticipant
@BubblegumGirl You’re young enough that you haven’t run into this before so you didn’t realize that his comments meant he was wanting a romantic relationship and wouldn’t be content with a regular friendship. You assumed that he wouldn’t try to ask you out because you told him multiple times that you weren’t interested.
For the future know that if someone brings up dating more than once they won’t be satisfied with friendship. They are hanging in there hoping for more and waiting for your current romantic relationship to end. The person who has expressed interest in dating you is someone you should never discuss your current relationship with or ask their advice about it or whether it should continue or end. There is no way they can give you unbiased advice. They will want the relationship to end so that they can start a romantic relationship with you.
When your relationship ended it was what he had been waiting for. It was great for him. It didn’t occur to him that the same situation would be a sad time for you and that you would need time before dating anyone and that’s totally skipping the fact that you already told him you didn’t want to date. The two of you were reacting in totally opposite ways to the end of your relationship.
This is a learning experience for you. Don’t ever discuss your relationship with someone who has expressed an interest in dating you. Don’t assume that a person who is interested in dating you will fade away if you say that you don’t see them that way. People with a crush tend to hang around and hang around and hang around. Their favorite thing is to be around you so they won’t usually seek distance. They will hang around hoping that you will end up liking them and that when you are available you will like them too.MaltaKanoGuest
I think CurlyQue is on to something here – this feels overly fraught. You’re dealing with two sucky situations: a romantic breakup and a friend breakup. But it does seem like you’re focusing on the friend issue when what should be getting your attention is healing from the breakup. It’s great you pushed back when your friend got opportunistic and chose a stupid moment to try to get with you. He’s being an idiot. Is this a massive betrayal? Not really. It’s immature, and you’re learning this dude is not going to be a great friend in the way you want him to be. But at 19, I don’t think he’s necessarily sliding into irredeemable NiceGuy (TM) red pill MRA territory. Honestly, a lot of your 20s will be spent learning that friends are human, and thus destined to disappoint us in some way eventually. I’d cool it off with him, focus on getting over your breakup, and revisit whether you still want to be friends with this guy in 6 months or so. Who knows, he might have grown up and moved on and be capable of being a better friend.BubblegumGirlGuest
Thank you @SkyBlossom and @MaltaKano
I feel it is necessary to point out that I never said it was a massive betrayal on his part. I do feel betrayed by him, yes, but I don’t think it is the biggest betrayal of the century as everyone else seems to be making it out to be from my perspective. I’m more mad and disappointed than anything. I shouldn’t have used the word betrayal at all if I had known it would be blown this far out of proportion. I will learn from this and be extra cautious though.Cleopatra_30Participant
@skyblossom @BubblegumGirl I agree with Skyblossom on this, well said. I have been in your shoes where one of my old guy friends was giving me more attention than the others and I figured that he was into me, which was then later confirmed through another friend. I purposely distanced myself and made sure I didn’t give him ‘hope’ so to say to read into my friendship as anything more than that. Unfortunately guys can be rather dense in their understanding of women when it comes to breaching the line between friendship and relationship.