Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › Guy friend confessed his feelings hours after my breakup
- This topic has 98 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 3 months ago by mellanthe.
Guys don’t have to be dense, they have the same observations of social situations that we do. Why is he getting a pass when he was told to his face there was no chance? We need to stop giving men a pass because they’re ‘stupid’ it does both them and us a disservice.MaltaKanoGuest
OP, I’ve been in your shoes, in college. It’s hard and sad! It’s good you gave your friend such direct feedback about exactly how his actions were messed up. Only time will tell if you can be friends again – and that will totally depend on how he processes and grows from this. But it happened in my case, once FEELINGS had cooled down, and it might for you too. Either way, wishing you fulfilling friendships outside of this mess.AleMember
You were not betrayed. Stop the drama. Northern Star said it perfectly, you are an awful friend, you don’t care how he feels and you keep dragging him about this. Just end the frienship and move on. Yes, his timing wasn’t right, he’s really bad at expressing himself, but you need to move on.BittergaymarkGuest
Eh… Not EVERYONE is or WAS an annoying, hilariously self absorbed, whiney drama queen brat at the age of 19. NEWSFLASH: Youth is a fucking pisspoor excuse for simply being a brat.ThemiddlewayGuest
Bittergaymark is one of the few reasons I still lurk this site.
@Bumblegum I’m sorry you are in pain and if you are feeling mentally unwell please seek a therapist if you don’t already see one. Break ups are so painful. I hope you have people to lean on and you are treating yourself kindly.
I agree with Ange that if you clearly communicated disinterest several times then he should have backed off immediately (unfortunately men often dgaf). I think our culture is predicated on exonerating men not listening to women/trans/nonbinary people saying no. This is how we have a rapist president and a whole lot of violence at the hands of cis men. You are 100 percent right he is an adult and he was opportunist in expressing his interest the moment he saw a window (right after a break up, that is SELFISH).
Is he wrong or unethical for simply having feelings for you? No, of course not. You both still have so much life to live and experience. You are both still understanding what your boundaries are through trial and error. This is error but hey you learned something. Give each other space, integrate the lesson and move on. Maybe one day you’ll be friends again but idk if he really sounds worth it. Only you know what is best for yourself.
The bests lesson I learned in my twenties are if I don’t like how someone is treating me I back the hell away and stay away. The other one is listen to your gut, intuition or whatever. You knew he had feelings for you. He was indicating attraction to you and even though you said ‘hey no bueno’ that was unfortunately a half measure. Next time you feel a certain away, pay attention to whatever info you are sensing and act in a way that is congruent with how you really feel. Not what you want or wish would happen. We can’t expect others to act in our own best interest. You got to have your own back.
In relationships people OFTEN don’t make the kindest, least painful decisions for all parties. In the future do what is most kind, least painful for you. And as for men, well there are gonna be alot more opportunities to practice firm boundaries and discernment.
“Bittergaymark is one of the few reasons I still lurk this site.”
@Themiddleway, this line comes across as insulting the entire site.
The creator of this site has made forums open to the comments in the general public. If you haven’t or generally don’t enjoy the content, comments, or advice, feel free to keep that thought to yourself when you participate on it.
Many people do like the space. It is an unnecessary criticism and it undermines the point you were trying to make about violating other people’s boundaries in an opportunistic window.LisforLeslieGuest
Whoa @Keyblade – where is that coming from? Someone gave a compliment to BGM and you take it as an insult to you and the whole site? Are you reading something different than I’m reading?
It came off as a back-handed to me.themiddlewayGuest
It wasn’t backhanded at all. I’ve been following Wendy since she was on the frisky.com. Please don’t project on me and if an online communication is confusing for you seeking clarification is a helpful tool to use.
I genuinely love BGM and his way of giving advice.
I guess I saw a crone instead of a maiden. I interpreted the phrase “one of the few reasons” as emphasizing that there were “few” reasons to “still” lurk. But I may have linked your comment to the emotional temperature of a different thread active at the time. In the future, if I read ambiguity, I’ll seek clarification of tone, first. Sorry for the mistake.anonymousseParticipant
It reads as it was written— as though he’s one of the few reasons you still lurk on this site. That definitely sounds like there aren’t many reasons you still lurk on this site, since you wrote the word “few” in front of reasons.ThemiddlewayGuest
Lol, I find several members of this community pretty eager to escalate into some pretty distasteful forms of judgment and unskillful communication. Thanks for proving my point 🙂