My mom just became a member of some travel organization that offers you points for cruises (to book them for a reduced price) for a monthly fee/investment for the membership. I am totally against it and got really mad when she did it. I think it could be a pyramid scheme, and even though it’s legit cause she knows some people who did that, I still think it’s a waste of money and stupid to get in. And she is a very smart person which makes me even madder. We are from a small country and didn’t really have the chance to travel much before, as well as because of issues with money. Now we’re good, she is a doctor and I study abroad, but being a doctor in my country is still not enough for living a luxurious life. And I only study abroad with my grandma’s help. So just you understand we are a basic family, not earning too little, not earning too much. Just enough. And I think she just wants to have something we were not able to have before and dream a little bit. But when I was a child we had trouble with money and I think I might have trauma because of that cause I am always worried that there will be no money again one day. And whenever we spend too much on something that is a bit more luxurious I get anxious and always have to fight with myself. My mom gets mad and compares me to my grandma who has been saving all her life.

Anyway so that happened and I got really scared and frustrated and mad and so had a fight. I also feel terrible because I might have hurt her cause she always says that she does everything for us but when it’s time for us to support her we don’t do it. This is not true, I wish her all the best. I really want her to travel and see the world, this is my dream, and if I’d only started earning money already I would give it all to make my parents extra happy. But unfortunately, I’m still just a student. So it felt like I’m telling her she can’t use her own money and can’t travel like that after she’s been working her ass off like crazy. It’s just that I am really worried that this is not a good idea and I don’t want her to regret things.

But the other reason is that she made a membership for me separately as well. This is double the cost and I really really don’t want this membership. Even if I accept the idea, we would still be able to travel with her membership. We don’t need the other one. I will not travel on a cruise with my friends, this is too much for me. And especially for her money. I already feel bad for them giving me so much as I decided to study abroad. And with this membership, she put such a burden and responsibility on me. How should I feel if she’s paying this for me when we literally do not need it and wasting money like this just because she wanted to make me happy and surprise me? I always feel like I don’t deserve this or I should do more. My consciousness doesn’t allow me to accept such big things. It’s one thing if we travel as a family, but as I said we could do that only with her membership. We don’t need these extra costs. I have no idea how she imagines this to work for me. But I feel very frustrated and burdened and can’t stop thinking about it. I am sure it’s a waste of money, and I also feel like she kind of just put this on my shoulders and I really don’t want to carry the weight of this feeling. I’ve been crying the whole day too (Yeah I know I’m too sensitive). The final question is I have the option to cancel this and should I do that? And I even told her that I might decide to cancel my own membership because it’s in my name and I am not a kid anymore and I have the right to make this decision. She said I should forget about it and that it’s not my business cause she’s paying for it and whether it works or not it’s all on her. But I can’t stop feeling bad about it and thinking that it could save us at least something if I can’t convince her that the idea is bad overall. At least we wouldn’t have to risk it 2 times. And it would definitely be her own business with her own account. But I also feel like she doesn’t expect me to actually cancel this and that she might get extremely mad about it. She might feel betrayed too. So should I just try to step over me and forget about it or should I cancel this whole mess???

*Side note in case this message made it seem different; My mom loves me very very much and is the nicest person you’ll ever meet. She, unfortunately, always puts me first, and not just me but also my dad and my grandma, which makes her lose it sometimes, and feel like we don’t do it for her. And I feel so bad for her and for this whole situation. I hate myself for this and I just want the world to stop for a while.
Sorry for such a long message and thank you so much in advance for any opinions and advice.