This topic contains 14 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Northern Star 3 weeks, 5 days ago.
February 21, 2019 at 11:17 pm #833303
I don’t know really anything anymore, I am so confused by my let’s say significant other. We have been ‘together’ for about a 1/2 a month, and when I say ‘together’ I mean that neither of us has the time for a serious relationship and we just want the physical stuff. We were together on a school trip and there was a free room, and well we lost our virginity together. That night was really a great night, but now, about a week later things are getting weird. Most of our conversations are by Snapchat, and we have streaks. However, for the past two days I have been sending him snaps and he’s just opening them and not sending any. I really don’t know if I am just being crazy and overreacting, but to me having sex for the first time is a big deal and him not responding makes me feel like a toy. If any of you have advice on what to do as far as understanding why he might not be responding that would be much appreciated. ThanksFebruary 21, 2019 at 11:42 pm #833304
I think the first thing you need to sort out is what you want from this guy. You say you don’t want a serious relationship, yet you say that having sex for the first time is a big deal. You “just want the physical stuff,” yet you call him a significant other. So which is it? Did you want no-strings sex, or did you want him to be your boyfriend? You can’t have it both ways.
All of that seems to be a bit of a moot point, though, because it sounds like he’s done. He’s not responding because he doesn’t want to talk to you. He might turn up again the next time he wants some casual sex.February 22, 2019 at 7:25 am #833323
Agree. A lot of people put a lot of weight in losing their virginity but it isn’t something that means as much as they think. You knew him or hung out or whatever for 2 weeks. Sex didn’t turn that into a relationship. If you wanted more you should have expressed that, not in two weeks, later and held off on having sex. You say you wanted casual but clearly you did want more.
I’d you both said it was casual and you didn’t say you wanted more then none of this should be a problem. It sounds like you likely weren’t really ready for the emotional attachment you believe was to come with the sex. Plenty of people can have no strings sex. Plenty of people cannot. Most can’t handle it for their first time. Just the reality.
If you want to know what is going on stop with the childish Snapchat crap and talk to him.February 22, 2019 at 7:33 am #833326
Did you use a condom? If not, go to a clinic and get tested. Essie is right. Your post reads like you wanted him as a SO and wanted losing your virginity to be a big deal and that you weren’t really just interested in physical stuff. But you pretended otherwise…because? You wanted to be the cool girl? Just like him? No drama? Sorry. That’s a recipe for failure. If you want a boyfriend and he doesn’t want a girlfriend then that doesn’t mean you change what you want. It means you find a boy that wants what you want. Otherwise you end up feeling used. Because this isn’t what you really wanted.
As for him not responding…he’s done. He said he just wanted physical. He got it. You didn’t have a significant friendship before sex. It was 2 weeks. Going forward, be clear about what you want. Make sure a guy’s words and actions match. Some guys act like boyfriends but tell you they don’t want to be one. Some say they do but act like jackasses. If you want a boyfriend find one that says so and acts so. If this guy comes back for easy sex tell him no. Turns out you aren’t down for that. I’m sorry this didn’t go the way you secretly hoped but grown women have difficulty with these lessons and it’s better you learn them now rather than later.February 22, 2019 at 10:42 am #833344
It’s a bummer that your expectations about your first time aren’t going to be met. But I don’t think you can call this boy your significant other—he’s a friend (kinda). He may not have been a virgin. You don’t know him very well. If you want sex to mean something, don’t tell a boy that sex is all you want from him, and don’t have sex with him at the earliest opportunity.
And agreed that if you haven’t already, make a doctor’s appointment to protect yourself from pregnancy and disease.February 22, 2019 at 11:07 am #833349
You were confused about what you wanted with this guy BEFORE you had sex. having sex isn’t going to add clarity to a non-relationship which lacks clarity. I am probably a complete fossil in this regard, but I don’t think you can create a sense of intimacy and couplehood via Snapchat or other social media. Why did you go from having sex with this guy to such impersonal contact? Doesn’t that in itself send a message? He’s not your SO. If you want him to be you should be interacting in person.February 22, 2019 at 11:20 am #833351
why are you snap chatting? why don’t you just send a texts or call the guy? get some answer to whatever question/s you have about where you both stand. If its no strings attached sex? that what it will be, he owes you nothing and you owe him nothing. If he contacts you again it will most likely be to get into your pants, after all it wasn’t such a big deal to lose you virginity to someone that you chilled with for 2 weeks, so it should be a big deal to let him have some more dipping’s into your vaggy vag…February 22, 2019 at 2:54 pm #833390
I think he’s probably thinking you want at least slightly something more, because I think you do. That’s the feeling I get. You aren’t a toy, you both mutually agreed this was casual. I think you believe losing your virginity with him meant something significant, even though you expressed it was only physical. That’s okay. Own you feelings. But don’t be angry at him for sticking to what you agreed to.
If you can do this, I think you’ve reached out too much and you should back off. Not that there’s something inherently wrong with contacting the person you are into, but he’s backed off. Follow suit. I think part of the thrill of romance is not always being available or reaching out. A little mystery is good.
Take care of yourself right now. Treat yourself.February 22, 2019 at 3:43 pm #833394
You’ve been talking for two weeks?? Hate to say it but you gave in too soon and typically when that happens, most guys don’t take you too seriously, young or old.
Also when it comes to losing your virginity, I don’t think guys take it as seriously as girls may. And when you want things to be “casual” you can’t expect a guy to respond/react the way you have hoped because there are generally no expectations.
I do understand why you are upset but for future reference, I recommend to make sure you trust the guy before taking it to the next level.February 22, 2019 at 3:50 pm #833395
I don’t think “giving in too soon” is a thing if both people are on the same page. This guy isn’t very interested, is the issue. He would have bailed anyway.
The problem here is she takes loss of virginity really seriously, yet decided to do that with a guy who showed no sign whatsoever of being serious.February 22, 2019 at 4:27 pm #833400
What @kate said. I don’t like the idea of telling women that they had sex too soon and that’s why someone doesn’t want to date them. That’s simply not true. Maybe in a some cases. But not all. And definitely not a blanket statement that should be made. I know many, many successful relationships that started as a one night stand.
I really like @anonymousse’s advice to this LW.
LW, if you place a lot of value on sex and what it means, I’d consider waiting until you’re in a relationship with someone. Not because you did anything wrong, it’s just that you had different expectations.February 22, 2019 at 4:32 pm #833404
I think girls in junior high or high school on school trips have no business having “purely physical” relationships—or one-night stands, for that matter. It’s completely inappropriate.