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Had sex on third date – now what? How to bring up exclusivity?

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This topic contains 55 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar _s_ 2 weeks ago.

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  • #840095 Reply
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    elle

    Hi, i had a really great time with this guy that i am very attracted to. He is smart, ambitious, and we clicked very well –

    First time just started kind of as a hookup. We went out for drinks, came back to his place, played some instruments and ended up naked. But whenever we tried to put condoms on, he would get soft. People told me its just nerves. So we just cuddled and talked and he gave me heads and i reciprocated.

    He said when its his first time with the girl then it happens, but when he gets used to the girl it doesnt happen.

    I thought it would just stop there as a hookup, but he asked me out for the weekend and we went on a hike, didnt go to his place, had a late lunch and hung out few hours. He was holding hands in public and stuff walking around the city.

    And for hour third date, we checked out a park and went for dinner, and then came back to his place and had wine, and sex happened. Before having sex, i asked him if he was clean and also told him he should tell me if he ever sleeps with someone else because im scared of STDs, and he nodded.

    After sex we cuddled and somehow talked some random stuffs – that he was looking for a relationship. He said he didnt have time at all to date people in the past years, saying he met few girls and saw them maybe few months in the past but never became in a relationship because he was really busy with his work. But now he has time and he is looking for a relationship (and he said this after sex, not before, so sounded more sincere since he’s not buttering me up to have sex with me anymore?) Also, he only had one real relationship which lasted about 6 months, that they broke up 2 months ago as she moved to another state that physical intimate was important to him.

    Anyway, we also slightly talked about us – that he said we are’ having fun,’ but he would like to get to know me more. Also when i asked him if he would like me being on birth control (as in if we are keep seeing each other) he said he would like if im okay, so it seems like he would like to keep seeing me.

    So I am just a bit confused and im new to dating. For me, good signs are: He said he was looking for a relationship now that he has time to date, which is good because i like him. Also we agreed being on birth control which means we would keep seeing each other. BUT, to me some bad signs are: he said we having fun right now but he would like to get to know me more. Also when i told him let me know if he sleeps with someone else, he said he would, (instead of saying he wont sleep with others, which i think is a bad sign)
    I know being exclusive is too soon, but how does exclusivity happen then? Normally, in this case, does it end up being a fwb or if we keep hanging out and seeing how things go we naturally become exclusive? Should i wait few more dates to see if he brings the exclusivity up?

    #840100 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    First, you don’t ask if a guy would like you to be on birth control. Just BE on birth control if you’re going to have sex with guys. And use condoms too. This isn’t about his preferences, it’s about your safety and autonomy. Also, his answer to that question has literally nothing to do with being exclusive or not.

    I think you’re reading the situation correctly in that it’s too soon to be exclusive, he’s not there yet, but he likes you and wants to get to know you better.

    I would say, get on birth control and keep dating the guy. The time for a conversation about exclusivity isn’t now. Maybe it’s 2-3 months from now if things keep progressing. Meanwhile you need to be okay with just dating him. Slow down and relax.

    #840101 Reply
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    Logan

    should tell him not to sleep with other people and see where things go with both of you, you just asking for an STD by saying let me know if you sleeping with other people.

    #840102 Reply
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    elle

    Some people say if you are already intimate and already had sex then few more dates wont even change anything and its never soon after sex to bring up exclusivity. Any thoughts?

    #840103 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    So you had unprotected sex with a man you just met? You should go get tested for STDs. That’s incredibly irresponsible. Use condoms! Every time. If he doesn’t want to use a condom, you shouldn’t have sex with him.

    I don’t know, to me he’s probably not looking for anything serious. He’s never had a relationship last longer than six months. If you like him, keep seeing him but I’d be cautious and trust your gut. And use condoms!!

    #840104 Reply
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    elle

    @logan @kate
    Do you guys think i should just text him now that if we ever want to sleep again then i would like to be exclusive? and if he doesnt agree just dont see him?

    #840106 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    It’s too soon. You don’t know him. You literally just met. Get to know him for awhile.

    #840107 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    NO, you shouldn’t do that.

    But also, if you don’t want sex without exclusivity, just don’t have bareback sex with guys you’re not exclusive with.

    #840108 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Yeah, I think you should probably date a guy longer, be exclusive and then have sex. And use condoms!

    #840115 Reply

    You say you’re scared of STD, and asked him about them before having (PIV) sex, but you’d already had oral sex two dates prior.

    1) Asking “you’re clean, right?” to a guy you barely know/trust isn’t the most reliable indicator, especially right before sex when he thinks his answer may impact the immediate future.

    2) Many STDs can be passed via oral sex (which you had before even asking)
    https://www.cdc.gov/std/healthcomm/stdfact-stdriskandoralsex.htm

    #840116 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I don’t think that you should phrase it like an ultimatum but you think that you are entitled to tell him that you aren’t comfortable having sex again until you are exclusive and just date normally until you reach that point (or break up). Alternatively you should keep having sex with him if you want to have sex with him. But it’s not a good idea to use the threat of sex to try pressure someone into early exclusivity.

    #840117 Reply
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    Fyodor

    That should be “but *I* think that you are entitled to tell him…”

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