Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Have I been abused?

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  • #848589 Reply

    Hello, for the last few hours I have been unable to sleep and I can’t get some things off my mind. A lot of stuff has happened in the past few years between me and my partner, and now I’m thinking about them, I am concerned that a lot of it may have been abusive, so I thought maybe if I wrote some of it here, maybe someone could give me an outside opinion..
    so some of the stuff that has happened:
    Pinched me during an argument whilst I was holding Our son
    Screamed in my face until I begged him to stop
    Knocked me into a wall whilst holding our son
    Would go through my phone every night whilst I slept
    Kicked me out whilst I was 7 months pregnant because I told him I had a surprise for him after an argument (it was a Father’s Day card) – ended up in hospital
    Put a tracking app on my phone
    Accused me every day for a year of cheating on him until I would cry
    Made me send him pictures to prove where I was whenever I went out anywhere
    Calls me a shit mum, fat, disgusting
    Brings up bad things from my childhood that I told him in confidence during arguments
    When I locked myself in the bathroom and sat behind the door to stop him getting in, he kicked the door through because he thought I was on the phone with a man
    Gets next to Our sons face and shouts at him loud
    Uses me having a breakdown and having to leave school early without sitting exams during arguments to make me feel stupid
    Uses me struggling to cope after first having Our son during arguments
    Gets in my face to make me feel scared during arguments
    Told me if I didn’t have sex with him he’d have to go out and do something because he couldn’t cope

    #848590 Reply

    YES! That’s all very extremely abusive. I hope you aren’t with this abusive asshole anymore. If you are, you need to leave ASAP. Plan a safe time to leave and do it. Ask family or friends for help. If not for your own safety, do this for your son. If he grows up seeing this type of abuse, and experiencing it, he’s going to grow up thinking this is normal behavior, and he’ll probably turn out to be violent as well. Please get out of there, now. Look for a therapist, domestic violence tip line for your country, social services etc.

    You don’t deserve this. Life can be so much better if you get out now.

    Good luck to you.

    #848591 Reply

    Yes, that’s physical and emotional abuse, no question.

    You should call an organization that provides support to abused women. My aunt did that when she was briefly married to an abusive guy. I’m not even sure it was to the point of being physical, but it was definitely following a classic pattern. They helped her with a strategy to get out. I know her brother came and helped her get all her stuff out and get away while her husband wasn’t home. Sorry i don’t know more, but she told me this recently. You need to find a local organization like that and call them tomorrow. Let us know.

    And PS my aunt is fine now, she’s a strong woman and business owner, and she gives back to the community in many ways. She helped abused women after that experience. Please, you owe it to yourself and your child.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by avatarKate.
    #848593 Reply

    Go to the library maybe, and use the computer there to look up information if your husband goes through your phone.

    #848595 Reply
    #848600 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    Yes, that is abuse. Are are 17 safety tips for surviving and escaping domestic violence:

    Please, please, get yourself away from this abuser and into a safe spot.

    #848664 Reply

    The number for the UK’s national domestic violence hotline is 0808 2000 247. Paladin is a UK based organization that helps victims of stalking and the contact page on their website has several great links for domestic violence resources. may be another organization that can help you. Please contact one these organizations, they will help you get a plan together to leave safely, help you find a place to go, and help protect you. Yes, you are absolutely experiencing physical and emotional abuse. It is not your fault. Please get out safely as quickly as you possibly can. He will get worse, not better.

    #848679 Reply

    Yes. Just so we’re clear, not “yes, that’s kind of abusive”, not “Yes, that’s a sign of an abuser”. Every single one of those things qualifies as abuse ON ITS OWN. In combination, your partner is a freaking monster. Please heed the advice of everyone here. We’ll be thinking of you.

    #848681 Reply

    Yes. Just about everything on your list is definite abuse.

    Now that we’ve established that, two thoughts.

    Even if we’d said, “no, that’s not abuse,” would it matter? He’s viciously mean to you and your child. He very obviously doesn’t love you or your child. Why would you even consider staying in such a terrible relationship with someone who hates you? There’s nothing good here. What you call it doesn’t matter in the end. It’s bad. It makes you miserable. So you leave.

    But most importantly: your son is not safe in that home. Whether you love this idiot or not, whether you want to leave or not, you have a duty as your son’s mother to keep him safe. Not only could your partner have injured or killed your son while he was abusing you, but the emotional toll this situation is taking on your child will affect the rest of his life. I have a friend who was emotionally and physically abused as a child, and she still suffers from the emotional aftereffects of it 60 years later.

    You *must* remove that child from the home. You must leave. It’s your moral and legal duty as his mother.

    Please take the advice of everyone here and find a safe way to leave this man. Right away.

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