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Have I made a mistake or am I overreacting?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Have I made a mistake or am I overreacting?

This topic contains 64 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 2 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 65 total)
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  • #836143 Reply
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    H

    I am thinking of volunteering as a dog walker for our local RSPCA charity on a weekend, maybe that might Be a good compromise?
    I do love my boyfriend and I don’t necessarily think it would be a deal breaker, I’m just disappointed and I’ve always pictured my future with a dog.
    I guess we will have to talk more about it! I appreciate the advice from everyone

    #836145 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Well, I mean, there IS no use arguing with him. I do think you’re overreacting in the sense that you’re getting angry at him for not being willing to be persuaded to change his mind. It’s a very bad sign for the relationship that your initial reaction is to be mad that you can’t just pester him into changing his mind AND that you’re already starting to resent him over it. He has the right to not want a dog and not be willing to change his mind as much as you have the right to want a dog and not be willing to change your mind. Getting angry at him over this is uncalled for. He’s not being malicious in this. Chalk this up to you making a mistake in moving in with someone without doing your homework.

    You have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you and the act accordingly. Don’t draw it out. Don’t convince yourself it’s not a dealbreaker and then sulk for months. If you truly wouldn’t have moved in with him had you known, then move on. In the future, don’t move in with someone without actually talking to them about your future. (If you didn’t know he didn’t want dogs, then I’m assuming you two haven’t talked about other things like kids or finances or whatever.)

    #836146 Reply
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    PDX816

    definitely talk to him more, it might need to be an idea he needs to think on. Also maybe look into fostering and see if he would be ok with a dog temporarily. I can understand the disappointment, I would definitely feel the same. But it would be a deal breaker for me, so it’s good to know where your boundaries are.

    #836148 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I’m guessing it is a deal breaker and better to learn that sooner rather than later. She could try living with him without a dog and see if she is happy or she could look into breaking this off as soon as possible.

    Dogs are time consuming. They need to be walked multiple times per day. They may need someone to get up and take them out during the night. Then you get into things like if she wants the dog to be curled up on the couch with them while watching TV and he wants to be curled up with her without the dog. Or she walks all of the time with the dog and he doesn’t like the dog so they end up never going on a walk together.

    About once a month the women that I work with go out to dinner together. Many of my coworkers need to run home to let their dogs out before meeting for dinner. Those who live close enough to do that get to go to dinner. Those who live further away don’t join the group for dinner. Things like fitting your social life around walking a dog affect a relationship negatively if only one of you loves and wants the dog.

    If you both love the dog you will enjoy walking the dog together. If you both love the dog you probably won’t mind having it on your laps while you are sitting on the couch. If you both love the dog you probably won’t be angry if it peed on the floor. If you both love the dog you can take turns getting up to let it out in the night. If you both love the dog you won’t mind scheduling your social life around walking the dog.

    If you didn’t want the dog and your partner is getting home from work late or they are sick do you need to walk the dog for them? If you didn’t want the dog and your partner goes out of town for the weekend do you need to take care of the dog? If you didn’t want the dog should you be able to expect your partner to clean up dog fur daily so that you don’t have dog hair on your clothes or can you expect your partner to roller your clothes for you every day? If you have a backyard and the one of you who loves the dog wants the backyard to be fenced so that the dog can be easily let out do you need to spend money on a fence when maybe the other partner has a much different priority? If they don’t both want a dog there will be constant conflict from having a dog.

    #836150 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, even if he’d give in and agree to it, I think you’d be hating life if you had a dog and your boyfriend wasn’t really into it or willing to share the work. Dogs are a huge commitment when you (not your parents) are responsible for them. I have loved my dogs, but God they’re a lot of work and money, and a limitation on your freedom.

    #836153 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Yeah. And I can almost guarantee that if you got a dog and it chewed up his shoe or peed on the floor, or did anything that inconvenienced him, he would be 10x more upset than a normal person would. I imagine your life would be walking on eggshells, hoping the dog doesn’t act like a dog and piss him off.

    I also have to say that the fostering idea doesn’t really work in this situation. Maybe for someone who is unsure, but if someone says they never want to have a dog, saying, “OK, do you want to foster one?” (which presumably means a dog that needs extra training and attention and may have behavioral or health issues) would sound kind of bonkers.

    #836155 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Agree that fostering isn’t a stellar idea. Really, the only difference with fostering and owning a dog is permanence.

    You could try the dog walking thing out and see how you are without having a dog around the house. Unfortunately, if you decide you’re a dog person, you’re likely in the wrong relationship.

    #836156 Reply

    Prognosticator, you know what he meant. Arguing about the proper way he should have phrased that does nothing to help H.

    #836157 Reply

    H you may want to talk about other potential dealbreakers or big topics if you haven’t. Like money, kids, etc. Wendy has a list on this site somewhere.

    #836158 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Huh. I actually find it strange that it never came up. I’m a huge animal person and it’s obvious. I’ve volunteered at different shelters and rescues in varying capacities for years. I fostered dogs and cats before I had a dog of my own. I point out cats lounging in windows. I say hi to dogs being walked. Maybe walking dogs at the shelter would be enough for you, and if it is — great! If, when I was actively dating, I met a guy who wasn’t nice to or affectionate with my dog, I don’t think I would have dated him. A guy who was flat out against pets wouldn’t be the guy for me.

    #836159 Reply

    It is strange that this never came up.

    #836160 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    I’m surprised it didn’t come up during the house hunting and buying process. Like, yard for a dog, park nearby, that kind of thing.

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