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Dear Wendy

Have I made a mistake or am I overreacting?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Have I made a mistake or am I overreacting?

This topic contains 64 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 1 week, 2 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 65 total)
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  • #836162 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I’m surprised too. I don’t think you could go four years and never mention whether you want a pet or what pet you might want.

    I also wouldn’t push the boyfriend for specific reasons why he doesn’t want a dog. It might be that he hates the way her family keeps their dog but doesn’t want to upset her. If they have a dog that pees all over the house he might not want to say your parent’s house stinks and I don’t feel like I can ever take off my shoes because it is so disgusting. Or they have fur all over the house and he finds it repulsive but doesn’t want to tell her that because she would be insulted. He might find it repulsive that she has the dog licking her face, including her mouth and then wants him to kiss. Not everyone likes dog kisses. It could be a reason that is very relevant to him but that she would find upsetting.

    #836163 Reply
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    H

    Obviously things like having kids and finances were discussed, he already has a kid and we agreed many times that we both want kids together.
    I maybe was wrong to assume that he would be up for getting a dog as he knows I’m passionate about them, but I shouldnt have just assumed that. I guess we will see how we get on and maybe come to an agreement.

    #836164 Reply
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    H

    It sounds ridiculous now that I’m reading it back that we’ve been together 4 years and this topic was never discussed in detail.
    You are all assuming that we haven’t spoken about important things like marriage, kids, finances etc but I can assure you we have!
    Maybe I was being selfish in just assuming that we would definitely get a dog, I know he doesn’t love dogs but he’s said many times he likes dogs so that to me means green light!

    #836165 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Saying he likes dogs is weirdly inconsistent with there are no pros to dogs at all. Like, if he likes them, wouldn’t he perhaps be able to warm up to one, if it made you happy? I don’t know… I don’t want kids, so I can somewhat relate, but at the end of the day a dog isn’t the same as a kid.

    I don’t really like cats, but if my partner felt like he needed one to be happy, I could go with it. He would need to keep the litter box clean and pick up puke, but we could work it out.

    #836167 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I don’t think it makes you selfish to assume, just not good enough at communication. Liking dogs but not loving them could definitely mean you think they are fine at someone else’s house but don’t want one at home.

    When I talk with my coworkers and they tell about taking their dogs out in the snow I am always glad I don’t have a dog. When they talk about what a hassle it is to clean mud off their dog’s feet when they’ve gone out on a muddy day, and probably over half our days are muddy and the dog needs to go out numerous times per day, I’m glad I don’t have a dog.

    It’s easy to see someone love their dog and think that’s nice for them but to not want a dog in your own home. I don’t personally love dogs enough to take on the day in and day out hassle of dog ownership.

    #836168 Reply
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    H

    Yeah I can see what you are saying, we or I definitely should have communicated better about this.
    I do agree it is a lot of responsibility owning a dog but I do know 100% that having one would make me happy and I would and could commit to one, but like you say he’s got just as much of a right to not want one. He might see how much it means to me in the future and warm to the idea. Who knows!

    #836169 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You can hope that he warms to the idea but I wouldn’t expect it. Take him or leave him as he is and he is someone who doesn’t want a dog. Assume that he won’t change and then be pleasantly pleased if he does. It is also something that you shouldn’t repeatedly bring up because that is badgering.

    #836170 Reply
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    H

    Noted, thanks

    #836172 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    It’s not “obvious.” Plenty of people don’t talk about those things, and it’s not far-fetched to think you may not have since you have other things you didn’t talk about. It’s not a huge deal. I was just mentioning it. It wasn’t me making some sort of judgment on your character.

    Anyway, I don’t think a person would necessarily assume that one would want a dog just because you like them a lot. I love cats. I follow like 12 cats on instagram, catsit for all my friends, etc., but I don’t know that I want a cat of my own. I also have friends who love dogs, but have no plans to get one in the foreseeable future. Not trying to pile on, just trying to give some context how someone might not assume that.

    #836173 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    Ya I don’t think you were wrong not discussing it, just an oversight. You focused on the important stuff and you assumed and it slipped through. I’d kind of assume. Husband and I discussed it because we talked about the dogs we’d like to get when we had space for bigger dogs but I wouldn’t have thought to ask because he already had a dog. I’d have been damn surprised if he said “even though I have a dog I never want another” and probably wouldn’t have thought to ask. Now we know it’s on the list next to kids but it wouldn’t be my first thought to ask.

    #836174 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    I love pets, grew up with pets and have had cats and dogs at various times in my life but now that I have children I don’t want to have a pet for a long time, if ever, again. I think I’ve hit my limit of cleaning up shit. We have plenty of friends and family with many dogs and the occasional cat.

    #836176 Reply
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    JD
    Member

    Haha I’m laughing for some reason at limit if cleaning up shit. Makes sense. Baby shit, dog shit, ughh.

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