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Dear Wendy

Have I made a mistake or am I overreacting?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Have I made a mistake or am I overreacting?

This topic contains 64 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 1 week ago.

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  • #836250 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    They need a legal agreement stating what happens if they split up, what happens if one dies and what happens if one is disabled and unable to work. They should each have enough life insurance to pay off the mortgage but if you died would you want your partner to have the money or your parents to have the money? Or do you get life insurance and designate that it pays off the mortgage but that the house is then sold and your heirs get your share. Even harder is if one person is seriously disabled and will never work and will never have a regular income, maybe some disability payment. What if they end up with a legal guardian? Can their guardian demand the sale of the home to help cover their expenses? If they are in a wreck and left severely brain damaged or left a quadriplegic what happens? It becomes complicated when your most expensive purchase is shared with someone who isn’t your heir but you have no business contract legally covering what happens in case of various circumstances like you would if you were business partners. They need to consider owning a home together as becoming legal partners, similar to business partners and drawing up the legal documents to cover potential problems. I’d at least seriously consider what you would want to happen if they died and suddenly you owned the house with their mom and dad. Would that be a nightmare? Would they want to sell? Would they want to move in? Would they make a mortgage payment on time? Would they leave you paying the mortgage by yourself and then take half the equity? Definitely, get life insurance.

    #836251 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    @H One thing I think you can learn from this is to ask a question when you are at the point of making an assumption. It’s a learned skill and you are developing those skills as you go. You’ve learned this one a bit the hard way. When you hear them saying something and find yourself making an assumption ask a question right then and there.

    Him: I like dogs.

    You: (Assumption in your mind) Yay! We’ll get a dog!
    You: (Asking question when you realize you are assuming) Do you want to get a dog someday?

    Him: No.

    #836758 Reply
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    CET

    My husband didn’t grow up with dogs and is just not an animal person. I am a huge animal lover and when we were dating I basically told him I WILL be getting a dog at some point. You have to tell him how you feel…that having a dog in your life is extremely important to you and a part of who you are and at some point you will be getting a dog. Say you know he isn’t interested but you hope he can understand how important it is to you. Perhaps you can talk to him some time about what dog breeds he hates and likes so you don’t get a kind of dog he really dislikes. Or what traits he specifically dislikes. I wish you lots of luck! (Do expect to do all of the dog care for the most part.) PS- My 17 year old best dog just recently passed away.She was like my 3rd child and I already am thinking of what my next dog will be. Maybe I will rescue a greyhound.

    #836955 Reply
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    csp

    LW- I am late to this party. However, I don’t think “never having a dog” is part of this conversation. I am a person who loves dogs and do not have one. I work full time and the money have kept me from having a dog. My husband brings it up every once and awhile but I always go back to the money and lack of time.

    But here is the thing. Life is long. You are 1 year into a 30 year mortgage. right now might not be the time but this conversation will change and evolve with marriage and kids and careers.

    #836996 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I would not advise you to announce that you will get a dog. If the dog/no dog situation is a deal breaker let it be a deal breaker. It is valid to want a dog and valid to not want a dog. To announce what you will do when the something you will do has a direct effect on your partner sets a terrible precedent in your relationship. It says that you don’t care what your partner thinks or how they feel about it, that what you want overrides them. If you treat them that way they will feel entitled to treat you the same way. You are saying that if you announce what you will do your partner is irrelevant in your decision making. It would be one thing if you were each going to live in your own homes while married. Then you could do what you liked in your home. If you are going to share a home it needs to be a home that you both like living in and want to be in. If your partner does not like living with a dog they will not like living in your home with a dog. I can tell you that there is no breed of dog that I would like to live with. None. I don’t like being licked by dogs. I don’t like their fur sticking to things. I don’t like dog odor. I would not want to be stuck walking the dog. I especially wouldn’t want to clean up after the dog when it pooped. I wouldn’t want my child playing in a yard where a dog routinely pooped and peed. If my husband had ever announced to me that he was getting a dog I’d tell him fine but it wasn’t living in our house. He would have to find somewhere else to keep it. If you give an ultimatum so can he. That is no way to act in a for life relationship. The idea that for the most part you will do the dog care means that even before the dog enters your home you have decided that sometimes your partner will have to do dog care. You don’t do that to someone you respect.

    It’s also not fair to the dog to dump their care on an unwilling partner. Some of my coworkers were talking over the weekend about their husband’s taking terrible care of their pets while they were away. One woman said that if she is gone for even a single night she has learned to leave double the water because every time she came home the dog’s dish was dry. Another said that when she went out of state to visit her dad, who had cancer, her husband asked on the fourth day where the hamster food was kept. That’s the kind of thing that happens when you dump the care of an animal on a person who didn’t want the animal in the first place. It’s passive/aggressive and the animal suffers.

    If it is a deal breaker let it be a deal breaker but don’t dump something on your partner that you know they absolutely don’t want. Dogs and guns would be deal breakers for me. I know lots of people who have both and that’s fine for them.

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