Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Having some trouble accepting compliments ig

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  • #1031299 Reply
    avatarReese
    Guest

    I have some facial hair and I can’t get rid of it currently..like not much but a little compared to females…my bf often like caresses my face and stuff and he started like touching it, while like in thought ig. Like people have said stuff about it so it kinda felt bad. But I brushed it off, he realised later and he also said that he was admiring me and got carried away and that I am extremely beautiful. I have also learned that making fun of oneself is good and couples make fun of each other too so it’s funny hehe.
    Later my bf and I were talking about something and I said something stupid.
    He said I’m not stupid but I must not know world history and I’m like I do know world history..he just said “yea”…i was like what? I told him that what I said was not cause I didn’t know stuff, but I had a stupid logic that I later corrected.
    Then he said that he generally thinks of me as very intelligent, so when I ask stuff like that he’d expect, (fictional names) David, Braxton, Emma and Jessy to say that but not me.
    So I asked if I am usually smarter than them?
    And he said that is like asking if the sun rises in the east.
    And that I must be blind not to see the intellectual difference.
    And that he always says that I’m more talented than him and if I am competing with girls like Emma and Jessy then his words must really fall short.
    And if I consider them my competition, then I should give up any efforts I am making towards improvement.
    The whole thing made me feel weird, like kinda unbelievable, I wondered if they were just trynna make me happy.. Compliments, especially by them make me feel a bit overly conscious about my qualities, like what if I lose those wualities etc. Ig I am overly insecure. I obsess too much with my bf ig. I want to stop feeling bad about myself, please suggest stuff.

    #1031303 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    All right, this is confusing to follow, but it sounds like you have trouble believing your boyfriend thinks you’re beautiful and smart.

    I don’t really know what to tell you except as you get older I hope that you’ll develop a sense of your own strengths and weaknesses and come to love and accept yourself as you are.

    Look, not everyone is super smart or super beautiful or super everything. But everyone is good enough just as they are. And if you recognize that, and understand your own strengths and play those up, you can be confident and happy and find lasting love. But you definitely need to drop the unrealistic need to be smarter than your friends, or the most beautiful, or whatever expectations you’re putting on yourself. Just be you.

    #1031308 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Please know that the images you see on insta or other social media or on TV are highly photoshopped. I’ve seen fitness instructors and “influencers” with their hips trimmed, their waists cinched. People smooth their skin and remove the fuzz and bumps.

    I’ve heard the smartest people I know say or do the dumbest things. We’re human.

    Putting yourself down, questioning your own value, constantly needing validation is exhausting for those around you. No one sees your flaws with the microscope with which you view them. I have a tiny scar that looks like a big pore on my cheek. In my brain it’s HUGE. To everyone else, they can’t see it at all.

    Furthermore, when someone really likes you – they may see your flaws but they’re diminished because the good outweighs the bad. I call it the “lovely” effect. Similarly the most physically attractive people become ugly if their awful personalities outweigh their pretty packaging.

    #1031317 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Comparing yourself to others in order to gauge your own self-worth — that won’t work. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, more successful, richer. Always.

    Also, it sounds there is some pressure on your boyfriend to boost your self-esteem. That’s not his responsibility.

    It sounds like you know these things, and the solution is to do everything you can to build your self-worth — therapy, books, youtube videos, etc.

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