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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

He bloody well hung up on me

Home Forums Advice & Chat He bloody well hung up on me

  • This topic has 41 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 5 days ago by LisforLeslie.
Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 42 total)
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  • #1118235 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    Nah he doesn’t come home, it’s too far away and it’s not really a done thing to leave for lunch in his role. He leaves well before I even wake up and gets home after I do as he goes to the gym before and after work. There may be merit in him needing some time to himself though, I’ve been feeling we’re a bit on top of each other lately. Plus we had my mum and her partner for a week at Christmas.

    To be honest I think a lot of this is also his control issues. I let him run the show most of the time as he is a massive type A planner and I’m a lot more ‘go with the flow’ so he gets his way most of the time. When I start deviating from these roles he really seems to get in his feelings about it. You should have seen the consternation when I put a pot plant in the front garden when he thought it should have been in the back.

    #1118236 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Sounds like he thinks he has a lot of veto power!

    #1118237 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    That idea to ask your boss for half the rent they’re saving is just bonkers. Just in general is he kind of nuts? Because this is like, a completely normal business circumstance where they just don’t need a physical location anymore. They’re allowing you to keep your job and be totally remote. It’s great. This is nothing for any rational person to get upset about, unless, like, you live in a 1-BR apartment and the one spouse is already wfh. In which case you figure something out, like coffee shops or a Workbar. It sounds like he wants to always be calling the shots about everything, which is alarming.

    I’d be like, I like this job. I’m happy with it. They are no longer going to have a physical office, which means I’ll be fully remote. I’m glad to be able to keep this job. They’re compensating me for home expenses. What are your concerns about this? No, I am not going to ask for half the rent savings, that’s bonkers.

    #1118239 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    Lol Wendy you’re not wrong. It definitely felt in the moment like he thought his half of the mortgage somehow held more sway than my half. Like, I’ll be using a room we set up for this exact purpose in the manner for which it was intended and we can set it up on my work’s dollar. What in the hell is the issue?! And if I do leave we’d have the option of either keeping the stuff or paying a small amount for it depending on how long I’m there. Seems pretty sweet to me.

    He’s generally not nuts but I notice this side of him comes out when he feels like he’s losing his grip on a situation. It’s a very negative, legalistic side and it instantly puts me on the defensive.

    #1118243 Reply
    PassingBy
    Guest

    I’m almost that there’s something else going on, because his behaviour doesn’t make any sense.

    #1118244 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    What you’ve described is … not terribly healthy. I get that no one likes change, but you talked about it. It was possible. Why does he think he gets a say in your career decisions that do not actually impact him? If you were being offered a transfer to another city… sure, but reducing your commute to 100 steps? Is this just he needs to have his hissy fit and then he accepts reality and goes back to normal? Like a toddler?

    I typically don’t advocate violence, but dude needs to be slapped upside the head.

    Aside from some energy costs, how is this truly costing you more? The room exists. For most people working from home saves on transportation, dry cleaning, etc. I’m more curious than anything else as I work from home.

    #1118246 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Is it things like a monitor, printer, ergonomic chair/desk? Like, sure, those can be expensive, but it sounds like they’re covering it. Running the A/C seems like a wash with gas?

    #1118264 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I’m sorry he’s like this. It sounds really infuriating.

    #1118274 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s not okay for him to behave like this, with irrational tantrums when he doesn’t like something or feels out of control. Especially when you typically just give in to avoid trouble.

    Would you consider asking him to do some sessions of couples counseling to get to the bottom of this? Is it possible you two work better as a couple when you’re not living together?

    #1118275 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    You need to decide whether you really want to spend years living with this guy. His behavior is abusive and you have allowed him to believe that you will generally permit him to be controlling. Current behavior is crazy. Yes, there is something strange going on which he hasn’t told you about, but he doesn’t get a pass for whatever that is. It sounds like he has major financial concerns — he hasn’t told you he’s now longer working; he has lost $ on an investment or gambling; he bought an expensive toy for himself?

    With the extra information you provided, his behavior is beyond bizarre. Hanging up under these circumstances? You should consider MOA. Couples counseling at a minimum.

    #1118277 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    It also sounds like he feels that any cost savings on office space should be redirected to the specific employees working from home for some reason. Again, with the exception of one time costs, good chair, monitor, etc. the total savings to your boss, is your boss’ to deal with. If you get a savings on printer paper, the buyer for the office doesn’t get the exact savings in his paycheck. That’s not how it works. The office trims costs to reinvest in the business.

    So again, tantrum. Irrational tantrum. Good luck.

    #1118278 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    We probably do need some counselling, it’s just finding the money for it. Which is what I think is triggering a lot of this. He’s worried about money after buying the house and doesn’t like his job but is afraid he won’t be able to make the same kind of money as he does now. It’s a fair concern, you get paid well for a lot of not particularly transferable skills in his work so it’s difficult to leave.

    It flared up again last night. The latest is he doesn’t like that I work mostly sitting on the couch (fair, I’m sure it’s not great for you) so I said that’s why work has to set up the desk etc. He wanted to make a desk for in there so now he feels rushed, I said that’s why we can get a desk and make it a spare after. No, doesn’t like that but still doesn’t want me working from the couch. I said he can’t have it all ways, something has to give. Saying no to everything isn’t a discussion.

    I think what annoys me the most about all this is we agreed moving back here would finally be my chance to work on my career after following him around for the majority of our marriage and all he’s done is interfere. Now he wants to leave his job and add more pressure on me to make more money when I’m only just re-establishing after all the job changes.

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