Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

He bloody well hung up on me

Home Forums Advice & Chat He bloody well hung up on me

  • This topic has 41 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 5 days ago by LisforLeslie.
Viewing 6 posts - 37 through 42 (of 42 total)
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  • #1118320 Reply

    I think if he was bananas about something to that degree, be prepared to find he’s not over it. The desk sounds like a control thing. Your work would pay for the desk, chair, monitor, etc. of your choosing, right? You could get a standing desk, or whatever desk you want. But for some reason he’s got to make the desk, which will take time, and will be the desk he wants. It sounds like a way to stall and also have your wfh continue to be an issue. I hope not, but it looks weird. Like, why was he not making a desk this whole time you were wfh 2-3 days a week and sitting on the couch?

    Can you say to him that you appreciate so much that he’s willing to make a desk, but you’ve got a budget from work and you’d like to set up the office in the most comfortable way, pretty quickly so you can get settled in? I sense that you couldn’t.

    #1118323 Reply

    Yeah, that is an interesting point. He’s making the desk his duty and responsibility now, all of a sudden, when he was just complaining about the costs of you wfh. Why would he incur personal costs now, and have to make the desk himself? He’s making it a hassle to lord over you later? I don’t know.

    #1118324 Reply

    I don’t know hardly anything about him, so could be way off, but I could see somebody doing something like this desk project as a way to, like, never be done with the office so their partner has to keep being uncomfortable. And then when the partner asks about it, it’s like, well I am gone all day and have no time.

    Or he could genuinely be trying to be a good guy, idk, I’m realizing I’d be harder on him if he wasn’t the spouse of a long time reasonable poster.

    #1118325 Reply

    If his root problem is that he is very unhappy in the Army, then he should be looking for another job and getting out of Army after meeting any contractual obligations. If he wants out, then it seems there isn’t a ton of downside in utilizing his military healthcare benefits for counseling.

    I spent some time doing ergonomic evaluations and fixes with office workers who had carpal tunnel syndrome or other physical ailments resulting from office work with less-than-ideal chair/desk/computer. Most attractive wooden desks are awful from a worker health standpoint. This is especially true for women, since most wooden office equipment is designed with 5-’10” to 6′-2″ males in mind. Your husband’s ideal, beautiful desk could literally cripple your hands. Also, if he loves wooden desks, there are literally tons available for the asking, as so many are being discarded — some quite beautiful. In addition to needing office equipment now rather than later and it being free from your employer, this is something to consider. How much input have you had on the precise dimensions of desk, especially the height of the work surface.

    The Law Department at my former employer was the only department where everyone had beautiful large leather chairs and huge wooden desks. Only way to make it work for many women was to cut off several inches of the desk legs. The chairs still didn’t work great, but they would rather hurt a little than look different. There is great, highly adjustable, ergonomic furniture available today.

    #1118343 Reply

    That room is a glorious mess right now so there hadn’t been any progression on making desks because it’s holding all our junk atm. It will get done though, I’m not worried there. We’d discussed this type of desk before the wfh thing so it’s not out of the blue that the idea has been revisited.

    My interpretation of all this is that he’s acquiesced to the idea and this is how he shows it. Not the best way to communicate it and it’s still a sore spot but it’s progress. I’m glad he’s let it go because the whole thing felt like I was doing something wrong because I didn’t ask permission and… Just yuck. It won’t be the last time we talk about it.

    #1118345 Reply

    I fully admit that at least 75% of the time any new idea someone presents to me is met with initial resistance. I am not skilled in the improv approach of “Yes and”. So I may start putting up barriers and as I talk through it, I get onboard.

    While I’m going to give Stompy McTantrum the benefit of the doubt and say that he’s come around you definitely need a healthier way to manage these kinds of issues. While I may be resistant I do not react like a toddler and I have said on more than one occasion – “OK, I get it, let’s do it your way.” or “You’ve talked me into this, thank you for taking the time to explain your perspective.”

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