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Dear Wendy

He cheated and humiliated me

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  • This topic has 13 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by avatarNoem.
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  • #964387 Reply

    I have been seeing a guy for 6 months. All his friends and family told me how he didn’t stop going on about me and that I was the one he said he would settle down with. We got on so well and was like best mates. I noticed recently when I would call him he wouldn’t answer his phone and he wasn’t coming round to mine as much saying he has stuff to do and the intimacy was lacking too. He would ring me every day telling me how he misses me and I never thought anything was wrong I convinced myself I was overreacting. I tried ringing him one night and he didn’t answer my call or read my message till the next morning and told me he went round his friends. I then found out on social media he was at this girls house celebrating her birthday with her with others. I don’t know this girl but he likes nearly every one of her photos. I called him out on it and he was angry and painted me to be the nutcase when I caught him lying. I’m so so hurt he has done this to me. My father has been really ill and the conversation I had with him before was him telling me he wants to come round and comfort and help me in this hard time with my father. How can he be so cruel to do this? I’m really hurt. Part of me wants to find the truth but another part just can’t deal with it

    #964392 Reply

    Forget about anything this guy (or his friends) said. Words are cheap and meaningless. Pay attention to his actions. He lied about where & who he was with and then made you feel like you’re the wrong or crazy one (classic gaslighting) This is who he is and it isn’t someone you should give another second of your time. He’s an ass, dump him. Everything he’s said to you is a lie. Helping you with your ill dad, settling down with you, all meaningless. There are better guys out there who won’t lie and waste your time. I’m so sorry about your dad.

    #964394 Reply

    Thank you. You are right I just feel incredibly stupid to believe his lies. I brought gifts and opened my home to him and even told him I loved him. I just feel so humiliated

    #964396 Reply

    Its a painful lesson most of us have had to learn the hard way. In future relationships go a bit slower. Its impossible to really know someone in a short amount of time. A common ploy abusers use is lovebombing, super quickly pushing a commitment & literally bombing you with love. I’m not saying this guy was abusive, probably just a jerk, but telling you he wants to settle down with you within weeks is lovebombing. Don’t be hard on yourself, most of us have been swept off our feet by a jerk. Consider yourself lucky for finding out early

    #964397 Reply

    Eh… If she is just a friend of his -— did he really lie about where he was? If people are sneaking around -— they usually are more sly than public birthday parties… The whole can’t have any opposite sex friends thing is fucking tired. Needy. And frankly —- pathetic.

    #964398 Reply

    Yeah, I am not sure that he “cheated”, nor that he really lied. His reaction is annoying, sure, and his decrease of interest is also concerning. He probably likes this girl, perhaps a bit more that just a friend, but you don’t know wether he really went further with her than just attending her birthday… No big deal in my book.
    I am confused because you say at the same time that he doesn’t read or answer immediately your messages (frankly, I would find that exhausting, I too don’t answer immediately and sometimes don’t even realise I got a text…), but you say at the same time that he calls you everyday and wanted to come to your place to console you. So which one is it?
    I think you are insecure, he is avoidant, and that you feel in your gut a growing distance. This is self-escalating. You probably obsessed about his “disappearance” because you are yourself in a big stress regarding your father.
    Focus on your dad right now, for your own good and peace of mind. Let it rest for a while. If this relationship is strong, you might reconnect with each other later and you might ask him if he is serious about you and if you both can take your romance to the next level (exclusivity? date more consistently? more involvement on his part? you know what you want). But you might also reconsider the possible incompatibility between your anxious style vs his avoidant behavior. It might also be simply over. The fact is: we don’t know…

    #964401 Reply

    I don’t necessarily see outright lying here – unless he told you he was at a particular friend’s place. And I don’t see cheating? Though going to some girl’s house for a party and not inviting you (his alleged girlfriend) is shady. But all of this taken together looks like he’s checked out of the relationship.

    When this happens:

    “recently when I would call him he wouldn’t answer his phone and he wasn’t coming round to mine as much saying he has stuff to do and the intimacy was lacking too”

    You know something is wrong. It’s when a guy suddenly withdraws and acts different a few months into a relationship, and you know it’s off but you tell yourself you’re overreacting, that he’s checked out but doesn’t want to be the bad guy and break up. He wants you to just do it.

    So yeah, this is most likely over. You’re going to have to pull the trigger. This sucks, but it allows you to move on and be available to meet a better guy.

    #964402 Reply

    I strongly disagree with Brise, btw. This is definitely how guys act when they’re done. It’s not you, unless you have a history of this pattern.

    And this:

    “ you say at the same time that he calls you everyday and wanted to come to your place to console you. So which one is it?”

    It’s very low-effort for him to call you. But unless he’s *actually* physically coming around, it’s words that don’t match up with actions.

    #964403 Reply

    If all you have as proof that your boyfriend cheated on you is that he “likes” another woman’s photos often on social media and went to her birthday party, then you have no proof. I’m also not convinced he even lied to you. I mean, maybe, but based on these details, I can’t say. That said, yeah, he does sound like he’s withdrawing and over it. It’s okay to be disappointed and hurt, and no need to feel stupid or humiliated — I think most of us have been through similar. It’s time to move on and up.

    #964407 Reply

    I’m not seeing outright lying here – he told you he was with friends – and that’s where he was. Now, if he’s in the UK or US – then he’s behaving stupidly going to a party in a pandemic, but he’s not lying to you.

    You IG stalked this woman and what did you find? Were all of his likes in the past week or is this just part of their friendship: She posts something, he likes it?

    If he’s not giving you what you need, tell him. But you sound insecure and controlling with the “he humiliated me” and “cheating”. Being around women friends is not cheating. Not calling you for one evening is not evidence of cheating.

    #964420 Reply

    LW — You don’t trust or want to be with him, so don’t be with him. But don’t be so melodramatic. He was with friends, at a birthday party, you saw pictures on-line. BGM is right — not exactly stealthy behavior.

    I doubt you have a decision to make. He seems to be pulling a slow fade.

    “I have been seeing a guy for 6 months. All his friends and family told me how he didn’t stop going on about me and that I was the one he said he would settle down with.” — Really, who does this? Nobody I know. The guy tells you how he feels, not all the people he knows and members of his family. That is beyond odd and I would treat it as a ruse, not an accurate representation of how he feels. My friends and family may be less exuberant than normal, but really, who after 6 months into a relationship talks to all his family and friends like this, and then they trot off and repeat it to the gf. If I were in your place, I’d take that as reason enough to run. It’s creepy.

    #964546 Reply

    I would dump him for going to a party during COVID. Your dad is sick, he wants to come over, but he’s going to parties? He doesn’t care about your health, leave.

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