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“He Doesn’t Want to Date Long Distance”

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  • #923545 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “ I met my boyfriend in October of 2019, and we instantly clicked. We lived in the same apartment complex and spent nearly every day together, and the following January we made it official. He’s the type of guy to speak his mind and not care who it offends or hurts. He’s confident and outgoing and quite frankly I’m surprised he’s dating me. We live in different houses now on opposite sides of the city, but still try to see each other every day. When we met, he was finishing his Psychology degree for the Army, and was supposed to leave once he graduated the following May.

    However, one night he made some careless decisions and was faced with the very high possibility of getting kicked out of the Army. After a while, he accepted it and we moved on with our relationship as if he were staying in the city. He planned to get a job with his new degree and we would stay together. I’ve met his family and he’s met mine, and we had made plans for the future. I give him alone time when he asks for it, and the communication between us is excellent. We are not only lovers, but the best of friends.

    A couple of weeks ago, his superior contacted him saying they were trying to reinstate his security clearance and that he would have to continue with his military plans in December. For a week after he told me this, there was a huge elephant in the room about what would happen now that he would be leaving. I assumed that I would finish my degree and move down with him, but when it was brought up, he got frustrated and angry. He said once he leaves he’ll have to rid all distractions that will mess up his performance in the field. He said that he has tried long distance before and that it doesn’t work, and that he doesn’t want me to put my goals on hold and wait around for him until his contract ends, even though I plan to work on my goals while he is gone. I have friends that have boyfriends in the military and have seen long distance work. As for me, I’ve never met anyone that is in sync with me as much as he is, so I want to keep him in my life, preferably as a partner.

    I feel like if he loved me as much as he claims, he would at least try long distance, but he said he wants to start distancing before he leaves so it doesn’t hurt as much. I’ve heard that when a man really loves someone, he fights for them tooth and nail, which is why I’m doubting him when he says he wishes we could stay together. He says we can try again if we’re both single when his contract ends, but I don’t know if he’s telling me that to cushion the blow and doesn’t intend to follow up. I love him and I don’t want to break ties with him once he leaves. I want to motivate him and watch him strive and achieve his goals.

    Does it seem like he just isn’t interested anymore and is using this as an excuse to break up with me? Or is he just scared that if we continue with the relationship, I might find someone else and break his heart? How do I find out the truth? What do I do?
    – Confused ”

    #923748 Reply

    “He’s the type of guy to speak his mind and not care who it offends or hurts. He’s confident and outgoing and quite frankly I’m surprised he’s dating me.”

    Guys who don’t care whom they hurt by speaking their mind, usually aren’t nice guys.

    The second sentence suggests you have a serious self-esteem issue.

    It’s clear he doesn’t want to continue the relationship, so you need to accept that it’s over.

    #923816 Reply

    He doesn’t care if he loses you. He doesn’t want to even see you now, is what he said. He said it’s so it doesn’t hurt more when he leaves. You’re right, if he loved you he’d want to see you or make it work. But he doesn’t. At least he’s being semi honest and telling you not to change your plans to follow him.

    So clearly, the things you thought were true about him- he speaks his mind even if it offends or hurts someone- isn’t true. He’s not being completely honest with you.

    When someone says a person speaks their mind no matter who it offends, it generally really means they’re an asshole. Because having manners and keeping your mouth shut are sometimes really good things to do.

    I’m very curious as to what he did to get in trouble and almost kicked out of the army.

    I think you should do your best to move on. You felt more than he did, if he considers you as a distraction to his goals.

    #924289 Reply

    He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. It stings now, but I don’t think you’re losing a great guy. He did something bad enough to jeopardize his career in the Army & he’s abrasive with poor social skills. That’s what it means when someone says what they think with no regard for anyone else’s feelings. Its not honesty or confidence, its being a graceless asshole. Nobody likes that person. Don’t wait to see if you’re still single when his assignment is over. Consider this a bullet dodged.

    #924300 Reply

    Yeah, he is trying (though failing) to be kind here. Take the fucking hint.

    #924362 Reply
    Kate B.Kate B.

    Sorry, your boyfriend sounds like a dick. But, he’s at least an honest dick. It is totally possible to speak your mind and still care whether you hurt someone, especially someone you’re supposed to be in a relationship with. There’s a very fine line between confident and arrogant, and I suspect your boyfriend crosses that line on a regular basis. He had to do something very serious to jeopardize his Army career and I would love to know what that is. I say he’s an honest dick because he’s told you that he doesn’t want a relationship with you, although he could’ve handled it a lot better. You need to hear that and move on.

    #924407 Reply

    Yea, I think he likes you and cares about you but not enough to stay and go the extra mile. I was in this relationship with a guy in the army. We had a great time and really cared about each other. We dated on and off when he was back in town. But then once he left for this immersive language program in Texas and that was the end of it. This thing just has an expiration date.

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