This topic contains 17 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by JD 3 weeks, 6 days ago.
July 22, 2018 at 8:47 am #768642
From a LW:
I met this boy at a festival through our common best friend. We started talking through Messenger after he accidentally called me and, although I didn’t feel attracted to him immediately, as the days went by I caught myself falling for him. He eventually asked me on a date and I obviously didn’t refuse. We went out, talked and had out first kiss together, something that made me realize that I wanted him.
A few days later I went to his place, supposedly to watch a movie with him. We are both 16 so none of us had had sex yet and I was feeling really sure that I wanted to wait at least a year before I slept with someone. But as soon as we started kissing and he showed signs of wanting it to happen, I caved in and let him go on. It was unexpectedly good for a first time and although it wasn’t perfect, I had a really nice time. He made me feel warm, safe and happy and I couldn’t have asked for more. He treated me as every girl would wish to be treated.
The following two days, though, he was extremely cold towards me, ghosted me and only talked to me absolutely if he had to. After these days, he completely vanished and left me devastated. Also, I learnt from almost all of our common friends that he had gone crazy about this other girl and was talking about her every time he was around people. I got mad, blocked him and decided I should try to move on.
But then, I found out that my girl best friend (to whom I had described everything in great detail) had sent him a text mocking him about something I had told her he had done wrong while we were having sex. And because he gets angry easily, one possible explanation for his attitude towards me is that he thinks I’m making fun of him about this very sensitive subject. So, I figured I should apologize. He doesn’t seem to care about me tho, since he never talks or asks about me and is probably falling head over heels about this other girl so I think he won’t take me seriously at all and has already left me behind.
He dumped me after my first time, which was really important to me and that hurt like hell. But I’ve probably hurt him too, so I don’t know what to do. Also, I want an explanation for his behavior but I don’t want to appear as if I have no dignity.July 22, 2018 at 9:06 am #768672
Well he didn’t dump you as you weren’t in a committed relationship. This is why you should not cave just because the other person wishes to have sex, if you aren’t ready. You weren’t ready for the emotions that come with sex. That’s fine. Also, don’t want to be with someone who gets mad easily. That’s not a good sign. Don’t have sex again until you are ready. Also, don’t have sex with someone who hasn’t been clear they want a committed relationship with you, if that’s what you want. It hurts but he didn’t really do anything wrong as you agreed and a relationship wasn’t in place. Even in a committed relationship sex can change feelings in both directions. It may make you realize you aren’t as into someone as you thought. Lastly, don’t discuss your sexual encounters with friends. I’m not saying never but at your age kids are too likely to talk, as you’ve seen.July 22, 2018 at 9:54 am #768751
This was a learning experience. I hope you used protection.
Avoid people with short fuses. You will never have a good relationship when you have to constantly worry about setting them off.
You have no reason to apologize.
Learn to say no if you don’t want to have sex. It is easy to get swept up in the moment because you have a sex drive. Try to avoid getting into situations where you are more likely to end up with the guy pressuring you for sex. Be alone with a guy if you are interested, otherwise avoid it.July 22, 2018 at 11:13 am #768863
“But then, I found out that my girl best friend (to whom I had described everything in great detail) had sent him a text mocking him about something I had told her he had done wrong while we were having sex. And because he gets angry easily, one possible explanation for his attitude towards me is that he thinks I’m making fun of him about this very sensitive subject.” CLASSY.
Imagine if the reverse had happened. He had broadcast something embarrassing about your intimate sex to his friends and one of them was harassing and making fun of you about it.
I think anyone would be upset by that.
That’s your problem. You had a nice time, but you told your friend, who has bullied him about it. You fucked it up.July 22, 2018 at 2:05 pm #769105
I don’t know why he did what he did but if I had sex with someone and she made fun of my sexual performance with her friends, who taunted me about it, I would not have anything to do with her.July 22, 2018 at 2:46 pm #769162
While that was a completely wrong thing for your friend to do, he had already ghosted you. That’s not what caused this. He was always going to drop you after sex, because he was never that into you. Don’t be devestated. Flip the script in your head. This has happened to everyone. Just learn from it and keep moving.July 22, 2018 at 3:11 pm #769198
I’m sorry it turned out this way, but you learned some really important things.
First, you can’t trust your friend not to blab anything and everything you tell her. Don’t tell her anything unless you don’t mind it being repeated to everyone she knows.
Second, having sex doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. It doesn’t even mean the other person wants a relationship. It doesn’t mean they are falling in love with you, or that they even like you. It just means they want to have sex at that moment. If you want to have sex in a committed relationship, wait till you’re in a committed relationship. Don’t assume a one-night stand will turn into something more.
Like everyone else says, we’ve all been there. It’ll get better. 🙂July 22, 2018 at 3:52 pm #769255
“While that was a completely wrong thing for your friend to do, he had already ghosted you.”
Is this true? I read it as she found out about the text after the ghosting, not that the text necessarily occurred after the ghosting.July 22, 2018 at 3:55 pm #769261
Maybe she can clarify the timing. I read it as he ghosted her immediately after sex, then her friend sent that message like, you suck anyway brah. Like trying to stick up for her girl but being a complete idiot.July 22, 2018 at 4:37 pm #769313
I’m interpreting the first physical date all the way through to the ghosting as lasting around a week.
My takeaway is that if he is already loudly gossiping about how much he likes another girl to all of your mutual acquaintances, he is purposely putting out I-no-longer-wish-to-talk-about-that-other-girl vibes.
I would take this as a strong signal not to engage any further with this guy. It is unlikely he will provide you the narrative you are hoping for, that he was so embarrassed and devastated over your gossip that he could no longer face you even though he still has really strong feelings for you.
“Also, I want an explanation for his behavior but I don’t want to appear as if I have no dignity.”
Forget about asking someone who becomes cold after sex for a satisfying explanation, if he was inclined to speak to you directly about his diminished interest he would have already done so.
It sounds like you had a really nice first time experience but it didn’t lead into a very nice relationship. This isn’t how you imagined your first sexual experience and I think it makes sense that you would want to know what happened. But I doubt this boy is going to provide that for you. So instead, go ahead and be happy for the experience, a little sad for the let-down afterwards, and acknowledge you are disappointed and hurt because you hoped things would have been different.
Forget about what this guy thinks. He isn’t the right boy for you, anyhow.
Do use the information you learned to empower yourself. Plan to bring condoms even if you aren’t sure how intimidate you will be on a date. Be willing to take an active position during dates- don’t defer to the guy!
Think before you gossip about anything too intimate and unnecessary about boys, especially with this particular friend.
Sorry things didn’t go the way you wanted them to go, but you’ll be alright.July 22, 2018 at 5:58 pm #769417
You just gave away something precious — your virginity — something you could have saved for someone special. You could have gotten pregnant. You could have gotten an STD. No guy will like you better because he got sex from you. Some guys just use women. Some just pay prostitutes so there are no strings attached. If you are going to do this again, make sure HE provides the condom and uses it!
Now love yourself. Be good at some things — such as good grades, musical instrument, tennis, dancing, speaking another language, etc. You will then attrack a more quality boy/man and you will have more confidence in yourself.July 22, 2018 at 6:07 pm #769433
Elsie — that’s an antiquated view of virginity.
Btw, I also read letter as saying the comments from LW’s best girl friend to this guy preceded the ghosting. I read it as gf deliberately caused the rift.
In any case, if you know this guy is prone to quick anger, you should not have dated him. That is a character trait to keep well clear of.
I also read all of his happy talk of interest in wonderful other girl as an effort at face-saving and taking a shot back at LW and her obnoxious bf.