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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

He dumped me suddenly , I don’t want to lose him. How do I deal with this?

Home Forums Advice & Chat He dumped me suddenly , I don’t want to lose him. How do I deal with this?

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  • #1116055 Reply
    Cass
    Guest

    I 26F met a guy 23M in February, we were both tourists in a country. We hit it off and he asked me to travel with him , so I agreed and spent 2 weeks together. He After that I had to leave and we went our separate ways, however he kept contacting me and calling so I assumed he was serious and I went with it.
    He was always calling every day, texting and acting like he wanted something more.
    He had told me that before traveling he has broken up with his girlfriend.
    But after a few weeks of talking on phone he told me he did break up with his girlfriend but the thing is they also agreed that when he returns home they would see if something will still work between .
    I told him okay and I wanted to walk away but he begged and convinced me to be friends.
    I agreed, even though we kept on talk every day and acting like couples but I didn’t care cause I started seeing other guys.
    After some time he told he liked me alot and wanted us date but since we were far away let’s be exclusive and then when we meet we take it from there.
    I was coincidentally also supposed to move to his country for my Masters, this is not because of him. He thought we were meant to me and we could be a couple when I get to his country.

    I suggested we waited and that when he is done with his tour and goes back home , since he and the girl agreed they would meet up when he is back and see if anything would work. If it then doesn’t work we can see.
    But he said no and insisted that after he broke up with her before traveling they don’t talk and his feelings for her are not there anymore and he really wanted us together.
    So I said okay we keep talking until we meet and then we know what’s up.
    He offered to come to my country but I declined cause it wasn’t the right time for me. So I said I would still come back to the country we met and we would see there. He then extended his travel so he would meet me there.
    This guys seemed so into me, he cared, he communicating, he showed so much interest and was very invested.
    After some time I realised I couldn’t make it to the country then, I then asked him what was next.
    He said he thinks he has to go back home first and see what works with that girl and maybe wait for sometime and stuff like that.
    I was confused cause he said he didn’t want to do that anymore.
    Anyways, I agreed with him and I gave him space. He noticed and kept bothering and asking why I was distant. He wanted me back to normal.
    I eventually told him why I was distant and then I told him I wanted us to cut contact for him to be very sure of his feelings cause he is always confused.
    He said okay that he does need to go and figure things out, we cut contact a bit and they got back again.
    We then cut contact again as he said it wouldn’t be fair if he was talking to me while he was trying to sort things out with the girl. He also told me he was sure he didn’t want to make up but because they agreed to meet again he had to do it and that he would contact me.

    So I agreed to cut contact, I actually decided to move on. Two weeks later he comes back saying he and the girl cut everything off and they had already been broke up for 6 months so the feelings were gone and they decided not to be friends.

    I asked him now that he is back, is he sure he wanted anything between us.Especially since I was relocating to his country , I didn’t want to meet and waste my time if he wasn’t serious.
    He said he was still down for us and wanted it. That he just wouldn’t be able to get into a relationship immediately since he just got out of one and it’s disrespectful. But he wanted is to still be together after we have taken some time and also meet again in person and know what the vibe is.
    I agreed, he was so excited for my coming and he kept making plans and everything.
    I was happy too. When I got to his country he picked me from the airport , we have fun and we spend the night.
    He also makes plans for us to see again.

    I noticed he is acting weird two days later, I ask him and he said he didn’t expect our meet to be that way. He expected it to be different and that it was just like on phone.
    He also thinks he needs to be alone for a while.
    He realised he hasn’t be single for a long time, and after the recent break up he just felt free and doesn’t want to be tied down again by anybody.
    I begged and pleaded he change his mind, we have been through alot and now we have closed the distance and supposed to get to know each other more and be a couple he is walking away. I tried so hard, cried and explained but he said it really wasn’t about me or the meeting but he had been thinking about it after he returned home and thinks it’s best for him to be alone for now to figure his life out.
    He doesn’t know what next to do with his life and might travel again so if we become a couple he doesn’t want to go through break ups again.
    I even offered we have something casual but he said it wouldn’t make sense and he still liked me alot to do that to me.
    He said he still liked me alot and is still attracted to me, he thinks we can still meet up and hangout after things have cooled off.
    Unless I didn’t want to be friends again then he would understand perfectly.

    I just don’t understand how this would happen, he was so invested in me way more.
    He was excited about us, I tried to walk away more than once and he always begged.
    I never forced or begged him to be with me in the past. He was really wanting this to happen, he kept making plans and telling everyone about us.
    How could he suddenly want out. I just don’t understand it.
    I feel extremely hurt and broken, Just when I finally decided to open up to all of this and him he disappoints me.
    I’m really hurt and I keep feeling I am the problem and I wasn’t good enough.
    I don’t wanna lose him but I also don’t know what to do.

    #1116056 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    This really sounds like he had a girlfriend the whole time. People do this a lot. They’re in maybe not the best relationship, they meet someone long-distance and keep both things going. It explains the periodic blockings and unblocking, or contact, no-contact. And the weird behavior when you do meet. His story did keep changing about his girlfriend.

    Anyway, that’s most likely. It could also be that there just wasn’t enough of a foundation here, and then with all the back and forth and drama and you saying you’d meet up a couple times but cancelling, and the periods of no contact, and you both seeing other people, it just fizzled for him. Maybe he met someone ELSE entirely during all this.

    ETA: no, I really do think he has a gf. It explains why he’s still trying to back-burner you, keep you in the wings, but not hang out even as friends. He’s freaking out about his gf finding out about you.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Kate.
    #1116058 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    I think that as a general proposition people should not become emotionally invested in relationships where they have not regularly lived near and seen someone for a long period of time. Sometimes it works out, but typically without that foundation you just can’t really know what’s going on.

    You had a fun two weeks with him but after that it has basically an online relationship. It takes no effort on his part to text you and tell you how great you are. Once you actually came to visit he wasn’t into it.

    Half the world is men.* There is someone great who lives in your country who wants to be with you. Find that guy

    *Amazing but true!

    #1116059 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I agree that even from the beginning, you should have known this was just a vacation thing. He seems to have always told you he had his gf back at home.

    It’s very easy to text someone the bare minimum and keep them in the wings waiting.

    If someone isn’t giving you what you want AND also doesn’t live anywhere near you, you should probably not waste your time waiting in the wings for their next vacation and when you’ll be feeling it. Don’t do casual if you don’t want to do casual. It’s okay to want what you want.

    #1116060 Reply
    Friendly advice
    Guest

    Red flags reading through your post.
    He had ties still with his girlfriend and also is likely to be still with said girlfriend.
    You’re worth more than him.
    You’re doing your masters, you travelled! You are going places girl.
    Do NOT let someone like him impact your life or feelings. Easier said than done for sure, but if you read back on your own post and notice the amount of times you’ve said things such as “cut contact for a while” and “he broke it off six months ago” and “he was sorting things” they’re all questionable actions.
    Red flags my love.
    You don’t want to be (likely) one of the many other girls he may be doing this to.
    You’ll find someone else. Don’t invest in someone who clearly will not invest in you.
    Too many complications he’s come across since knowing you – girlfriend, contact, reducing or stopping your contact, sorting things a lot?
    No lovely. You’ve dodged a bullet

    #1116061 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Spend a little time thinking about what would happen if you “won” this challenge: You’d constantly be worried that he’d be off with someone else. You’d constantly be comparing yourself to everyone else in his life. You’d always be suspicious, always alert for threats. And those threats would be everywhere because he’s not trustworthy.

    He’s not a prize. Not in any form. You need to reset your lie-truth meter and move forward without this guy.

    #1116062 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Leslie is absolutely right. I won the philandering man whore once. It was the absolute worst. I’d find hair pins in our bedroom, explained away as a cousin or something. Earrings behind the couch, must have been one of my friends that left them. And then, obviously the clincher and icing on the cake was coming home early from work one day and catching them in bed together.

    Date a man local to you that you can build a real relationship with. A vacation fling never goes anywhere, except in romance novels.

    #1116069 Reply
    Cass
    Guest

    Thank you all for your response. You have all made great points and I believe the moment I got here he realised he couldn’t do it and left.
    It just hurts so bad because I was scared to open up and I did then got hurt.
    I also think I got too attached and now this whole situation is making me feel like I’m not worthy or good enough. It’s really messing with my self esteem and everything. I need to move on , it’s just hard. i keep thinking about him and everything, it’s so bad and I just don’t know.

    #1116071 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    It does hurt when you didn’t see a breakup/rejection coming, LW, but try not to let that affect how you feel about yourself. The way people treat you is not an indicator of your worth and says far more about them. This man, for instance, was happy to tell you things I’m sure he knew you’d like to hear if it meant you’d be an option to him with little regard for your feelings, right? People who act like this are not high value partners. They’re selfish, manipulative.

    If you haven’t already, block the guy on all platforms. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Meet new people. Eventually you will feel better. One day this will be a blip on your radar and you will hopefully have learned some important lessons.

    #1116072 Reply
    Cass
    Guest

    That’s true, he definitely sold me a dream. He basically pushed the idea of us being together and said so many things. I even told we should slow things down since he was fresh out of a relationship plus the whole back and forth, but he was so sure we were meant to be. I believed him, he was also always texting and calling and just acting, being very invested.
    So I definitely didn’t see this coming, I’m definitely hoping that with time I can get over it

    #1116078 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    It’s really easy to say words.

    Pay more attention to actions.

    He also told you about his gf back home. And you “broke up” a few times. It wasn’t all sunshine and roses. If guys are telling you it’s meant to be and they hardly know you, you should know that it is a red flag. And be very, very cautious.

    #1116080 Reply
    Cass
    Guest

    I can see how that is a red flag. i was so carried away by the fact that he seemed so invested.
    Do you have any suggestions on how to move on and heal?
    I can’t stop thinking about him and the situation.
    I’ve deleted everything about him but it just gets worse.

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