He never told me he loved me..but his actions were enough?

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  • Remerz
    December 22, 2022 at 8:28 pm #1117287

    So I (23F) recently broke it off with my fiancé (27M) of 1.5 years. I am still trying to process how I feel about it; everyone in my life is glad that I ended it and I can clearly see times where I was wronged, and yet I can’t help but feel lost and lonely.
    My ex was a good man, in that he was an independent and deep thinker, unique, very smart, and a “C” type personality.He was also religious and we had all the same values. I, on the other hand, am a very soft and emotional introverted girl.
    Throughout our relationship, there were a couple rough patches in which our chemistry and connection needed work: we would discuss that we needed to talk more, he would often make me feel bad for being quiet in new or uncomfortable situations (even though we are both listeners and equally to blame), and in general compare me to my more extroverted and lively family. As an insecure person, this made me slightly more insecure, but I plowed through, giving him my all and treating him with so much respect, love, spontaneous gifts, kisses, and what have you, and tried to change to become a better fiancee. He is basically an emotionless guy, his love for me was never expressed in words, but more so through his actions (taking me to dinner, paying for small items, listening to my problems) etc.

    Over time however, he got more stressed due to social problems from feeling neglected by friends. He also was worried that his chances of getting into med school were slim. When he finally got an interview, he only focused on the negative in that scenario and would self deprecate about himself being a loser and having no friends and that everyone else was rich and perfect etc etc. “I only got one interview, I’m such a failure” .

    I took on sort of a motherly role and helped him through these struggles which lasted months and are still going on.
    Over time though, he would take out his frustrations on me: I was never enough for him. My teeth were a major turn off and I needed to get them fixed, my photos weren’t as attractive as the real thing “not all angles are worth sending”/ “maybe I just have a low libido”, I wasn’t fluent enough in his “comfort” home language although I expressed that I was trying to learn and that it would take lots of time.

    He hid the fact that I have hearing loss from his father for months, as though it was a taboo subject. When his family finally found out, he was so scared and nervous and started overreacting about the chance of my and his future children inheriting it (its just a moderate loss, nothing else). His father started poking fun at intermarriage and the issues it could cause (my parents are cousins, so I guess he was mocking that intermarriage was still in practice and thus I was a byproduct of such a catastrophe).

    My ex asked for my genetic tests repeatedly, wanting to see what genes I carried and what possible diseases I could pass on. When I was depleted and upset about this and withdrew, he got angry that I had ignored his calls and texts and told me that I needed to stop withdrawing from him anytime I was bothered.
    So small incidents like this were more commonplace, and it got to a point where every other week these same couple issues that I couldn’t change were cropping up over and over again. I just forgave him every time because I loved him, but it chipped at my self esteem over time.

    A month ago, he wanted to take a break and said that he wanted to explore his options and that I was never engaging enough and that he was bored with me and that he wanted to find someone more clicking. I was of course destroyed. The next day he came back and apologized and said he was just feeling rejection from life and that we would try again. After this recent event, my anxiety was through the roof, i was crying more than I ever have in my life, and I had lost 20 pounds from all my stress. I wasn’t eating a thing!

    But this is when the relationship really went south and finally ended:
    What happened was that about three weeks ago he came over. We had a great time, played board games, even got intimate afterwards.

    The next night, over text just after a silly conversation, he tells me he’s too young and immature for a relationship. Out of the blue.
    I was like “What the hell..are you serious, you can’t just spring that on someone!” He said, “Yes, I can’t maintain a relationship and I don’t wanna get married for at least five more years” (we were engaged and I was discussing wedding plans for the following year). My heart was shattered, I tried to reason and he started self deprecating and saying that I deserved better and that he was narcissistic and a loser and that he wanted his freedoms: the freedom to do random things with his brothers or potentially move far away and not have to deal with all the crap life was throwing at him.

    Now I was plenty used to the self pity by this point, but the fact that he had blatantly told me that I deserved better and that he was narcissistic and young and immature and that he didn’t even have prospects and that he feels like an imposter in the relationship really hit the nail in the coffin for me. This was different. This looked to me like the absolute end.

    I was very upset. He asked me “Why are you sad?” I said “Basically you’re telling me you’re done.” He said “No, but now that you know what’s in my head you can make your own judgment. I went to bed. This was different than all the previous self deprecating night text convos, this one seemed for real, he mentioned that he wanted to reach success then pursue a relationship and that he didn’t want to be with anyone. Then the next day I cried to my parents and they saw the texts with their own eyes: they were furious that he had done this.

    Hours later I texted a long and respectful breakup message through tears.

    He replied shortly with “No way, I never insinuated I wanted to split. You made it all about you when I was just self-deprecating the whole time. Have my actions never shown you I love you? Yeah I’m young and immature but I can still change, please, you just misunderstood me, you never get me the first time”.
    I was forced into an apology but before that, I exploded a bit and called him delusional and not normal. He love-bombed me and told me to please think about it and that it was all just some misunderstanding. He begged me to stay and told me he had problems but that he still loved me.
    The next morning he woke up MAD. He said, “You called me not normal yesterday, you and your mom and your whole family never think straight; why did you even drag your parents into this? I don’t want to deal with your behavior anymore. Think about what you’ve done.” I was flabbergasted. He then gave me the silent treatment for three days. I broke the silence after a day because it was childish to me and I wanted to just talk. He insulted me when I retracted my apology (for calling him delusional) because I realized I had been too kind and I wanted to stand up for myself. That is when he got very violent and abusive and called me very bad things and insulted my intelligence. I was rude, completely lost, beyond repair, and he felt indifferent towards me, saying that I was acting like a boss woman and that me calling him “toxic” was just me and my “stupid buzzwords from TikTok”. THIS is when I finally ended it for good. He immediately tried to switch back to the love bombing to bring me back, but that didn’t work. Then he tried to guilt me, saying, Just remember that you’re going to end a man’s entire engagement just over a few texts and stuff like that. Omg. Just a whirlwind.

    I can’t help myself from going back over the old texts. I don’t want to make excuses for him but I love him so much and I keep thinking to myself, maybe it was just self-deprecation, maybe he really does love me, maybe this really DID have nothing to do with me.. my heart and head are being pulled in opposite directions! And recently I heard from his younger brother that my ex is so butthurt over the whole thing and never truly wanted to leave me. I have no idea what to do. I just want to be able to sleep and eat again.

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    December 23, 2022 at 7:49 am #1117292

    Omg. I don’t have the words right now to describe what this piece of shit was doing to you. I hope golfergal chimes in.

    But high-level, this guy is an abusive shitbag who sought out someone with your personality type to be a punching bag. Please don’t try to go back to him. I understand he can probably be nice and sweet sometimes, but so can all abusers. They’re not ALWAYS telling you you’re worthless, but the fact that they do at all… that’s abuse, plain and simple. This guy has really done a number on you, and this latest thing with the breakup was ramping it up to a new level of emotional cruelty and manipulation. I think you should read up on abuse and also try to talk to a counselor or therapist about what you’ve been through and how to protect yourself.

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    PassingBy
    December 23, 2022 at 8:38 am #1117293

    You might love him, but it doesn’t like he makes you happy.
    It’s completely possible to love someone who isn’t right for you.

    A person who says things like this isn’t right for anyone:
    ‘My teeth were a major turn off and I needed to get them fixed, my photos weren’t as attractive as the real thing “not all angles are worth sending”‘

    He has shown that he will say anything to get you to do what he wants. You can’t assume anything he says is actually true.
    Saying things like “Just remember that you’re going to end a man’s entire engagement just over a few texts and stuff like that” shows that he refuses to acknowledge the ACTUAL problems in the relationship.

    Finally, I know internet strangers always leap to “dump him”, but the moment violence is involved, it is never worth it to stay, or give someone another chance.

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    Anonymousse
    December 23, 2022 at 9:11 am #1117294

    I agree with the others. You’re better off without him. He was so abusive and breaking you down. Violence is never, ever okay. Please look into therapy as Kate suggested.

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    golfer.gal
    December 23, 2022 at 10:10 pm #1117299

    Oh my god. Yeah, this is textbook abuse. Passingby is right, someone who loves you would never, ever say you have to get your teeth fixed before you are loveable or criticize a photo of you. There is so much gaslighting, lying, and manipulation going on here. There’s also a reason you’re second guessing yourself and badly missing him – emotional abuse is designed to make you feel dependent on that person and trauma bonding occurs. And of course he’s saying he “never truly wanted to leave you”, he didn’t think you’d have the self esteem to leave him. The same thing with the threats to ditch you because you “dragged your parents into this” – he wants you isolated from anyone who will see his abuse for what it is and try to protect you. Also minimizing the abuse and putting it back on you i.e. you’re ending the engagement over a few texts. Nope. Please, take a look around http://www.thehotline.org and check out the writing of Lundy Bancroft, pick up his book “Why Does He Do That” – it will explain a lot of this.

    You did the absolute right thing by breaking up with him. It’s also a risky time, abusers become dangerous when they realize they’ve lost control of you. You’ve seen firsthand when the love bombing turns into vitriol. I am hoping you are not living with this man, if you are then you need to contact local resources asap. If you’re afraid he’ll get violent, or he threatens to, call your local domestic violence hotline and go to the police. Even if you aren’t living with him, stay vigilant – lock your doors, carry an alarm and pepper spray, etc. Cut all contact with him and his family/friends, resist his attempts to get back into your life, and start counseling right away. Tell your friends and family what has been going on and enlist their help – stay somewhere else for the holidays if you can. Your gut is screaming that this man is bad news, listen to it.

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He never told me he loved me..but his actions were enough?

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