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Dear Wendy

“He Says He Doesn’t Know ‘What We Are’”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “He Says He Doesn’t Know ‘What We Are'”

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  • #848140 Reply
    Dear WendyDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “I have fallen for a guy who is a couple years older then me and we spend a lot of time together but I have a problem. My Crush knows I have a crush on him and he’s a sweetheart. We get along great and he is my best friend. He met my family an he took me swimming and we got ice cream together and he paid. He’s super protective of me and I told him I wanted one of his shirts so he gave me his favorite shirt and when we hang out he holds my hand and kisses me. The thing that makes me need advice is the fact he acts like he’s a boyfriend but when I ask him ‘what are we’ he says “I don’t know” but he flirts with me hardcore and he smiles every time we talk or see each other. My crush compliments me and keeps asking to take me on a date but I’m scared of a broken heart. What do I do? Can you please help?”

    #848142 Reply

    If you won’t go on a date with him, it seems reasonable for him to not be ready to define your relationship. Go on some dates with him.

    #848143 Reply

    Oh, good grief. Seriously? Go on a fucking date already. Jesus. Damn. Christ. How do people like you even function?

    #848147 Reply

    From what you describe, I don’t know what you are. No dates, apparently no sex suggests you can’t be bf/gf. It sounds like you have a crush on someone you treat as a platonic friend and this friend has made a push to be bf/gf, but you have shot him down. You don’t get to be bf/gf before you actually date and get to know each other. Getting to know each other as a dating couple is not the same as getting to know each other as just friends. What you personally are is totally confused and conflicted. If you are that afraid of a broken heart, you’ll never have a bf/relationship. Nobody who is speaking the truth can ever answer the ‘what are we?’ question pre-dating. If you are looking for someone who will ease your anxieties by telling you that upfront, you aren’t going to like the sort of lying guys you wind up dating. THERAPY! Wow! We’ve had some weird letters lately, but yours is in the lead for wierdest.

    #848149 Reply

    Right, this makes no sense, for all the reasons mentioned. Unless you’re 12 and he’s 19, just go on a date. Then you’ll be, wait for it, dating.

    #848150 Reply
    Kate B.Kate B.

    You risk a broken heart simply by existing in this world. You will survive it and move on. But you will never have a relationship unless you go on a date.

    #848151 Reply

    Right now, you are a person he would like to take on a date. That’s all.

    The problem with crushes is that the person with the crush gets way, way, way ahead of the person they have the crush on. You’re picking out wedding gowns in your head, he’s looking forward to a first date with someone who maybe, possibly, could be a potential girlfriend.

    Go on the date. See how it goes. Let go of the fantasy, get to know what he’s really like.

    #848163 Reply

    Either go on the date and become “dating” or risk nothing and watch him find a lady who will date him. Don’t you think that would hurt a bit? Of course there’s risk of a broken heart but without risk there is no reward.

    #848178 Reply

    What in the world?! He’s asking you on dates, you won’t go, and still you’re asking him, “What are we?”

    Have some agency in your own life, for chrissakes. It doesn’t matter how old you are. You want him to define everything while you passively sit there?! Being “protective” is something you’re looking for in a guy?! If you had some sense of personal power, you wouldn’t feel like you needed “protecting.” C’mon, be an equal.

    Do write back and say how old you both are though.

    #848184 Reply

    How old are you? If you’re a teenager, then you might want to consider whether you’re ready to date or not. If you’re older, then you either need to go on a date with him or not. If you only date someone when you guarantee you won’t be broken-hearted, then you will be single literally forever.

    #848186 Reply

    this is striking me as an inappropriate age difference situation. she is declining because she knows it’s weird, but likes the guy and is hoping he will say some magic words to let her know she’s special. It probably isn’t easy to *run* but at least shut this shit down.

    #848187 Reply

    Since when is two years an inappropriate age difference?

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