Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

He ‘slow faded’ after 2 dates. Should I message again?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice He ‘slow faded’ after 2 dates. Should I message again?

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  • #1036449 Reply
    avatarSleepless
    Participant

    I met this guy online, we messaged everyday for a week, then had a first date. I felt it went well, he asked me on a second date. He continued to messaged me daily and he would almost always start the conversation. We seemed to have a lot in common and he seemed in to me. His elderly grandmother passed away (This is confirmed I saw posts on his Instagram). He went went quiet for 3 days and I thought he’d ghosted but he came back and apologised for not messaging sooner. I thought fair enough due to the grandmother passing. After that he messaged me first and we chatted a lot for a week but could t meet up as I went away to see family interstate. I then suggested a second date. He agreed to it straight away but then suddenly took hours to reply each time whilst organising the date which was very out of character. We went on the second date. He messaged me straight after the date about a series we’d talked about. The next day few days I started the messaging and it always fell flat. Now he hasn’t messaged for a week.

    I know it was only two dates but I really felt a connection and there was a lot of messaging in between, far more than anyone else I’ve met online and I’ve online dated a lot.

    Should I just message him to say hello? He’s likely just lost interest in me but what if there’s just something else going on in his life and things take off again?

    He is 29 years old. He told me he got out of a serious relationship a year ago, is looking for a relationship and just started online dating recently. We haven’t had sex.

    #1036481 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Nope, don’t bother. You may have felt a connection but he’s signaling that either he’s no longer feeling it or something else is taking his attention.

    #1036482 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    No, you should let it go. After the second date you reached out multiple times, you said, and it fell flat and you stopped hearing from him. This was what I think of as a polite fade. He wasn’t it feeling it like you were, but gave it a second chance. Now he’s moved on. In dating I don’t think anyone owes you, nor should you expect, an honest admission that they’re not into you after 1 or 2 dates. It would be nice, sure, but people don’t usually do that because sometimes the person on the receiving end of the rejection flips out. The fade is your answer. This is done.

    #1036500 Reply
    avatarktfran
    Participant

    I agree with @kate and @listforleslie. I remember the few times I tried on-line dating. There were a couple of people I liked and we messaged or texted a lot. I went on one date and then something felt off. In the moment, I said I’d do a second and then reconsidered. Each time, I’d send a nice text saying I wasn’t into it. I don’t remember how I worded it. Each time, I received nasty texts back. TOTALLY CONFIRMING MY CHOICE NOT TO GO ON A SECOND DATE!!! Anyway, I should have just stopped answering.

    #1036518 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    Yeah, this is how people break things off after a small number of dates. When I was dating during the days of phone calls if you called a woman after a date and she didn’t call you back that was her way of saying she wasn’t interested.

    #1036521 Reply
    avatarSleepless
    Participant

    Dating is just hard in general. For the first time in a long time I felt like something could really work out. I suppose I was thinking maybe if he’s been distracted by someone else or just a rush of a lot of female attention suddenly if he hasn’t dated much/ been online, if I waited a while longer and messaged to say hi, something could develop if he’s no longer distracted by other things. Or what do I really have to lose if I send him a message in a month or so time if I’m still thinking about him.

    #1036550 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You can do that, but I promise you nothing will come of it. What you’ll lose is a month of your life thinking about this guy who’s not interested. We’ve all been in this exact situation, unfortunately.

    #1036565 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    If you reach out in a month, you’ll likely get a polite, delayed reply that he’s been really busy or his ex is back in the picture. And then nothing. He knows how to get in touch with you, and guys just don’t let someone go that they’re excited about.

    #1036584 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I think the last point Kate made is what you need to be aware of. If he liked you, you would know it and he would have reached out. The not responding to you is a response- He is no longer interested. This is just how it goes. Move on. Trust me that men make it well known when they want to see you again.

    You can reach out but prepare yourself for either no response or a polite deflection. The former being more likely. The no more responding thing is, in and of itself, an answer.

    #1036597 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    I think you could message him one more time, but don’t expect anything to come from it. If you message him, it needs to be from the mindset of “This is one of several people I have-dated/am-dating. This guys can’t be your only option. It’s *possible* that something has come up that has made him unable to reply, though that’s unlikely. Most likely is he’s just slow fading out of politeness, even if it is somewhat missplaced.

    *Definitely* *Do* *Not* wait weeks or months to try again. If you’re still having feelings at that point, well, that’s on you.

    #1036637 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    Also, you may sometimes have a subjective experience that you had a great date or have a good connection with someone that is not shared by the other person. I know that it’s frustrating that it’s so, but that’s how people are.

    #1036638 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    If he were distracted by job or family or whatever he’d have given you the courtesy of giving you an excuse as to his inattentiveness.

    His mind isn’t going to change in a month.

    You don’t know (and don’t need to know) what happened. It won’t be helpful. What makes one person all hot and bothered is what turns another person off. It could be something petty like you wore a ponytail to something weird like you reminded him of his first cousin, to something serious like you used a slur. I’m assuming it wasn’t the last one, but the point is he doesn’t owe you an explanation and while it would be a courtesy to explicitly say “I’m not feeling it.” that’s not going to happen. You have enough information to move on and find your lobster elsewhere.

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