“He Uses His Teenager as an Excuse Not To See Me. Should I Move On?”
- This topic has 7 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 1 month ago by
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From a LW:
“I found your website and FB page and thought I would tell you a little about my “relationship” and see if you could give me your take on it. I’m 40 (f) and met a 46-year-old guy online. Before he contacted me, he knew I was looking for someone spontaneous, who enjoyed road trips, being social and bonus if he enjoyed wine. We met after a few email exchanges and he was very nice and we had a lot to talk about. It’s been three months now since that first date.
He has a 16-year-old son who lives with him and my children are young adults who have moved out and have their own independent lives. After three months, we are only seeing each other one night a week and he prefers it to be a Friday after work. He spends Saturday at home relaxing and watching a movie or a hockey game. Sundays are spent cleaning and getting ready for the upcoming week.
I have meet his son, father and best friend and other friends. He has meet no one in my life. He always has an excuse when I try and plan something where he will meet my friends. He always has excuses for not getting together other than that one night a week. His biggest excuse that we can’t go out is that he doesn’t want his 16-year-old home alone for a couple of hours “staring at the walls.” We can not meet up during the week for dinner because of that reason, we can not go out for dinner without his son for that reason, and he can’t go for lunch with me and my friends because he has to make sure his son eats a good lunch.
He refers to me as his girlfriend but I can’t refer to him as my boyfriend because I don’t feel that the commitment is there if we can only see each other once a week and everything is on his terms. I have discussed this with him and he says it’s not the case, although it is the case. I know he cares for me as I do him but I also feel like I’m not a priority and that he doesn’t have time for a relationship. It’s been confusing because I have his undivided attention when I’m with him and he’s very sweet to me. Am I expecting to much to soon or is this truly a bad sign?”
The two of you aren’t on the same page. You’ve tried to talk to him about he, he brushed it off and told you that you were wrong about your own valid feelings and perceptions. You’re just not a good match.
Are you sure he isn’t married or something? 16 year-old boys typically eat lunch at school so not even being able to go out to lunch is …..strange to say the least. He obviously only wants a relationship on his terms and that’s ok, but you deserve to have a relationship that meets your needs.
Have you been to his house? I think he’s married.
Regardless of what he is or is not doing, you aren’t happy and he won’t give you what you want. You’re old enough to know you need to move on.
Have you been to his house? I think he’s married.
Regardless of what he is or is not doing, you aren’t happy and he won’t give you what you want. You’re old enough to know you need to move on.
You are absolutely correct in recognizing that he is not your bf. The explanation that you give for his inability to go out to dinner with you makes no sense. A sixteen-year-old can be alone for an evening, let alone for only two hours. That’s old enough to babysit for other peoples’ kids for a whole evening. It really does sound like he’s married or has another gf he spends more time with, but if married it is strange that you’ve met his son. You say that he calls you his gf — did he label you as gf in front of his son? I’d expect the son to mention you to his mother. Perhaps the other woman is a serious gf, rather than a wife, and the son is accustomed to his father having multiple gfs. The odds of this guy being exclusive with you seem to be nil.
Let’s say that he is committed to being your boyfriend. OK. So what? You’re not getting what you need out of this relationship. The first few months are supposed to be all about the butterflies and showing your best self. He’s already shown you that he’s committed to his routine. He’s not spontaneous. He’s given you one day a week. And the same day every week. You’re Friday Night. Not Saturday, not Saturday night, not Sunday Brunch, not Tuesday concert, not Thursday movie. You’re Friday Night. That’s it.
If that’s good enough for you – great! If not… MOA.
Assuming that when you met his father, best friend and other friends they were at least introduced to you as a romantic interest, I don’t think he’s married. He’s trying you on for size, and he’s keeping things normal for his son. I don’t see this as awful, he’s just making sure he’s serious before enmeshing lives.
You want to see him more frequently.
He is not willing to do that.If you’re okay with that, keep dating him.
If not, break up.Whether he’s using his son as an excuse or not doesn’t really change the situation.
