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Dear Wendy

Heartbroken over my ex best friend

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Heartbroken over my ex best friend

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  • #1099036 Reply
    Icantstopcrying
    Guest

    So I had this friend of 8 years that I was closer to than my own sister. 2 months before our high school graduation, she had cut me off over a petty argument. What had happened was we paid some kid to do an assignment. I paid him in full, she never paid me back but was out with her boyfriend(who never paid for her) every single day so I confronted her about it asking why she could be spending all this money with him but can’t pay me back and she went off on me. Saying I’m a bad friend, proceeded to say “fuck that fat bitch” in front of our friends, amongst other things. During that same argument she mocked the guy I was talking to at the time(she knew better than I did & I wish I listened) so I told her that her boyfriend was cheating on her(he was, the guy I was talking to was best friends with her boyfriend’s ex and had receipts of him cheating) She then blocked me on everything. Other than that, throughout our friendship I often did more for her than she did for me. She had a car & lived down the block from me, so I would walk to and from her house everyday to catch a ride for school and she charged me for it. We would also constantly argue over the smallest things, but we were together literally all the time so that definitely was a factor. She transferred schools to be with me, and we were inseparable. We went to school together, worked together, and if we weren’t at school or working we were with each other. Her family treated me like family, my family treated her like family. We grew together. The day of our graduation, she had told my mom to congratulate me, and my mom told me when we got home. I immediately bursted into tears & completely lost it, then I made a pact with myself to move forward and to never think about her again. I never did, until 6 months later at a friend’s Christmas party I saw her. I was out on the balcony smoking with her and her boyfriend, and I don’t remember much because I was drunk but what I do remember was me starting to get emotional, and when she left I told her boyfriend that she was the one who cut me off and he goes “I know she can be really petty”. The next day, she followed me on Instagram again. I wasn’t sure how to feel. Then a little while after that, we were in a group chat with out mutual friends. A member of my family was caught in a scandal where we live, and she knew this family member because like I said she was literally my family. She sent something about him in the group chat in front of our other friends, and I had no idea how to react or if I should have defended him because I didn’t even know what he was being accused of. Naturally I was upset that she aired out my business, but looking back she was trying to get my attention but didn’t know how. I got mad at her, told her we’re not friends anymore for her to be up in my business, blocked her on everything. Now fast forward to covid and going remote. We were attending the same college, completely different majors. She was majoring in sports science & I was majoring in finance. Also a large university, but we had the same bio class. I was getting upset with the universe and felt like I couldn’t escape her. What were the chances???? November 2020, she moves down south to her father that she doesn’t have a good relationship with to pursue the dream I told her about. Her father & brother were in the field, so she has lots of help. Anyway, about 6 months ago she ended showing up in my dreams nightly. Psychologically it was torture, but it made me reflect on our friendship and how much I truly miss her. Now I literally can’t think about her without sobbing. I miss her dearly. I feel like we were platonic soulmates. I don’t know what to do, if I should reach out or not. A mutual friend had told me that she talked a lot of shit about me but when we were friends she would talk horribly about her own parents. Would you forgive someone like that? I feel like anything she said was out of anger, I know her better than she knows herself and I know she’s hurting too. She knew me better than my own mother did, and better than I did. Thinking about how we won’t be there for each other’s milestones makes me incredibly emotional. Please advise me on what to do. This is the worst heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. It’s been almost 3 years and she’s the only person from my past that I haven’t been able to let go of. I just don’t know if I should forgive her or not.

    #1099037 Reply
    Tui
    Participant

    I think you should concentrate on whatever else is happening in your life at the moment, as all these events are in the past and sound pretty toxic on both sides. If it’s 3 years since you were friends, you really don’t know much about her and what she’s thinking now and whether she misses you. You can forgive her in your thoughts, but I just don’t think you’ll get the reaction you want if you contact her.

    I can’t say I have any close friends from when I was in school or university anymore, and it’s just how life turned out after embarking on an intense career and moving countries. There’s definitely people I wished I’d treated better and stayed in touch with, but that’s life. TV and movie characters seem to have these amazing lifelong friendship groups, but not all of us will have that and it’s ok.

    #1099043 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    This was a toxic relationship, it was unbalanced, and it was actually so shaky that a stupid disagreement over money, or a low-quality guy, could come between you and wreck it.

    I think maybe your romanticization of this relationship reflects your desire to go back to a simpler time in your life, when maybe you felt a certain way. There’s some kind of hole in your life now that you’re trying to fill, and you are looking backward and thinking somehow if you could get this friendship back, it would make you feel better.

    So what do you think you REALLY want or need? It’s definitely not the reality of this friendship, which was super toxic, and it’s not really to go back to a time when you paid someone to do your homework (gross, btw) and were close to people who called you fat (also gross), and fought over cheating loser boys.

    It’s time to move on from all that, but you’re looking backward not forward. If you were really to try to rekindle this friendship, it would be just as toxic as before. I think you’re better off getting connected with a therapist at school and trying to figure out what you’re really missing in life and how to go after it.

    #1099045 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    You called out a lot of toxic behavior and I’m not sure why you’d want someone in your life who demeaned you, used you and then threw you away when you stood up for yourself.

    Some friendships don’t last. It’s a sad but real truth. I’ve been dropped by friends, and I’ve dropped friends. You’re always going to have the “what if” or “I wonder what they’re doing now” and it’s ok to be curious. The current obsession will pass.

    Lastly, and I don’t say this dismissively, you and your ex friend are still young. There is still a lot of drama in your respective lives. It’s nice to imagine that your ex friend has grown or matured in the three years – I remember my late teens/early 20’s and there was still a LOT of drama. That shit didn’t diminish until late 20’s. So while I’d love to say that maybe she’s grown a little, I think you need to let that percolate and stew a bit more. It’s also likely that by that time, you no longer care to look back and can keep moving forward.

    #1099050 Reply
    Icantstopcrying
    Guest

    Might I also add, she’s still with him until this day. I also didn’t mention a huge reason I’m so attached to her is because of the amount of trauma(family issues) I was going through during the duration of our friendship. She was all I had. Also the months before us ending things were rocky because that was when she had gotten into her relationship. She put him first and completely disregarded me. To be quite honest I don’t even really know why I feel this way. It’s not like me to not be able to let go of what isn’t serving me anymore. Also, I kind of have an idea of how she feels now because I’ve been told from mutual friends she hasn’t changed at all since we graduated. I can’t say the same, I finally got my diagnosis for adhd & anxiety my first year of college & have been on a spiritual journey since. I am nowhere near the same person I was when I last spoke to her. This has to be one of the hardest things I’ve been through. With all that other trauma you’d think I’m resilient but when it comes to her I can’t be. To me friendships are just as important as romantic relationships. I truly loved her. Not in romantic way, again she was practically my sister. It’s not uncommon for me to love people a lot more than they will ever love me, but I never seem to learn. I’ve been in therapy too for almost 2 years now, but literally nothing is working. Also I didn’t add that 6 months prior to us officially parting ways we actually didn’t speak for 2 months. Again, she cut me off because of her boyfriend. I had the pride to contact her and tell her I miss her and if she wanted to go out for coffee or something, and she agreed but brought her boyfriend with her. She had told me she missed me a lot. I don’t even know at this point I feel like I’m just rambling. But I needed to let it out. I have no one to talk to anymore because of how much I’ve isolated myself. I’m constantly crying every single day and it’s so draining. Thank you to anyone who leaves me advice. You have no idea how much you’re helping me.

    #1099051 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    So I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older that one thing people don’t talk about much is friend break-ups — even though they can really hurt!

    What everyone else is saying about how this friendship was toxic is spot on. Doesn’t seem like either of you brought out the good in in the other at all. And as with romantic relationships, feeling sad that someone is no longer a part of your life or missing them is not a sign you should accept them back into it. This friendship sounds like it’s better left in the past. You can forgive her without getting sucked back into a dramatic friendship.

    You don’t really say how your life is going right now. Are you feeling lonelier than usual? I imagine COVID has made your college experience different than what you might’ve imagined it would be like. My advice would be to put your energy into your life as it is now without her in it — doing well in school, cultivating new and existing friendships, joining a student organization if that’s possible.

    #1099052 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    Oh, I think I missed the second update here. I think what you’re feeling now is more the result of isolation/loneliness and not a sincere desire to have this friendship as it existed back. You want to feel close to someone and she was the last person you felt that for even though the friendship was toxic.

    It’s good that you’re in therapy. If you feel like it isn’t working, it may be time to try a different therapist or style of therapy.

    #1099053 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Ok yeah, so this is definitely not about the reality of this friendship and what it was or wasn’t. It’s about your past and your emotional health. Something you’re trying to get back that you’re missing. And whatever’s going on with you that makes you give too much. If you’re not getting anywhere with your current therapist, think about switching.

    #1099058 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    You don’t have to demonstrate your resilience by keeping toxic people in your life. You demonstrate your resilience by establishing healthy boundaries, and continuing to move forward and grow.

    Resilience is saying “shitheads gonna be shitheads” and removing them from your life.

    #1099065 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    A good deal of this may be a friendship outgrown and turning toxic, but the driver seems to be the friend’s controlling bf who wanted to break up their friendship.

    #1099066 Reply
    Icantstopcrying
    Guest

    Thank you everyone. You have no idea how much your responses helped. I overthink a lot clearly, and I just kind of was thinking that maybe we didn’t know how to handle conflict at the time. I felt like I’ve grown so much mentally since then but I also feel like I barely grew at all. Very weird period of my life right now. It’s funny because one of you had mentioned how my life has changed because of covid and I never really thought too hard about it until now. I had told my sister this morning that I didn’t realize how much covid affected me and my college experience and she said that she’s convinced covid ruined a lot for her as well. I’m in my third year at a commuter college with no friends at all. I went remote a month and a half into my second semester. It’s already difficult as is to meet people on a commuter campus and covid made everything worse. Most of the student organizations are remote and I was only able to find one club to join. Everything happens for a reason and I know what’s meant for me will never miss me but I don’t know. I never thought about it because when she dropped me I was okay with it, I was very aware of how poorly she treated me so it was a relief at first. Now I’m not sure, but it stems from my trauma, again. A lot of it was from my mom so my self worth is ALL types of messed up. It’s the reason I overanalyze my relationships and often accept poor treatment.

    #1099067 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    So a lot of it is probably that you’re going through this strange time and you’re lonely. You didn’t go to a live-away college, which I can relate to. I went to a college I could commute to, and chose not to live there because I just couldn’t handle the dorm situation, I needed a sleep schedule, and quiet, and just wasn’t ready for that. So as a result, I didn’t develop a social life at school, and kept hanging out with my high school friends. And my HS boyfriend, who I ended up marrying (it didn’t last).

    But I mean, you probably can make friends with other kids at your college. You would have to come out of your shell probably and make an effort to talk to people, maybe even join some clubs or something. It’s not the easiest thing to socialize if you have to drive back and forth, but it could be done. Have you tried? It could be there’s something I’m missing about the Covid situation, but it seems like you could meet people at school. What do you think?

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