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Hello all from Robert

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  • #1082735 Reply
    Robert123
    Participant

    I tried to find my earlier thread, but several links that I found to it seem to be broken, so I started a new thread so I can communicate. I hope that is okay.

    I know it has been a long time since i checked in here. There are a number of reasons for that, though I still feel bad. For one, my mother passed away over the summer. Not due to covid 19, thankfully, but to heart failure. My father is doing, not great, but decently well. I have not done much because of the pandemic. Most of Christmas was way scaled back, I went to just a few of the better light shows, where I could stay in my car. Most parades were cancelled, though a few still went on. Makes no sense to me as to why, but there is no way I was going into large crowds. I did see a few fireworks shows last summer, but only ones that I could see from my car, for the same reason.

    On the dating front, I went invisible last June, right before the start of surge #2, and that is something I feel awful about, in a way. Part of me feels as though I let everyone down on here, for how you all tried to help, especially Wendy with the assistance in the profile rewrite. The last straw was my messaging with someone right before who was quite needy. It was time for a break, and two days later covid 19 numbers exploded in my county. People still want to meet in person during all of this, which makes no sense to me, but I will return when things get under control, which I really hope will be during 2021. Between the pandemic, more bad experience messaging, and my mother passing away, I kind of became withdrawn for a while, which is partly why I neglected to pop in here.

    I do hope to do some kind of therapy before I start dating again. I have some money on the side, and as long as the auto mechanics leave it alone I shouldn’t have a problem. I’m to the point, to be honest, that the only thing I gain from a communication with a new match is the fear that they will exit, because they have done so 100% of the time and I can’t get that to abate.

    I just wanted to say hi. I’ll try not to be a stranger.

    #1082886 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh Robert, I’m so sorry you lost your mom. That’s awful.

    Don’t feel bad about anything you didn’t do during the pandemic, including dating or posting here. All you needed to do was survive. Did you get the vaccine?

    I wouldn’t have dated during this either. No effing way would I want to meet strangers in person before getting vaccinated, and I would hate video dates.

    Please just look into getting therapy. Take the first step of calling the number on your health insurance card to find out if you’re eligible for some sessions with just a copay. I’d be surprised if they don’t offer mental health resources. You lost a parent and you’ve just been through a traumatic and isolating year and a half. Talk to someone!

    The next step would be to ask the person on the phone for a list of therapists in your area accepting new patients. And then the next step would be to call a few of them and leave messages. I can even tell you what to say.

    Honestly, forget dating. Just take care of yourself. Your top priorities are your health and your job. If you gained weight during the pandemic (I did), it’s time to get out and move around outdoors and eat better. Read books and watch shows you love. Spend time with your dad (please tell me you’re both vaxxed).

    Just look after yourself.

    #1082938 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I’m so sorry Robert. Please take care of yourself and your dad during this year of firsts (first xx without mom…). Withdrawal is a natural reaction and you should not feel bad about it at all. Grieving is a process, it differs for each person and each person has their own timeline).

    Therapy is a good idea and with your mom’s passing, it adds a bunch of things to your list of things with which to work through.

    Also, don’t be surprised if you find yourself overwhelmed or suddenly sad for no reason or out of the blue. It happens. It’s normal, take a moment, and just ride it out and you’ll be ok.

    #1083012 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Robert, has the process of online dating or speed dating ever made you happy in any way? If there have been parts of it that brought you joy, that’s something to think about. But if it just made you miserable – don’t do it anymore. It’s okay to stop. Do things that make you happy. Or, do things that make you feel better about yourself, not worse.

    #1083051 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    Hi Robert! I’m glad you checked in. I’m very sorry to hear about your mom and echo the sentiments here that I hope you can start working with a therapist soon. Take good care of yourself!

    #1083362 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    Hi Robert,
    Kudos, rather than regret or shame, for not dating during the pandemic.

    Practically the entire world, especially social life for rational people, has been on pause for 15 months and likely will stay partially paused for 2-3 more months. That gives all the uncoupled a chance for a fresh start. It also gives you a couple months to work on yourself through therapy. Make good use of the time.

    Best of luck to you going forward. I’m sorry you had to deal with the death of your mother during such a difficult time. That’s a lot to add on top of the dark year we’ve all lived through, some of us more fortunately than others. It must have been an especially tough year for the uncoupled.

    You’ve made it through and are soon to come out the other side into the light of something close to normalcy. Give yourself a hug and set the course you want to follow. It’s times like the past year which really cut through the fluffy nonsense and allow us to recognize the things which are most important to us.

    #1084068 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    Hi and just wanted to repeat that you not dating during the pandemic shows great good sense and not any kind of failure. Glad you were able to enjoy some of the light shows and parades from the safety of your car. It just occurred to me, that you really do seem to have a love for these shows, do you think when the pandemic slowly draws to a close and these events begin again, it might be worthwhile looking into volunteering (I’m sure they need stewards and so forth,( or there may be a design committee seeking feedback from audiences) – could even be paid work,) so you can meet up with other people who share this enthusiasm? Not saying you’ll find a match there, but every person you meet knows a whole lot of other people, some of whom may be single and looking.

    #1089239 Reply
    Robert123
    Participant

    Thank you all for the kind words. It wasn’t the not dating in and of itself that I feel bad about, it was the idea of all the advice you offered, and especially Wendy’s assistance with the profile rewrite, then I took myself off the market before the intended results could be obtained. Though, I have to admit, this is the one time in my life when I am glad I am single, given all of the indirect contacts (via my girlfriend/wife) that could have happened.

    I plan to go back to the therapist I started with before the pandemic. She was still doing sessions by telephone, but I didn’t continue since I wouldn’t have been dating anyway. I’ll probably restart before the 4th sometime. The earliest I could see myself doing any kind of dating would be August, I’d basically have to see that the superspreader crowds of the 4th does not cause an outbreak, even if I am fully vaccinated.

    As of right now, I have not been vaccinated, not because I don’t want it, but I did not want to be a guinea pig in the first half of the year, but now enough people have gotten it that I feel it is safe. I do want the Moderna one, specifically, and that seems to be the least available in my area, and those have been the hardest appointments to get. I am registered in the portal, though, so I’ll be setting up an actual appointment this week.

    Robert, has the process of online dating or speed dating ever made you happy in any way?

    Partially yes, to the extent that I do enjoy getting to know a new match online, and the conversation during speed dating, especially if we have a few things in common. What discourages me is the revolving door, and the ghosting, and the wanting phone calls and dates when they have no interest in going past the first one (call or date). Then, my disgust (beyond the discouragement) comes from not being able to find out what I am doing wrong, only being told the lame and generic “I felt no connection”, instead of something that I can do something with to improve myself. It just takes out any initial joy I used to get, replaced with fear of when, not if, it will end.

    One thing that did occur to me, though, since the last time I was on here, was that I did run up against similar situations in my 20s, but I did get to actually date enough people, even if only for a couple of months (with the exception of my 20 month relationship), that perhaps it was part of the process. I’m under no illusion that there will be a second date with *every* woman, but I’m not sure what the point is in just getting first dates. I’m tired of being treated like a piece of merchandise that just keeps getting put back up on the shelf, instead of a human being with feelings.

    It just occurred to me, that you really do seem to have a love for these shows, do you think when the pandemic slowly draws to a close and these events begin again, it might be worthwhile looking into volunteering (I’m sure they need stewards and so forth,( or there may be a design committee seeking feedback from audiences) – could even be paid work,)

    LOL I have had a few thoughts in the fringes. Maybe not your idea directly. If I’m too involved behind the scenes, would it take away the joy I get as a spectator? (rhetorical). I don’t think I would mind being a part of a focus group of some sort, though; although, one thing that does perhaps interest me is assisting in programming one of those animated flashing lights shows that is set to music.

    #1089401 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Why the Moderna shot specifically? That’s the one I had, but the Pfizer works the same way and is a tiny bit more effective and even known to be safe for kids.

    No one who took the vaccine was a guinea pig… it was in clinical trials starting in March 2020, so people had been getting it for 9 months even before we started vaccinating high-risk populations. It’s gone through the same rigorous testing and approval process as any medicine. And now hundreds of millions of people in the US have had it. Including everyone commenting here! Oh, and it was in development for many years, apparently, since the SARS outbreak in I think 2003.

    #1089446 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I understand that people think “Wow this was made so fast – it can’t be good science” – but the circumstances were so so so different that it enabled the same level of testing in a short amount of time. Actually more. Tens of thousands of people signed up for each of the trials. Millions of people have successfully taken all of the available products. Hundreds of millions actually.

    The adverse effects are significantly less than other standard medications. The risk/reward ratio is absolutely in your favor.

    As for your dating – it sounds like you have a plan. Maybe you’ll find your unicorn, but I still think you need to adjust your thinking on a successful partnership with a person.

    #1089455 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, here’s your annual reminder that it is not these women’s responsibility to tell you what you’re doing wrong. “I don’t feel a connection” is not “lame and generic,” it’s polite and appropriate. Even if they know exactly why, which they often don’t, they’re not going to tell you that because 👏🏽Men 👏🏽Don’t 👏🏽Take 👏🏽It 👏🏽Well. You can say “not me! I’m different,” but that just shows clearly that you don’t understand the problem for women. Which leads naturally to, you don’t understand women, and that’s a big part of the problem, which is your responsibility to address with professional therapists and dating coaches. Again, NOT women’s responsibility to spoon-feed you.

    #1089468 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    “What discourages me is the revolving door, and the ghosting, and the wanting phone calls and dates when they have no interest in going past the first one (call or date).”

    The point of the calls or dates is to figure out if they want to continue seeing you. It’s not some kind of trick.

    “Then, my disgust (beyond the discouragement) comes from not being able to find out what I am doing wrong, only being told the lame and generic “I felt no connection”, instead of something that I can do something with to improve myself. It just takes out any initial joy I used to get, replaced with fear of when, not if, it will end.”

    People don’t owe you explanations for not wanting to go on second dates. It’s not their job and would subject them to all sorts of constantly angry encounters. You seem like a nice person in some respects, but it’s hard to not get upset at the instrumental view you have of other people, where they exist primarily to the extent that they benefit you, rather than independent people with their own wants, needs, and value.

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