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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Hello all from Robert

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Hello all from Robert

Viewing 12 posts - 145 through 156 (of 196 total)
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  • #1097915 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I have no problem with someone who manages on gig work. It’s frustrating that people have to survive on gig work because businesses have figured out how to skip hiring full time workers but I’ve got no issue with it and I don’t judge the people who manage on gig work or add it to their existing work to make ends meet.

    But there’s the difference between being a boss of your own business and working jobs that are scheduled off of a platform (that platform is, of course, developed and managed in an office – ahem).

    #1097916 Reply
    Peggy
    Guest

    Copa has the best line of this whole thread/saga, Robert has changed nothing but his pants”. A perfect sum up and funny/sad.

    #1097917 Reply
    Vathena
    Guest

    Absolutely there’s nothing wrong with gig work- everyone should do whatever works best for them and helps them pay the bills. But if you’re driving for Doordash, just say so. Don’t claim that you own your own business. That’s misrepresenting yourself, and coming off as deceitful right out of the gate is not going to help you get the girl. (To be absolutely fair to Robert, maybe he doesn’t drive on one of these platforms- I really don’t remember.)

    #1097918 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    I don’t recall what Robert said his job was. I don’t think it was Doordash or UberEats. I don’t think he thinks he’s misrepresenting himself — I think he feels in charge of his schedule and likes the flexibility, which, great! — but plenty of women are going to feel otherwise.

    #1097919 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I think I am the one who recently said he delivers food because that is what I remember although I think he used to maybe deliver other things, too? Not sure.

    #1097920 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Grub Hub.

    And rental cars, which should be more lucrative, because you’re driving the rental cars around, not your own.

    #1097921 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    But the rental car business slowed down in the pandemic.

    #1097980 Reply
    Robert123
    Participant

    There are several things to which I’d like to ultimately respond, but I’d like to focus on something Kate said, that went deep into my head, that explains a few things, going back even 2 decades the more I think about them. I’ve always understood the concepts, but a few things got deep into my spirit.

    Starting with…

    There are undefinable things like mannerisms, their smell, their eyes, that you can only pick up on in person, and if the chemistry and attraction aren’t there – if we can’t imagine making out with them – it’s not going to work.

    I’ll start with a definition, just so we’re on the same page. The word that comes to mind is “lust” to describe this. Now, if my word is wrong, I will gladly rewrite this, changing the one word, but when I use the word “lust” in this discussion, this is what I am referring to.

    As opposed to “love”. which, to me, is far deeper, and takes time. Love, to me, includes things like being able to feel each other’s emotions, being able to count on each other, knowing what the other is thinking…basically, really knowing each other on a deep, emotional, spiritual level, where the 2 hearts start to connect.

    As opposed, again, to “infatuation”, which I think of as the initial euphoria, the intrusive thinking, the butterflies in the stomach, the intrigue…

    Just to clarify how I am using the words in this discussion.

    I seem to feel love and lust the opposite of what Kate described. Serious desires to get physical in the way Kate described happen for me only after I start feeling love. Love has to come first for me.

    That would explain why, with the exception of my 20 month ex, I had trouble getting past the 2-3 month mark. Once I have dated someone enough to start to feel love for the other person, things come to an end, and the physical never happens, beyond some hand holding and maybe some light cuddling.

    Things happened faster with my ex. She did express some minor frustration at times, but at the same time was liking going slow. She was used to things going faster physically, but was liking the idea of us really getting to know each other and building a good foundation (her words). We kissed for the first time about a month after meeting in person, though it was about our 9th or 10th date — and I thought that was quick, but we were deeply in love with each other by that point, so it didn’t seem forced.

    Now I think I get the vibe I am giving off that is causing the women to not feel a “connection” on the first date. We are looking for two different kinds of connections. I see why I am getting frustrated. What I think of as a connection has zero to do with physical; while it can happen on the first date or two, usually averages about 3 or 4 or maybe 5 dates to happen. Then, love (maybe), and if love, then the lust.

    I do not feel what Kate described on the first date.

    Now, I feel as though I should clarify, if I see a random pretty woman on the street, let’s say she’s wearing a pretty dress or something…yes, I do feel “that”…I just wanted to clarify…I think of that as just hormones. Though if we were to talk for a few minutes and we get along well, then, yes, infatuation can happen for me within that short conversation.

    Common ground, such as enjoyment of common things, is my initial attraction to a woman, and overrides anything that is “eye candy”. I will give up a lot inf looks to gain a little bit in common interests without even thinking about it, as, like I said, that is what I am attracted to initially.

    I know a lot of you pointed to things like playing with hair, and the arms around each other, as surface things. And they are, in a sense, but those are part of the “lust” that I feel after I start to feel “love”. It is the feeling of love that I very much miss, and because I associate those gestures with a point at which we are in love, or at least beginning to fall in love, that’s why I feel empty when I see them around me.

    I guess this is why I feel the way I do about phone calls. I focus on the interaction itself, and how we can carry on a conversation. To me, if I can carry on a conversation with the other person, then we can have a good time on a date, and that is how it plays out for me most of the time. I now get what you are saying about the phone call not being able to reveal what you are looking for. For me, though, I need to know that I can carry on a conversation before meeting for the first time. It doesn’t even have to be long. It’s not something I’m doing to “push the other person around” or to “put up hoops”, but I have to get a sense as to how we can interact conversationally before meeting. There has been very little difference, in that regard, between a phone call and a meet, but sometimes a big difference between messaging and a phone call.

    Now, the question becomes, how do I bridge this communication gap, in messaging presumably. But one thing at a time.

    #1097981 Reply
    Robert123
    Participant

    I remember someone I dated for about…well, the magic 2 months, less than a year before I met my ex. It was late October, she was big into haunted houses, and so was I (and still am), and had a lot of other things in common, as well. We actually met at a haunted house, she was there with one of her friends and her boyfriend. We hit it off really well, and our next date was 3 days later, on Halloween itself, we went to another haunted house. Then, we did the Christmas lights, etc. She wasn’t bad looking, though certainly not “conventionally pretty”, and while not “fat”, was a little overweight, but someone I really enjoyed doing things with, and hence I was attracted to her. There really wasn’t that initial spark, at least for me, but once I dated her enough to get to know her enough to start to feel the deeper feelings I need to feel in order to feel the “lust” feelings, she lost interest and pulled back. Hence my frustration that has repeated itself dozens of times in my 20s. Wash, rinse, repeat.

    #1097982 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    No, it’s not lust I’m talking about. It’s not infatuation. It’s simply physical chemistry. And you don’t get it.

    Also want to clarify, these comments we’re making about chemistry aren’t really about you, they’re about the women and why they’re not going out with you again even if you both like haunted houses. It’s because they don’t feel chemistry. Not lust, not infatuation, just like, do I want to be in a room with this person? Could I actually imagine kissing them?

    But yes, it is ~different~ to not be able to imagine kissing someone until you’re already in love. I don’t know how to tackle that one, it’s above my pay grade.

    #1097983 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Robert, as a middle-aged man and a businessperson, you should be able to have a conversation over one drink with literally anyone. And definitely with someone you enjoyed chatting with online.

    #1097989 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Robert, you talk about all these things like you have so much experience and know exactly how things work for you, and women.

    But yet you fundamentally don’t know what chemistry is.

    Good luck, Robert. I really wish you would take this to a therapist.

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