Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › Hello all from Robert
- This topic has 237 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 7 months ago by Miss MJ.
I mean, by his timeline standards no one would ever probably make it to third base before someone gets distracted. People/teenagers and up have been making out in cars since they were invented.
Like his ideas of how love and mutual attraction build, and how it really happens with most people are not right. It’s all made up in Robert’s mind. He has no idea. And I don’t think he’s had sex, ever. I feel like a horrible person writing all of this, anyone thinking I don’t think I’m an asshole. I do.CopaParticipant
I don’t think Robert is an incel. I’ve actually wondered if he’s asexual with a general desire for very specific aspects of a typical romantic relationship, but it’s not something I’m well versed in so my armchair diagnosis is not helpful. What Robert needs is therapy. A lot of it. And a sincere desire to look inward and change, which he does not have. He’s willing to take small steps like read about demisexuality online, but won’t go so far as to speak to a qualified professional who can help him better understand himself and the many, many barriers he’s put up between himself and what he says he wants.PhoebeGuest
Copa, I think the part that makes people think “incel” is that anyone not on Robert’s timeline gets judged. It’s totally okay to want to go slowly. It’s not okay to think people who kiss on a first date are sluts.
Everyone’s banging heads against walls because Robert refuses to see other points of view and is mansplaining why he’s right. He isn’t. But he’ll never see it, he’ll just keep thinking he’s special and no one understands.
Wendy nailed it. Time for him to move on.CopaParticipant
I understand why people are saying it. I’m just saying I don’t think he is. None of it matters, though. It’s been two years and like I said several pages ago, all that’s changed are his pants, which were never the actual problem. All the speculating and armchair diagnoses are useless. He needs to work with a therapist, but he’s not going to.LisforLeslieGuest
I know I said I wasn’t going to add to this thread any more but I have to step in – Robert is not an incel. Judgemental – yes. Incel no. Because an incel means Involuntarily Celibate. So incels get all butt hurt because they think the women they find attractive should sleep with them (not all women mind you, but the women they find attractive because not all women are attractive and they deserve a 10 even if they are a 2) and that any woman who doesn’t sleep with them must be sleeping with someone else and so therefore are sluts.AllornoneGuest
I agree that Robert doesn’t really fall into the “incel” camp. I suppose it could be said he feels entitled to the very specific and, frankly, odd view of how a relationship should progress what it should ultimately be since he’s not willing to make any concessions or compromises to explore beyond that view, but it’s not the same entitlement plaguing the stereotypical incel. I don’t even think that’s that Robert dislikes women or views them as less than people. I really just think he’s incapable of seeing ANYONE elses’ perspective. I’m still not entirely sure he’s not on the autism or Asperger’s spectrum (but realize that’s just an amateur armchair diagnosis and therefore not worth crap). He’s just so wrapped up in his rigid little worldview that he legit can’t see, no matter how many times he’s told, that his ideal is not much different than a little girl dreaming of being a fairy princess and flying off on a unicorn with Prince Charming- a fantasy that is just not how real people and the real world work.
I truly hope he learns to open himself to experiences that are beyond his small visions, and that he learns to be less judgemental and more open to surprises, because relationships aside, he’s going to miss out on a lot of lif.ePhoebeGuest
I should have clarified in my comment that I don’t actually think he’s an incel either. But the Venn diagram definitely has some overlap, although to be fair it may be accidental. But I’m not surprised the term has come up.Miss MJGuest
I’m not going to declare Robert a lost cause. Life is long and weird and takes turns that we don’t expect, so he may well find the relationship he seeks. I will say that his approach to dating is a lost cause and absent real change, I don’t see him being successful. I echo the advice to get real therapy, Robert. Since you like formulas, here’s what a random internet commenter thinks you need to work on:
(1) Understanding that the black and white beliefs you have about yourself, women, men, relationships, work, life…those aren’t shared by other people; in other words, what you consider to be reality is simply not the reality that other people around you are living in – you’ve created your own false narrative of How the World Works and Your Place in It that is not serving you well anymore (if it ever did);
(2) Understanding why you have created and clung to a false narrative of life;
(3) Letting go of that false narrative of life; and finally
(4) Adjusting to and accepting life without that false narrative.
Until you’ve done this work, nothing is going to change for you with relationships.ronGuest
Miss MJ —
If Robert is on autism spectrum, as many of us suspect, then it is very possible than on your point 2) these views were created by his parents, rather than by Robert, himself. It still leaves the question of why he clings to them so tenaciously. I think Robert’s parents created these rules in an attempt to protect Robert. They aren’t timely, but…Miss MJGuest
Ron, you may be right. I have no authority on whether Robert is on the spectrum, but many of his ideas regarding live, women, relationships, and work do seem to be from a bygone era.